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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off that men say how much they love their kids after divorce?!

27 replies

Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 16:22

But they are basically abandoning said kids so no, I really don’t buy it that they love them!

And yes do understand, not all men, many are cheated on and left. Not all men are like this.

However for the me that are feckless, don’t step up and are not good Dads before divorce, which is often why there is a divorce, it annoys the hell out of me! I hear it over and over. It will be so awful for me not to see my kids, I love them so much it’s going to be terrible. And everyone gives them loads of sympathy. Poor bloke, without his kids.

Or he insists on 50/50 but these kids he loves to much? Well they get given to granny or the new girlfriend. It’s for show really.

I know I am cynical about this. And quite possibly a bit bitter! [bashful]

However my Ex has gone on for years about how much he loves our son. How awful for him not to have him full time. His child is ‘everything to him’. But he clearly isn’t. Like a lot of men who do this he:

  • shirks maintenance
  • never parents. As you know. That would break the loving strong bond they have where he spends much of his time telling DS how much he loves him. So no clue as homework, school, life, problems.
  • is horrible to me, his mother, like that is somehow a necessary part of showing DS he has this great love for him but his mother can then be the bad guy, for just about everything.

Sigh... just a bit sick of it! I hear this time and time again from friends who have divorced too. Seems very common. And if I see a bloke on a dating site with all of his kids I just think... oh no another one! The family man... almost definitely not! He’s left them!

My father left us when we were young. However I think then he could not have got away with then bleating on about how much he loved us. Everyone, including his own family, saw clearly that he was basically abandoning us as kids. He would have got short shrift if he’d started wanting sympathy because he missed us!

AIBU?!

OP posts:
54321go · 20/10/2019 16:26

just another boring 'man hating' thread.
What entitles women to be the decider on everything?

Squirrelplay · 20/10/2019 16:27

YANBU OP! Since having DC and my friends/family having them I've come to the sad realisation that most men are sub-par parents. There's exceptions obviously and hopefully the numbers of good dads will grow, but IME most are not good enough and that's before divorce.

TheNavigator · 20/10/2019 16:30

What about the women bleating on that their kids are everything to them - while they move the next selfish twunt into their lives, always priorising the bloke (you see plenty of examples of this on here)?

See - nasty stereotyping can go both ways.

HauntedPinecone · 20/10/2019 16:31

YANBU. Many many men are poor parents. I really do believe that men quickly lose interest in their children once they are no longer in a relationship with the mother.

Singlenotsingle · 20/10/2019 16:33

Lazy and selfish. They can't be bothered. Kids are hard work.

Original poster
Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 16:40

Apologies I didn’t want it to be man hating. This is not all men. Not even most men hopefully.

There is something culturally wrong I think at the moment. We are indulging men after separation, giving them loads of sympathy if they are not 100% living with their kids and saying how awful it is for them.

The reality is so so different! Men who women divorce are typically the ones who do a fraction of the work of parenting. Before and after divorce. So just don’t bleat on about how much you love them! Do some parenting! And be nicer to the mum she’s bringing them up for you!

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 20/10/2019 16:42

I’m sorry you have had such bad experiences with men who haven’t stepped up.

I agree that you get a lot of rhetoric like this from bad parents who say ‘My kids are my life’ etc etc.

However I think both men and women do this. People just don’t go around saying ‘I’m really self involved’ and ‘I always put my own needs first’. The people doing that never really have that level of self awareness.

Tistheseason17 · 20/10/2019 16:42

Must admit I always have a chuckle to myself when the likes of Peter Andre (or any parent male or female) says, "I love my kids"

You should do - you're their Mum/Dad!

Why do you need to announce it like you are doing some miracle thing other than what you should be doing!?

SandyY2K · 20/10/2019 16:44

What you say is true of some men...but these are men who were usually not the best hands on dads in the first place.

Majority of the parenting would have been left to the mum while in the relationship, with minimal input from dad.

When it comes down to it, I question how well they actually know their own children.

areyouafraidofthedark · 20/10/2019 16:44

No when people separate they are leaving their partner not the children. Why would anyone want to stay in an unhappy relationship because they have children. That will affect the children more than having separated parents.

Original poster
Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 16:48

@vincettenoir true I do know a few women who say the kids are my life. However either they really are their life, they do everything for them, and parent them really well, so, I kind of get and respect that. Or the opposite, one woman I know has a cocaine addiction and says ‘but my DD is my life’ when she’s clearly not, and thank god her father has her most of the time. I feel the same about this woman as I do the men who say it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 16:52

@areyouafraidofthedark that really gets to the nub of my feelings. Some men are leaving their kids and their partner. They might have more pure loving feelings towards their kids, as the kids are not usually the ones sayIng ‘Parent me more! Please put my car seat in each time. Please care for my diet and not just buy chips. Please clean up sometimes I don’t like dirty clothes’.

OP posts:
RedSheep73 · 20/10/2019 17:08

Love is about what you do, not what you say. Respect to those men who parent their kids, support them and put them first. Using 'love' as a weapon however is pathetic, you are right.

AmyFl · 20/10/2019 17:08

I completely agree OP.

NameChangeNugget · 20/10/2019 17:15

YABVU.

Just because they don’t/can’t live with their ex partner it doesn’t mean they love their DC’s any less

Andysbestadventure · 20/10/2019 17:20

Yabu. Shit people do this. Not just shit men. Make better choices who you breed with and it wont be an issue.

OneForMeToo · 20/10/2019 17:25

The majority of NRP don’t do half as much for their children as they could or should. Paying bare minimum and then expecting the RP to provide all clothes and toys for the NRP or refusing to ever take the child to a party on their EOW access time, moving new step parent in every few months with a string of step children. But that’s regardless of gender very few NRP go above and beyond for their children normally to spite the ex.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 20/10/2019 17:27

YANBU op. My ex didn't change a nappy until way past 6 months, only ever got up twice in the history of night waking (and only then because I was at absolute breaking point), was the eternal fun parent, did none of the graft and prioritised booze over us all.

On divorce he demanded 50:50 with his mum required to move in on his weeks so he needed a bigger house and share of the equity.

Judge laughed him out of court, he sees his 'beloved' kids twice a year but somehow I'm the bad one for not letting him develop a bond due to breast feeding. Twat.

DippyAvocado · 20/10/2019 17:29

Yabu. It may be some men, but certainly not all. It may also be some women. However, it is increasingly common to parent 50-50 after separation.

It also sometimes happens that nrp loves their children just as much as pre-divorce but the resident parent makes it very difficult for them to see the DC or uses access as a bargaining tool.

Unless you are privy to the details of every separated couple, you can't possibly make a generalised statement that tars everyone with the same brush.

Hesafriendfromwork · 20/10/2019 17:33

As I have got older I have realised that some people are shit parents but want everyone to think k they are great.

My exh is like that. But on the other hand so was my mum. She didnt give a shit, particularly about me. Dad was great, but as mum has got older and frailer, he enables her completely. He doesnt want her to be alone and doesnt want arguments. He left her and she threatened to kill us so he went back. He tried to take us and my grandad threatened him with a gun. Mums side are a night mare.

I am now NC with both of us.

I do agree that usually it's the man that leaves and has little contact. But I know so many women, who have left. I also have known several women who have kept the kids but palm them off every weekend they have the kids on grandparents, friends etc.

Infact a friend of mine just died of an overdose. Her daughter was also her world. Turned out she had barely seen her in the last 3 weeks. She had been on a coke binge with her new girlfriend for pretty much the whole time.

And you only have to look at mumsnet threads to see all the women whose kids are their worlds, but they have moved a man in after 3 weeks that the kids dont get on with or is totally unsuitable. Usually they top it off by having another baby with them and then complain when family life is shit.

Hesafriendfromwork · 20/10/2019 17:33

Spray after that rant, what I am saying is, plenty of parents pretend to be great but are actually shit and always put themseleves first. Men and women.

JoyceJeffries · 20/10/2019 17:41

YANBU

Why would anyone feel the need to tell you they love their kids? Everyone loves their kids, surely? They are writing their own narrative.

EdWinchester · 20/10/2019 17:43

The 2 divorced men I know do love their kids very much. They just didn't love their ex-wives.

TheCanterburyWhales · 20/10/2019 17:49

Maybe the men you choose are like that

I imagine for most men who become the NRP after a divorce, it's the hardest fucking thing they ever have to do.
The mother invariably gets the children and the house, and the father gets to pay maintenance.
My dad was by no means perfect, few people are (men or women) but he loves me unconditionally to this day.

LemonSqueezy0 · 20/10/2019 18:14

Christ this is boring. What use can such a general thread be? Some men are shit, some women are shit.