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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to share custody after seperation...

59 replies

ItsNotChristmasInOctober · 20/10/2019 13:41

This is completely hypothetical.

I know that when couples split, it's generally mum who takes custody with dad having DC's EOW and maybe an overnight or so during the week. (This statement is HUGELY hypothetical as I know every family is different and therefore every arrangement is different).

Can I just say, I know the reverse happens too. I'm just generalising.

What happens when a couple splits and they both wish to have visitation rights as the non-residential parent?

For example, Mary and John break up. They decide they both want to have DC's EOW etc but neither want to be the resident parent.

What happens then?

I suppose my AIBU is 'AIBU to ask what happens when parents both want to be the non-residential parent?'

Again, this is completely hypothetical. I've just always wondered this I suppose...

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsNotChristmasInOctober · 20/10/2019 13:42

Apologies for my overuse of the word 'hypothetical'...I don't even know if I'm spelling it right!

OP posts:
ooopsupsideyourhead · 20/10/2019 13:50

Pretty sure they are poorly judged by everyone they meet.

Lazypuppy · 20/10/2019 13:51

Then it gets splot 50/50 surely and each parent should be ashamed of themselves

Original poster
ItsNotChristmasInOctober · 20/10/2019 13:57

Thanks @ooopsupsideyourhead and @lazypuppy I completely agree.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 20/10/2019 14:31

50/50 custody and both should be fucking ashamed!

Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2019 14:40

Both parents have a responsibility to accommodate and provide for their dc. I absolutely look down on parents who try to opt out of this.

I would say 50:50 in this situation but I'd feel for the unwanted dc.

Hesafriendfromwork · 20/10/2019 14:42

Custody would be 50:50.

But I woimd also be wondering why people has multiple kids if neither ifbthem really wanted them

Windydaysuponus · 20/10/2019 14:43

Exh was an absolute twat about keeping to the court order.
4 years of hell and he still thought he was above the law.
Dc got sick of being kept from me so went nc with him at 12 +14.
He didn't argue...

Pilot12 · 20/10/2019 14:56

You'd both have to accommodate the kids 3.5 days a week each. This is what my partner says he'd want if we split, 50/50 each.

Original poster
ItsNotChristmasInOctober · 20/10/2019 14:57

@Hesafriendfromwork can that be enforced though? Say neither party wanted to be the resident parent, would the DC's go into care for the time neither parent wanted them?

Would that even be possible?

You hear so much about one parent being the main carer because they have no option.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 20/10/2019 15:06

Well you don’t have any option, if the father will not have the DC more than he wants to, and you become main carer but this doesn’t automatically mean you would want to swap to EOW.

I was forced into main carer with DC only visiting for 24 hours once a week, no more than that but it does not mean I want them only on weekends, just for him to have them more than 1 day a week! 😂

TheSecretJeven · 20/10/2019 15:08

If neither parent wanted the children full or even part time time, then someone (social care?) would probably look within the children's wider family for guardians. Foster care is expensive and should be reserved for emergencies (sudden illness of a single parent, say) or to escape an abusive situation.

Loveislandaddict · 20/10/2019 15:22

I feel sorry for the kids if neither parent wants them.

SilverySurfer · 20/10/2019 16:45

I really hope this is hypothetical.

Hesafriendfromwork · 20/10/2019 16:46

No you cant have kids in part time care.

If neither parents want the kids, then the kids would either go into care full time or be placed with a family member, if possible.

Care isnt there to solve custody battles and fill in days the parents dont want the kids.

If both parents refuse to look after the kids Monday to Friday that would be seen as neglect and the kids would just go into permanent care.

Again, I doubt this would happen. Why would a couple have kids, if neither actually wants them?

Waveysnail · 20/10/2019 16:48

50/50

PineappleLumps · 20/10/2019 16:48

They should not have kids in the first place! I mean honestly I hope this is hypothetical and not you because that’s disgusting.

NearlyGranny · 20/10/2019 16:49

I can never understand how 50:50 works unless parents live within a mile or so of each other for school etc. And surely the homework/gym kit/ballet bag is always going to be in the wrong house when the child needs it?

Hesafriendfromwork · 20/10/2019 16:50

We did 50:50 when we first split. It was fine. Just planned ahead

Lucked · 20/10/2019 16:52

I think what mostly happens is that one parent leaves and the other becomes the default resident parent. I suspect in cases where that parent doesn’t want them they become abused or neglected.

IdiotInDisguise · 20/10/2019 16:55

What happens when neither of them wants to be the resident parent? Hmm, I would say the parent who cannot bring themselves to let the kids down is the one who ends up staying with the kids: the one that runs to pick them up when the other parent has left them waiting in school, the one who stays in when the other one fails to pick up, the one who is licking the wounds the other parent inflicted in their kids.

There is always one who cares more, and if not... enters SS

PrettyPurse · 20/10/2019 16:55

Basically the parent who did a runner first out of the family home would be the one who is scot free as the remaining parent doesn't have a choice. Unless they dumped the kids at the police station

Unescorted · 20/10/2019 17:01

This happened to one of my friends at school - it was heart breaking. I cannot imagine what it felt like to be unwanted by both parents.

She didn't go into care because her parents were well off enough to employ a minder who looked after her at her house. The parents were very rarely there. My Mum always sent 2 telegrams wishing her happy birthday - one from her mum and one from her dad.

ChristaMSieland · 20/10/2019 17:03

Say neither party wanted to be the resident parent, would the DC's go into care for the time neither parent wanted them?

No. State care isn't residential childcare for crap parents.

PrettyPurse · 20/10/2019 17:04

My ex and l used to joke that we were only still together as neither wanted custody.

When the time came, he couldn't leave quick enough. I couldn't imagine not having my boy's with me.

I am lucky and they go to his EOW (whoop whoop 4 whole days a month😒) and 2 evenings a week for dinner..... so l can't complain.

When he split l read an email he sent to the OW saying "...she says she wants the boys but has no idea where they will live" .... (for context that was 2 days after he told me he was leaving!!)... He never argued to have them instead of me, l think it was just assumed by us both that they'd stay with me.

I do wonder what would have happened though if I'd said that I'd go and he and OW could be resident parent instead.....

I suspect their relationship wouldn't have lasted very long