Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Refusing to share custody after seperation...

59 replies

ItsNotChristmasInOctober · 20/10/2019 13:41

This is completely hypothetical.

I know that when couples split, it's generally mum who takes custody with dad having DC's EOW and maybe an overnight or so during the week. (This statement is HUGELY hypothetical as I know every family is different and therefore every arrangement is different).

Can I just say, I know the reverse happens too. I'm just generalising.

What happens when a couple splits and they both wish to have visitation rights as the non-residential parent?

For example, Mary and John break up. They decide they both want to have DC's EOW etc but neither want to be the resident parent.

What happens then?

I suppose my AIBU is 'AIBU to ask what happens when parents both want to be the non-residential parent?'

Again, this is completely hypothetical. I've just always wondered this I suppose...

OP posts:

BeyondAvoidant · 20/10/2019 17:05

Being the RP (through the NRP pissing off, not through agreement - we'd planned 50:50), physically disabled, and being in mh crisis atm, I can certainly understand where the question comes from. Nice to see all the comments about selfish parents not having DCs in the first place, that really helps.

What I need is more people to help out. Everybody near to us cares oh so much until they are actually needed to help though. My family have practically cut me off, I haven't heard from so called friends in months, but everyone has an opinion on how shittily I'm parenting my children.

So yeah, I can definitely see how both parents can end up wanting the "easy" option, how sometimes being left as RP without a choice in the matter has a catastrophic effect on your wellbeing. I don't have a choice though, I do actually love my DCs beyond anything and will not abandon them.

Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 17:06

This happened with my step kids. Except no one acknowledged they were even doing it.

Mum sent troubled child to live with DP. Couldn’t handle her. Oh but nobody even acknowledged that as DP works late every single day, that she was basically having a bed for the night. She wasn’t parented for years.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/10/2019 17:18

I suspect one of them moves out and the other one has to suck it up. One that moves out picks kids up for their days, ensures they don't live in accommodation suitable for the kids to sleepover and leaves the other parent with little choice but to take on the rp status.

zinger · 20/10/2019 17:19

You get judged, but not if your the dad it seems!

BeyondAvoidant · 20/10/2019 17:25

"ensures they don't live in accommodation suitable for the kids to sleepover"

Haha, that couldn't be more accurate! He moved out to one bedroom in a shared house as he "couldn't afford more", then walked out of his job and moved 200 miles away to mooch off his new gf.

francienolan · 20/10/2019 17:36

I knew someone growing up whose parents tried to foist her on each other in the divorce. The courts decided how much time was spent with each parent, I think the mother had more time with her for whatever reason.

I only found out about it as an adult. We were friendly but not close as children. It's a big regret that I didn't reach out to her more (we were both shy children). She seems to have a lovely home life with her own family now, thankfully.

LadyAllegraImelda · 20/10/2019 17:52

I thank god 50:50 wasn't much of a thing when I split with my daughter's father, I couldn't bear that. He wouldn't last long at all, didn't even last long as the NRP but we are well shot of him.

If this situation were to happen though, it would have to end up going to social care. It would be made clear they have a legal responsibility to provide are and if they still refused, it could go to legal proceedings to have their PR (parental responsibility ) taken away and social care would try to find a suitable relative to have a care order/custody. If no relatives were suitable/available then social care would have to look at fostering and possibly adoption. They parent's could just turn up EOW when they fancied it and them hand them back.

LadyAllegraImelda · 20/10/2019 17:52

*couldn't!!

Drabarni · 20/10/2019 17:55

I'd feel very sorry for the poor children. What parent doesn't want full custody of their child, even if they can't?
I think 50/50 is cruel though, poor kids mustn't know where they belong.
I just wish people looked after their relationships better and weren't so eager to have kids with losers.

babycatcher411 · 20/10/2019 18:01

In a professional capacity I met someone who this happened to, neither parent ‘wanted’ her, and she ended up going back into care.

I say back into care, because she had been adopted as a toddler whilst they were happily married.

Was a sorry sorry state and the poor girl had suffered immensely because of it.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/10/2019 18:14

In a case that actually happened, Grandmother took custody and the parents got EOW and Father'Day/Mother's Day and allowed to attend their BD parties at grandmother's house.

MrsFionaCharming · 20/10/2019 18:31

I had a friend as a teen, both parents had affairs and moved in with their new partners. They left the 4 kids (aged about 12-19) in the family home to look after themselves, occasionally popping in without warning to check they weren’t having parties.

lyralalala · 20/10/2019 19:21

I knew a boy when I was at school (through a social services activity - I lived with my grandparents at that point) who had lived with his grandparents when his parents split up. He had a three weekly weekend cycle - one weekend with dad, then with Mum and then the third with his GP’s. His grandparents had fought for the weekend time as they did school, homework, dinner etc and also wanted the chance to take him to the zoo and the likes. When his grandparents died he went into foster care and the three weekend cycle continued as neither parent would take him.

Another boy lived with his grandparents as both his parents were in the military and neither wanted him. We were 14 when his Gran died and he was moved into a small flat, paid for by his parents, and his uncle who lived nearby was officially his guardian, but he didn’t see him much. He used to go to his father and step-mother’s house to visit his siblings twice a week, and he was allowed to call his step-mother in an emergency, but he didn’t live there with his half siblings. when they moved to Germany with his Dad’s unit they used to fly him over once a month for a weekend, but still wouldn’t allow him to live with them. Not surprisingly he doesn’t have a relationship with either parent as an adult.

Prepaymentfear · 20/10/2019 19:22

Poor kids :(

imdoingfine · 20/10/2019 19:25

Surely this would never and it would be each parent fighting to have residency of their children

Lovemenorca · 20/10/2019 19:25

* My Mum always sent 2 telegrams wishing her happy birthday - one from her mum and one from her dad.*

Your mother would send telegrams (how long ago was this?!) pretending to be her parents?

Marnie76 · 20/10/2019 19:35

@imdoingfine have you actually read any of the replies? Obviously no one would want this to happen but sadly it does.

Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 19:54

I think this was more common in the past. Children were seen as being able to bring themselves up, and the intense parenting relationship was not as common. I’ve got a few relations who were

bought up by their nanny
sent to public school
bought up my elderly ‘aunts’ (she was illigitimate and mother could not marry with a child present - so poor girl packed off)
sent to the family farm for 6 months of the year
sent to live with another relation as parent had to work or whatever.

Thank goodness on the whole now there IS a parent, usually the mum, who will take on resident parent no matter what and give their child full parenting attention. We have a more caring nurturing society I think on the whole that way.

imdoingfine · 20/10/2019 20:08

@Marnie76 I have read the replies but I still don't understand why any parent wouldn't want residency of their children?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 20/10/2019 20:14

I never understand 50/50 parenting. It comes up so often on here. Is it not unfair on the child/ren to be changing homes so often?

Hesafriendfromwork · 20/10/2019 20:31

Depends on the kids.

My kids preferred it at first. For a 3 years.

They didnt feel they were changing home. They felt they had 2 homes. Both with advantages.

If stopped working when exh moved in with a woman and her kids, who he had been seeing 12 weeks. That didnt work out so he moved out again and didnt like that house so moved again.

Once they started feeling like wherever he lived wasnt home, they started asking to be with me more.

Dp ha since moved in and then they upped how much they stayed again. We definitely give them more stability and they prefer it. They are with me the majority now. But that been their choice.

SuperMumTum · 20/10/2019 20:55

My kids aren't 50/50 more like 70-80% with me and the rest with their dad but they love both homes and are settled and happy in either one. They both have their own rooms in both houses with toys, clothes etc. My DS has just started school and when drawing "who lives in your house" he asked specifically for two pieces of paper and drew two families. He knows that he belongs in both homes and doesn't need anyone's pity.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 20/10/2019 20:59

But the practicalities....if one parent just moved out one day, the other would automatically be the resident parent. If they moved out they would then be abandoning their children and surely the police / social services would be involved? I guess in practice if both parents work away a lot or something then they would stay with family eg grandparents

Marriedwithchildren5 · 20/10/2019 21:04

If stopped working when exh moved in with a woman and her kids, who he had been seeing 12 weeks. That didnt work out so he moved out again and didnt like that house so moved again

This is part of why I dont understand it though. This was my first thought. What if this happens. Surely 1 main, stable home is important to a child.

Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 21:47

I do think in the majority of cases 50/50 is not the best living arrangement for kids. There is no evidence that it is better than one main home either.

Especially if one parent is the better one, to be frank. And that isn’t something a lot of people like to admit. And being there, and stability. We have to weigh this up. My DP always felt he was the better parent, and you know his Ex didn’t really like parenting, so possibly true. However DP works all the time, and had a blind spot about it. So his daughter living there full time or 50/50 was not best for her.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread