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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children and new DH

38 replies

Fedup1994 · 19/10/2019 22:29

Been with now DH for 4 years I have 2 DC 9 and 7 he also has 2 DC from previous relationships tonight was discussing children and he said he is ‘quite found of my children’ AIBU to be a hurt that after 4 years he is fond of them and nothing more when they adore him. Or is that perfectly responsible for him to feel

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/10/2019 22:30

How does he treat them? That’s much more important than how he feels about them.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 19/10/2019 22:32

I’ve been with my DP for 4 years and I’m quite fond of them. I like them but I don’t love them and I’m not sure I ever will.
I’m kind to them, treat them with consideration and respect etc.
Fondness is nice, what do you expect of him? They’re not his children. As long as he’s being kind to them I wouldn’t be worried

IfYouWannaComeBack · 19/10/2019 22:33

Them* being my two SDs... sorry I missed that bit out

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/10/2019 22:35

They aren't his children. If he's fond of them he likes being around them. Does he treat them well?

How do you feel about his?
The reality is if you were to divorce tomorrow they'd be nothing more to him and the relationship would be over.

JustMarriedBecca · 19/10/2019 22:38

This makes me uncomfortable. Everyone saying 'they aren't his children'.... Does that mean it's about blood?

Because what does that mean for adopted children?

I guess it depends - if they live with you full time, call him Dad and have no other parent then I would envisage more affection than where there is another parent

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/10/2019 22:41

What a ridiculous comparison. They aren't his. Adopted children are their parents children.

If they divorced tomorrow he would have zero claim on them.

Original poster
Fedup1994 · 19/10/2019 22:41

They live with us and go to there dads for 2 nights every other weekend for a night - there dads choice he doesn’t want more!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2019 22:42

How do you feel about his DC?

SandyY2K · 19/10/2019 22:43

I think it's fine tbh. Adoption isn't comparable to a step child...I don't know why ppl think it is.

If he and the OP got divorced...he has no right to see the DC again.

There's a woman on the stepparent forum devastated as her DP has ended their 5 year relationship and she won't be seeing his DS who she loves greatly. This is not an isolated case either.

Liking and being fond of them is fine.

Original poster
Fedup1994 · 19/10/2019 22:43

And yes he is amazing with them to the point they will go to him before me on occasion. Due to my shifts he does more school runs for them than me and will go in for parent reading mornings etc

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/10/2019 22:43

Because what does that mean for adopted children?

That’s absolutely not the same.

converseandjeans · 19/10/2019 22:44

I would be more upset with the father who only wants to see his kids once every 2 weeks.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2019 22:45

After 4 years they shouldn’t be calling him dad even if their own father wasn’t in the picture!

PumpkinP · 19/10/2019 22:46

Yabu

summersherewishiwasnt · 19/10/2019 22:46

How does he treat them ? This is important, actions speak louder than words.
I don’t feel the same way for my sc after 15 years that I do about my own 2. I think it’s biological. Adoption is different, parenting in place of biological parents is not that same as being in addition to a children’s actual parents.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 19/10/2019 22:47

They aren’t his children - he is unlikely to ever feel about them the way that you do.
Is he kind to them? That’s the most important thing.
You can’t force him to feel a certain way. I’m fond of my DSDs and I get on with them but I wouldn’t say that I love them.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/10/2019 22:47

So he treats them well and your children love him?
Brilliant! What more do you want?

Original poster
Fedup1994 · 19/10/2019 22:49

They don’t call him dad and know who there dad is. I have tried getting there dad to see them more, to ring them etc but he doesn’t and even the judge said I can’t make him want them more so I can’t change that

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 19/10/2019 22:49

My ex "loved" my family so much that when he left me he never spoke to any of them again, so I would say that a genuine fondness can go a long way, rather than declarations of love.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 19/10/2019 22:52

What your children will remember in years to come when they look back on their childhood is how he treated them. If he’s giving them good, happy memories to look back on then it’s all good.

JustLooking2019 · 19/10/2019 22:54

She didn’t say they call him dad?!

Op, it’s a difficult one but 4 years is not actually very long I feel for him to feel any more than fondness. Maybe it’s because he has biological children already so maybe it feels different to him. My now husband and I have been together for 8 years and he definitely loves my children and treats them as a father would. Maybe that’s because they don’t see their own father I don’t know

floodypuddle · 19/10/2019 22:55

I'm extremely fond of my dsc but that's it, probably in large part because I'm aware they can easily be taken away. Do you love his children the same as yours?

EstebanTheMagnificent · 19/10/2019 22:58

Do you love his children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2019 22:58

I was resounding to this

I guess it depends - if they live with you full time, call him Dad and have no other parent then I would envisage more affection than where there is another parent

Should have quoted it. Apologies.

Bluerussian · 19/10/2019 22:59

I think a lot of people say they are 'fond' when we might say, 'I love'. Some just aren't particularly gushing with words. It sounds to me as though he does love them but just doesn't feel comfortable with using that word.

There are many types of love. It seems your husband puts love into action with your children and that's what counts.

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