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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children and new DH

38 replies

Fedup1994 · 19/10/2019 22:29

Been with now DH for 4 years I have 2 DC 9 and 7 he also has 2 DC from previous relationships tonight was discussing children and he said he is ‘quite found of my children’ AIBU to be a hurt that after 4 years he is fond of them and nothing more when they adore him. Or is that perfectly responsible for him to feel

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/10/2019 23:00

Did you not ask how he felt about your children before you married him?!

saraclara · 19/10/2019 23:04

I think a lot of people say they are 'fond' when we might say, 'I love'. Some just aren't particularly gushing with words. It sounds to me as though he does love them but just doesn't feel comfortable with using that word.

There are many types of love. It seems your husband puts love into action with your children and that's what counts.

That's what I was planning to say, but I was beaten to it.

From someone who'd known my kids for only four years, I'd take a genuine 'fond' with the actions that go with it, over a sentimental 'love' any day.

Ellie56 · 19/10/2019 23:17

And yes he is amazing with them to the point they will go to him before me on occasion. Due to my shifts he does more school runs for them than me and will go in for parent reading mornings etc

Well he may say he's fond of them, but this shows me he loves them and your children know it, even if you don't.

quickentheprocess · 19/10/2019 23:18

@Fedup1994 how do you feel about his DC?

kettlecrisp67 · 19/10/2019 23:21

Stressing over nothing here for me.

HeddaGarbled · 19/10/2019 23:22

He sounds great and I think you would be very foolish to stir up trouble because he didn’t use the word you wanted.

IdiotInDisguise · 19/10/2019 23:31

Personally I think that real love is about the actions, words are just terminology.

Fond and love are just words. What he does for them and how they trust him is what counts.

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 23:33

Have been a step parent and it’s very hard to be more than an uncle or aunt figure - the kids don’t want his love probably, their Dad definitely doesn’t.

Like others have said. It’s how he treats them that is important. Does it seem to work well? Do the kids feel comfortable? Does DH? If so that is brilliant.

Love as a step parent often is very slow, if at all. As a step mum I was fond of them, but like a lot of step kids it feels massively disloyal to love the step parent at first, and for a step parent you are never going to be the parent and so there is not a space for you to fill. In fact lots of barriers to being in a loving parental role.

Totally different when adopting. You are officially stepping into that loving parent space.

Josette77 · 19/10/2019 23:45

He sounds lovely. And as an adoptive parent my child is MY child. I'm less concerned with people talking about blood, than I am at the comparison with step children and adopted children. I'm also an adopted child and a step child. It's not the same at all.

TanquerayTickles · 19/10/2019 23:47

If he's good with them in every way that counts I wouldn't give it another thought.

My Husband has been a stepdad to my eldest since he was 8, my son is now an adult, and I never expected him to feel the same way about my Son as he does about our daughter together, but as long as he treated them the same way that was good enough for me. He loves and cares about my son in his own way but not in the same way he loves his own child and I think that's just being realistic. He, of course, has never said as much, but the fact he has brought my son up as his own for the past 16 years shows me more than any words could ever convey.

Actions speak louder than words and all that.

IdiotInDisguise · 19/10/2019 23:48

I have been in the step parent position more than one time. First time, I absolutely loved the children, you cannot imagine how much I cried for them when their dad and I split. I still get all emotional when I bump with them, they were “my” kids as well for a time, and thankfully they loved me back.

I don’t feel the same with the current ones, I really don’t know if I am keeping the distance not to get hurt or because I have it very clear that I am NOT their mother. At the end of the day what I think and what I do has absolutely no bearing and how these kids are raised by their mum and dad.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/10/2019 23:51

From what you have said he seems like a really good step parent

Honestly, people say they love their step children and their children then fuck off. (Looking at you ex)

FieryBiscuits14 · 19/10/2019 23:59

I think he sounds like a responsible and lovely step dad. I certainly don't feel the same about my sc as I do my own children and as others have said it's how he treats them that tells you what you need to know

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