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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband messages friend ‘Hey Beautiful... ‘ but not me!

33 replies

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 20:49

This isn’t a recent one. I’ve just been to counseling and have realized that some things my husband has done, perhaps he still does, really bother me!

One of them is last year, I saw his messages to his woman friend, and they were very warm and affectionate, with things like
Hey Beautiful
And a kiss stuff like that.

Now I actually know this woman, and she is quite beautiful! She’s also lovely and I’d never think they had anything going on.

However for ages I’ve felt like DH has me as second best to other women he admires and has crushes on. He has never sent me a text saying hey beautiful. All the kisses stopped after I moved in with him.

Also, I know I’m not as well turned out as these women friends he likes. He still has them. They are stunning. I’m okay, don’t get me wrong no major hang ups, but I’m like a daisy to their rose.

I’d like to kind of challenge DH as counseling has made me feel sad about these. But I know he won’t get it. And I know he’ll just hide messages anyway.

OP posts:
Gileadisreal · 19/10/2019 20:53

Whether or not he hides the messages isnt the issue. It's whether or not he hears your pain and out of love and respect tries to rectify the behaviours that make you feel inferior in some way.

MarmiteOrGoHome · 19/10/2019 20:54

YABU to have posted this here instead of on the relationships board.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/10/2019 20:57

You need a DH who thinks you are beautiful and puts your feelings above others.
There is obviously more to this if you have had counselling.
Does your DH like to make you insecure or else his ego thinks he deserves Better.
How does he know lots of beautiful women.

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 20:59

Yes, get yourself onto the Relationships board. AIBU is going to destroy you.

There's a similar thread about a guy who's texting his friend that he loves her and thinks his partner's being unreasonable to object. What is it with these guys. Don't they know how to have a relationship?

This man makes you feel bad, OP. If you don't have children, I would get up and go. If you do have children, I would still definitely be looking at how to exit quickly.

timshelthechoice · 19/10/2019 21:02

Funny how these guys never act the same way with male friends. He sounds like a total bell end.

midnightmisssuki · 19/10/2019 21:04

Get this shifted to the other board OP. You’re going to get torn down here.

Qu1tter · 19/10/2019 21:04

You deserve better.

randominternetperson · 19/10/2019 21:14

I spent several years with somebody that made me feel like I wasn't quite good enough. When we finally split up I met someone who encouraged and supported me and honestly life is so much better (even my career has improved dramatically!)
Life is too short for feeling like this, OP. (Hopefully you'll get some excellent advice on the relationships board.)

Isitnearlyweekend · 19/10/2019 21:20

Even if you are a daisy which are lovely by the way, he should be making you feel like a rose, not other women! Don’t be hard on yourself though. Looks are far from what sustain a relationship.

Winter2019 · 19/10/2019 21:24

He married YOU so he should be making you feel like the most beautiful woman! I personally definitely wouldn't be okay with my DH messaging this to his female friends...

EmeraldShamrock · 19/10/2019 21:37

It is usually a method of control OP. Is he controlling in other ways.
I doubt he'd be happy if you treated him like that.
New posters please be helpful and kind to OP. Best if you've nothing nice to say, say nothing

Original poster
Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 21:52

You’ve all made me feel better already to be honest. I’ve been feeling it’s a silly, petty thing to get to me. Reading ‘Hey Beautiful’ actually gave me a physical reaction at the time. Actually felt pain in my stomach.

DH spent most of his feeling painfully shy and ugly, he says. He had a long first marriage, then he left, and totally bloomed. Got loads of friends, mostly women! But men too. Realized he was quite charming, did really well at work, well respected in work and socially. I met him and we got married as he missed having a relationship. I think he can’t let go of that feeling of being so adored? I’ve been feeling pretty second for a good while. We have had a child together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 21:52

Most of his youth... it should say...

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 19/10/2019 22:06

Have you spoke to him about it? Is he just being friendly, is he generally a good man or do you think he is caught between wanting a relationship and wanting to be single.
If it is the latter you need to have a serious chat with him.
You should feel special in your relationship don't feel bad for expecting it.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 19/10/2019 22:30

MarmiteOrGoHome

YABU to have posted this here instead of on the relationships board.

Do one!

FredaFrogspawn · 19/10/2019 22:34

If someone else’s husband sent me a message saying, ‘Hi Beautiful!’, I’m afraid I would think him rather creepy.

wondering7777 · 19/10/2019 22:34

I’ve been feeling it’s a silly, petty thing to get to me.

Not at all - I’d be fuming if my DH referred to one of his female friends like that. It’s totally inappropriate!

SandyY2K · 19/10/2019 22:38

Can I just ask if you're affectionate and complimentary in your messages and interaction with him?

I get how you feel, but if you were to text him in that way, how do you think he'd respond?

It's also not just about the wording...but how does he treat you. Do you feel special to him? Like you're a positive part of his life?

Are the women or is the woman married or in a relationship? Because if I received a message saying hi beautiful...my DH would think something was going on.

EKGEMS · 19/10/2019 22:38

If mine pulled this shit I'd be referring to him as my ex

Vehivle · 19/10/2019 22:41

YANBU. At all! I'd be having very serious words indeed if my husband ever wrote "hey beautiful" to another woman. I'd see it as the beginnings of an affair. Even if just an 'emotional' affair - it doesn't matter. I'd see it as betrayal of our exclusive relationship. I dont text other men telling them they're good looking or hot or whatever. And likewise I'd never accept him texting other women they are beautiful.

Vehivle · 19/10/2019 22:43

And FWIW- my husband was also a super nerd in school. He bloomed whilst being married to me as he filled out and got better style and more confidence (due to age + life experience not due to me lol!). Doesnt suddenly mean it would be ok to act as your husband is acting. It's not acceptable and dont allow yourself to be gaslighted into thinking it is!

Original poster
Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 23:10

@SandyY2K I did used to text affectionately, I like cheeky funny texts too. One too many times I was just left hanging... kind of humiliating Blush so I don’t do it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 23:13

@FredaFrogspawn I know... I did get a message off a male friend last Christmas, saying Hey Gorgeous - made me think oh god he hasn’t changed - he was a womanizer but married. Waiting for their divorce...

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 19/10/2019 23:21

The thing is , if you don’t talk about this stuff which matters to you, you won’t actually be in a relationship. If you keep yourself hidden it’ll be like having an odd parallel life with someone, without the relating but that matters.

MatildaTheCat · 19/10/2019 23:21

Would couples counselling help here? Fair enough he’s had a difficult past and has no established framework of norms but his are way off.

He needs to understand that it is NOT normal or ok to address friends as ‘Hey Beautiful’ as these are terms of endearment one uses to a partner or spouse. I imagine he might have problems with you addressing a male friend as ‘Gorgeous ‘

You don’t give much information on the rest of your relationship but since you are in counselling it may be fair to assume you have some issues you aren’t happy with. So maybe address some of these together or at least start by discussing them with your therapist to see what they suggest.

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