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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School playdate expectations

30 replies

Whynotnowbaby · 19/10/2019 13:52

For background, I live abroad and moved just over a year ago from U.K. Dd is settling into school after a difficult start, learning the language and getting to know a few children who she enjoys spending time with. I have encouraged her to have as many play dates as possible but it’s tricky as time is limited by her extra-curricular activities, my younger dc’s needs and dh’s work- he is away a lot so I am on my own with dc a lot of the time.

DD’s class teacher has organised the class into groups of four and told the families we have to arrange play dates within the group on a regular basis. The groups are an apparently random selection - 2 boys and 2 girls each time - and our group doesn’t include any of dd’s friends. Obviously the teacher can’t force us to have play dates but there seems to be a lot of expectation that we should do so and she has sent several emails suggesting we should have had one at each child’s house before Christmas. The problem is, I really don’t want to and neither does dd, I’m sure the other families are lovely but we are very busy and want to spend our free time doing what we want to do with people we want to do it with. These play dates are on top of whole class evening events which take place once or twice a term. Am I just being miserable here or would others find it all a bit much? The first is tomorrow and I’m dreading it!

OP posts:

Rainycloudyday · 19/10/2019 13:56

That’s crazy, a teacher shouldn’t be dictating which children your child socialises with outside of school hours! I can’t imagine this going down well with anyone!

BillHadersNewWife · 19/10/2019 13:59

DD’s class teacher has organised the class into groups of four and told the families we have to arrange play dates within the group on a regular basis

What the hell?? This is just bizarre and totally overstepping the mark. She can't demand this. Make an appointment with her and ask her why she's done this.

If she insists, make an appointment with the head teacher and complain about it. It's just odd! Also, how old is your child?

You're not being unreasonable AT ALL!

BillHadersNewWife · 19/10/2019 13:59

Is it a private school?

Oblomov19 · 19/10/2019 13:59

No way!

Lindy2 · 19/10/2019 14:05

That's just bizarre.

There's no way I'd be inviting 3 random children to my home. Also I wouldn't want my DD going to the homes of 3 random families that I know nothing about, because a teacher said so.

I would ignore this and hope that the teacher gets the hint that she has overstepped the mark on this.

Original poster

Whynotnowbaby · 19/10/2019 14:08

Dd is 7, it is an independent but not private school (a bit like a free school would be in the U.K.). The other parents seem quite up for it, I was chased to be added to the WhatsApp for our group of four and all the others were already talking about their availability when I joined. I’ve asked friends with dc in different schools and even different classes in the same school and none have had this so it’s not a standard expectation. I don’t want to be the one parent that doesn’t, especially as we are already the family of outsiders - coming from a different country and still learning the language.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whynotnowbaby · 19/10/2019 14:09

Lindy, I think the parents are supposed to go along too so it’s super awkward as I’ll be there with my sub-standard local language and my 3 year old in tow!

OP posts:

CalmdownJanet · 19/10/2019 14:16

If this isn't the done thing across the school then I would speak to the principal, the teacher is massively over stepping. This is so weird

Lindy2 · 19/10/2019 14:19

Whynotnowbaby - Oh dear. Enforced adult socialising too. At least you can keep an eye on your DD though.

It does sound like it might be tricky to avoid going. I'd not be keen but trying to look on the bright side, as you are new to the country, it might help you get to know some new people and find out more about the local area. I'd be cringing at having to do it though.

BillHadersNewWife · 19/10/2019 14:19

Is it a Steiner school?

Zeldasmagicwand · 19/10/2019 14:20

OP, do you want to integrate with the community or sit lonely and superior in your ivory tower?

I live abroad and I just get on with it and forget about what might considered strange if it was done back in the U.K. I've seen the odd friend that has moved, not made much attempt to join in and gone back to the UK saying they didn't enjoy living here.

My advice is to get out of your comfort zone and try to get involved as much as possible. Once you have established your tribe of friends, then you can choose to be more selective about what you do.

UpToonGirl · 19/10/2019 14:23

I think it sounds odd and I wouldn't like it myself. ..that being said, it could be a way to forge some relationships for your DD and possibly for you. You never know, even if you got on well with just one of the other parents it would be worth while.

GreenTulips · 19/10/2019 14:25

You can’t have too many friends

Why not open up your family to a few new experiences and give it a try.

Original poster

Whynotnowbaby · 19/10/2019 14:30

I do completely agree with the need to integrate and to a degree with the “you can’t have too many friends” comment but we have, both through dd and through colleagues, neighbour etc, made quite a lot of friends in a far more natural seeming way than this. I am going to go, smile and do my best, but I do feel awkward about it.
It’s not a Steiner school but I think this one teacher may have some Steiner background now you come to mention it. I don’t think talking to the head would achieve much, especially as the others seem to be quite on board.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 19/10/2019 14:32

It is pretty weird that it's being organised by the teacher in random groups of four kids.

However...when I was feeling a bit isolated last year because of working and travelling a lot, I decided to make it my mission to organise a play date for each of my DCs every few weeks. It hugely paid off, DCs friendships improved and I got to know a lot of other parents well enough that now I have a network of people I could rely on for a late pickup in an emergency, for instance. I also made a couple of genuine new friends of my own.

So why don't you try it out, if it's not for you then just be mysteriously unavailable for future meet-ups.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/10/2019 14:35

If this is the done thing in this school / country ( sounds gastly and bossy) why not get it all over and done with with one big play date have them all over or go out to soft play

PauvreRelation · 19/10/2019 14:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Mumtotwo82 · 19/10/2019 14:44

I would hate if they did this in my children's school. Children make their own friends and I would hate to be pressured into this.

dreichsky · 19/10/2019 14:46

It's odd but is an excellent way for you to widen your social circle at school and practice your language.
I have been in your situation so I feel your pain, I had endless brutal hours at dc's parties listening to parents chat in a language I barely understood. But two years later those same mums were telling me how much my language had improved and how my dc's sounded native. It is worth the awkwardness.

BackforGood · 19/10/2019 14:48

To my UK-centric ears, this is incredibly weird, and totally over stepping the mark.

However, as a family trying to fit in to a new country and new culture, I think I'd give it a whirl and, you never know, you might enjoy it. If not, then you can be happy you did your best. It is always useful, when dc are young, to have a network of other parents at the school to help one another out over the next few years though, so, even if you don't become best buddies, it might not be a bad thing to try out.

Rocktheboot · 19/10/2019 14:50

I just wouldn't do this

minipie · 19/10/2019 14:51

Perhaps there is a back story you aren’t aware of?

DD’s class had a lot of cliques, a boy/girl split and unhappy kids in reception/start of y1. In y1 the teacher organised some measures to break up the cliques and encourage different DC to play together. One of those was “have a playdate with someone new” - a bit more open than your version but similar intention.

Perhaps this is why this is happening?

If not, it’s pretty weird! Although I’d probably go along with it for a term.

BillHadersNewWife · 19/10/2019 14:52

It's quite a Steiner -ish thing to do. There's a belief in the school community all being like a family and getting to know and support one another well.

I don't think it would be a terrible thing to do OP...I would feel the same as you about it but you never know. You might meet some parents you like.

In my DD's last school, we met two lovely couples who had children in our DD's class but they weren't friends. We just got on!

totallyradllama · 19/10/2019 15:39

Just do it. It's not that big a deal is this the hill you want to die on OP?

I actually think it a good way of helping the shyer kids to mix

Original poster

Whynotnowbaby · 19/10/2019 16:25

As I’ve already said, I am going to do it and I would probably be fine with doing it as a one off but four times before Christmas is hard to fit in and not something I am prepared to prioritise over (rare) family time or facilitating my dd’s hobbies and relationships with the children she has made friends with already. I’ll see how it goes tomorrow and decide what priority I will give to future events.

OP posts:

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