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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel life insurance during separation?

27 replies

Wantoutnow · 19/10/2019 10:46

My soon to be ex partner recently took out life insurance on me, as we have a child. It is for quite a bit of money. 3 x as much as the life insurance on his life that would go to me.

I just feel deeply uncomfortable about it. He has a lot of money, owns a big house, and is a high earner.

He said that he’d need it to look after our son if I died. However he’s very mean and I know he would get his sister to look after our son. I think he’d just spend the money on himself. He’s already named his sister as guardian if he dies, even if I’m alive, and is leaving her money in his will but not me.

Recently I asked for physiotherapy for our son and even though he earns a lot he said we didn’t have the budget for it. He’s very controlling to be honest hence why I am leaving him.

The life insurance is obviously in my name, I want to cancel it. But I don’t want to be irresponsible. I’d obviously want my child looked after if I died, and want to do the right thing, but this doesn’t feel like it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

steff13 · 19/10/2019 10:50

Are you paying the premium? Are you concerned he's going to have you killed for the insurance money? I'm separated and I'd be pretty upset if my husband cancelled his policy; we each have one with the other as beneficiary, and that's how it will remain. The money is to provide for the kids if one of us is gone.

PurpleAloeVera · 19/10/2019 10:51

Can’t you just change the beneficiary to another person? E.g your child and ensure it’s in trust. You should see legal or financial/broker advice rather than Mumsnet Aibu

spanglydangly · 19/10/2019 10:52

Hmmm if you are paying the premiums I would cancel but not sure you can cancel it if he's paying the premiums!

2015newstart · 19/10/2019 10:52

If it's in your name can you change who it pays out to? Surely if it's in your name they will only talk to you, not him (especially if you aren't together) so he'd be none the wiser? You could leave it to someone who would spend the money on your son.

If he's making the monthly payments are you sure he'd continue post separation anyway?

spanglydangly · 19/10/2019 10:53

He could've taken out a "life of another" plan and OP has no say in where it goes.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 19/10/2019 10:55

If he took it out I really dont think you can cancel it as its not your contract, and you can't prove he would get his sister to look after your son if you died - if you share a son then he does have a legitimate financial interest in you being alive. You will need to call them and check though

Original poster

Wantoutnow · 19/10/2019 11:12

He makes the payments. But it’s in my name and I have access to it.

I’m sure he won’t like it as he really wanted it! He set it up but I had to sign. Is that a thing? Do you have to have someone’s consent to take a life insurance policy out on them?

I don’t like it as
A) I know, although obviously can’t prove, he will not spend this on quality care for our son. His sister is awful. Dread to think.
B) he will obviously use the premium he pays as something he can take off his vital expenses when manintenance is being agreed.

If it’s not use to our son after I’ve gone, then why am I agreeing to it? That’s my question to myself.

OP posts:

randomchap · 19/10/2019 11:13

Could you come to a compromise with him? Set up a policy which you both pay into where the pay out goes into a trust for your child?

As he's controlling then it's understandable that you don't trust him to use the money to support your child but personally I think it better that there is something, even if it's something you disagree with, there in case the worse happens.

My DC and me wouldn't have the life we have now if my wife didn't have a policy.

itbemay · 19/10/2019 11:15

if its in your name then i would think you can amend it? I would contact the insurance company and see what your options are, i would be inclined to amend it to pay out to someone who you want to be your child's guardian in the event of your death?

You ex sounds joyful!

Frouby · 19/10/2019 11:18

To take insurance out on another person you need to have an insurable interest ie that person has to be worth something to you financially while they are alive. So he has an insurable interest as if you died, you wouldn't be able to provide care for your son.

There is nothing to stop you taking a policy out in your own name and leaving that in trust for your son. There is also nothing to stop you taking a policy out on him. You could name yourself as beneficiary and then leave everything to your son if you died as well. You can't do anything about what would happen to your son if you died and your ex was still alive.

Original poster

Wantoutnow · 19/10/2019 11:21

@itbemay that is my thinking. I have serious worries about his sister she is very toxic. Money is power and if my ex has more money than the guardian I choose, and tbh he’s wealthy anyway so he will, then my guardian will have no money to promote things that he knows I would have liked for our son. Like physiotherapy!

@randomchap thanks ideally I would love that. Already talked to him about a trust. He wants to set one up but only put his sisters name in it as beneficiary. No talking to him!

OP posts:

GoldenBlue · 19/10/2019 11:26

My ex and I still have insurance on each other. For me to replace maintenance and for him to pay childcare and take on full time responsibility.

I think you're over thinking this one because of other negative issues

GrumpiestCat · 19/10/2019 11:27

See a solicitor! If you are not able to change the terms of the policy i.e. to designate another signatory think you should cancel this policy and take a new one out yourself but then make a separate will whereby you specify your assets will go into trust to be administered by your own sister. Until you are actually divorced it's difficult to cut him out of the equation totally as he will be entitled to your assets because marriage takes precedence over all sorts as I understand it.

If he complains say that it's proper that finances are separated (which it is) and he can still pay you an amount equal to the premiums if he's so worried about you dying.

GrumpiestCat · 19/10/2019 11:29

I'm presuming you are married obv. I think either way some legal advice and a new will would be sensible.

Alb1 · 19/10/2019 11:35

I would cancel it and take out a life insurance policy yourself, appointing whoever you want to be the person who recieves the money. I didn’t think you could take out life insurance policy’s on other people, that’s bizarre and if you do a life insurance policy for yourself after cancelling that one then he can’t say your being irresponsible

AnathemaPulsifer · 19/10/2019 11:36

Keep it in place and get another policy in at least the same amount on his life, payable to you. You’ll need the maintenance to continue even if he dies.

Original poster

Wantoutnow · 19/10/2019 13:43

@AnathemaPulsifer there is already a life insurance policy on him, for a third of the amount.

Thanks everyone I am going to cancel and set one up for a guardian that I choose. Unfortunately DP has not got imo our sons best interests at heart and I feel I endorsed this by signing the life insurance policy. At least way if I die someone I trust will look out for my child.

OP posts:

wombat1a · 19/10/2019 13:49

"Unfortunately DP has not got imo our sons best interests at heart and I feel I endorsed this by signing the life insurance policy. At least way if I die someone I trust will look out for my child."

Er no, you might need to check on this one but from dealing with something similar a couple of years ago if you die it may not matter what you stipulate in your will regarding who gets to look after your child in the event of your death, it quite probably legally defaults to the father.

In which case getting your life-insurance paid out to someone else could potentially mean them getting lots of money but never looking after the child because the child will be in the care of their father..

wombat1a · 19/10/2019 13:51

Opps just realised you said 'Look out for' not 'look after' my bad.

steff13 · 19/10/2019 14:16

Can you name a guardian for your child if his other parent is involved? I can't imagine that custody would be awarded to someone other than a biological parent; I think it just defaults to the other parent.

Personally, I'm not sure why you care about the life insurance if he's paying the premium. What difference does it make if he gets the benefit if you die?

Original poster

Wantoutnow · 19/10/2019 14:57

I know it defaults to the father, however a guardian can be nominated I think too?

Maybe I got that wrong. In his will he nominated his sister as guardian. No mention of me in his will.

Obviously he can take out other insurance I guess if he wants. I just know that I had to agree and sign this life insurance policy. Meaning I agreed to it. And I don’t think I do. Especially as he says he’s no money now for our sons healthcare which costs the same as the life insurance policy on me!

OP posts:

MitziK · 19/10/2019 15:32

I'd be incredibly uncomfortable if somebody had a life insurance taken out that pays them a fuckton of money in the event of my death.

I might be a little paranoid, though, as after I casually mentioned to my future ex that my new job provided £200,000 Death in Service benefit and a regular income for what would have been around 16 years, I found that a number of electrical switches and sockets that I used regularly were 'faulty' - ones he had replaced.

The sparks who came to deal with the one that smelled bad (the immersion heater switch) turned a lovely shade of grey and asked if somebody had done any other work recently. I innocently told him about the light switch and sockets and he insisted upon checking each of them, even though I breezily said 'my ex replaced them all, but he inspects and tests commercial equipment for safety/trains people in health and safety on building sites, so I'm sure they'll be fine'.

There were live wires disconnected/not connected up properly in every single one and on the light switch, it had been stripped back over three inches and was laying against the metal plate on the inside, just where a screw was so loose that it didn't quite touch it. Had I decided to tighten it up myself, I'd have been tightening a screw onto a live wire.

That lovely electrician spent the rest of the day going through every single outlet, light fitting and switch in the flat, testing and repairing/replacing them for no charge.

The irony? I hadn't thought to mention to the future ex that work had automatically set it up to be paid into a trust that I had already nominated somebody else to be the sole beneficiary of. He wouldn't have seen a penny of it.

MitziK · 19/10/2019 15:39

If that's too long to read - your STBX isn't responsible for getting your car repaired at all, is he? Does he handle the DIY, such as replacing plug sockets or light switches that only you touch?

You would be able to change the beneficiary, though. It's your policy, on your life. And nominate somebody else to become your DC's guardian - especially if you give reasons for that - it might not be followed, but it would certainly be taken into account; a statement that your DC's father was abusive, has taken out insurance by coercion on your life and you are uneasy about this would have to looked at.

Original poster

Wantoutnow · 19/10/2019 16:34

@mitzik oh my! That sends chills down my spine. Gosh I hope you have a better man now. He has actually put my life in danger before, our cooker broke, he insisted it was fine, but when I behind his back got a gas person in he said it was potentially lethal. when I told DP he wasn’t bothered!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wantoutnow · 19/10/2019 16:35

@MitziK yes only I use the cooker. But I don’t think he’s capable... oh no shivers now!

OP posts:

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