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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour complaining about crying baby

88 replies

Thegracefuloctopus · 18/10/2019 19:24

We have recently moved into a 2 bedroom flat with a housing association. We are the top floor of 2. We have a DS who has just turned 1.

The week before we moved in, I ran into our downstairs neighbour who is an elderly lady, about 80ish give or take. She seemed OK, I introduced myself and said we would be moving in. I said to her "I apologise now for DS, he obviously cries a bit but he's growing through it and rest assured we are doing our best. We have had extra thick underlay and carpet fitted to try and insulate the sound as much as we can" she seemed friendly enough and said "that's OK, I have a great grandson who is 8 months so I understand". All seemed fine.

Fast forward to tonight. DH was walking up the stairs having been to the shop, introduced himself and said "hiya, I'm X, we live upstairs" she said "I know" through angry gritted teeth. He said "oh I'm sorry is something wrong, I know we have the baby..." "yes, I know" she said angrily. So DH says "I'm really sorry if you can hear him, we have been trying our best..." tries to politely explain that DS has been poorly etc. But she walks off.

Now, I understand babies can be loud and in a block of flats it is difficult. But, AIBU to think what the fuck does she expect us to do?!
DS is a fussy bugger, I'm the first to admit that he can be a bit of a shit sometimes. But, he Never cries at bedtime (at least not since we've been here so far) but IS an early riser (5.30am) being his latest. We have done all we can to try and change this but he just thinks it's party time. Once he's up he's fine. We have been very neighbour conscious and tried not to let him cry etc but sometimes you just can't get there straight away.
We also work and he is at nursery through the day so it's not like she hears it all the time.

We also happen to know the previous tennent of this flat who had 2 DC here who are both young.
The downstairs neighbour also gets noise from underneath her flat where some kids hang out but that's not our issue.

So who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Bellringer · 18/10/2019 19:51

Noise from upstairs carries down. Just a fact. You are doing your best. Babies cry. Another fact.

SunshineAngel · 18/10/2019 19:52

I don't understand where she complained about your baby.

Maybe she was in a bad mood for another reason. It doesn't have to be about you.

Original poster

Thegracefuloctopus · 18/10/2019 19:55

YABU for this comment alone. Calling a 1 year old a bit of a shit? Nice.

Haaa I was waiting for this comment! Fucking love the judge mothers on mn. I haven't said it to his face for christ sake. Or should I be careful incase one day when he's older he comes searching the Internet under all the possibilities his mum has used for a username on an annonious forum to see what she's written about a neighbour and briefly mentioned he plays up sometimes?! I'll pay for the therapy

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDinos · 18/10/2019 19:58

If her gripe is he cries at all, then I don't know what she expects from a little toddler.
However, I wouldn't be happy being woken up at 5:30am! And I have 3 under 4, so very understanding of babies and toddlers. But that's ridiculous, why an earth did you ever decide that was time to get up with him? It will be harder to get him out of this habit now you've left it until toddlerhood. You're going to have to be very understanding, maybe go round with chocolates and apologise!

Although I'm also open to the idea she's getting a bit tired about you yapping on about your noisy toddler as it doesn't sound like she's actually complained.

Brefugee · 18/10/2019 19:58

She hasn't complained. But blimey, if she's being disturbed by a crying baby she doesn't have to pretend to be happy about it, does she?

Keep on being pleasant, and it will all pass, eventually.

Marvinmarvinson · 18/10/2019 19:58

I'm with the previous poster who said you're chatastrophising here. It's nice to be considerate but you sound overly anxious about noise and are perhaps looking for trouble where there is none.

Venger · 18/10/2019 20:01

YABU for this comment alone. Calling a 1 year old a bit of a shit? Nice.

Why? It's not like she said it to his face. DH and I privately sometimes refer to the DC as Shithead 1, Shithead 2, Shithead 3, and Shithead 4. Never in their hearing, usually over messenger or text, and always meant in a tone of either affection or exasperation depending on what they've been up to.

I've also been known to refer to DC4 as The Radgie, Radge Packet, and "oh my fucking god, THIS CHILD" because she's in the grip of two year old stubbornness and sometimes I need to vent my frustrations to DH about it all or I will go mad. I'd much rather message him "fucks sake, you'll never guess what Radge Packet has done now" along with an eye roll emoji than actually lose my shit to DD's face.

Unclench, love.

ClaireS79 · 18/10/2019 20:02

Between the two of you you've twice mentioned a problem she hadn't even complained about. You are Overreacting

Original poster

Thegracefuloctopus · 18/10/2019 20:03

why an earth did you ever decide that was time to get up with him?

When both me and dh battled pnd at the same time (yes, men get that) and we were doing all we could to stop us driving the car into a tree. We know it's a problem, but can't exactly CIO can we

OP posts:

virginpinkmartini · 18/10/2019 20:08

'Haa I was waiting for this comment! .'

Seems like you have a bit of form for poking nests and then having a strop when people react to you 🤷‍♀️

ChicCroissant · 18/10/2019 20:09

So despite the title of your post - 'neighbour complaining about crying baby' - that's actually not true because she hasn't complained at all? Why are you trying to portray her as a complaining neighbour when she's done nothing of the sort?!

Aprillygirl · 18/10/2019 20:09

She could have been irritated about something completely different when she bumped into your husband OP. Or perhaps she was curt because she was missing Emmerdale. Maybe she doesn’t like men. Who knows? Until she actually complains I would think no more about it and carry on as normal, there’s really not much else you can do in any case.

Dyrne · 18/10/2019 20:11

It sounds like because she’s not falling all over herself to reassure you that your little darling is absolutely fine, the cutest thing in the world etc; you’ve decided to come on here and hope for a pile on of the nasty old lady.

She hasn’t complained; she’s just dared to not be all sweetness and light to your husband; which may not actually have been anything about your baby anyway.

Do you often like to manufacture drama, OP?

BadSun · 18/10/2019 20:11

Between the two of you you've twice mentioned a problem she hadn't even complained about. You are Overreacting

Yeah, it seems like some kind of weird guilty conscience thing? Liike, we have a baby who sometimes cries, better premptively apologise about it to everyone we meet?

Unnecessary, OP. Maybe she's a bit pissed off about it (maybe she's not!) but if she is, she didn't actually complain, so what's the big deal? Just get on with your life.

AloeVeraLynn · 18/10/2019 20:12

She hasn't even complained. You're seeming like you're looking for trouble where there is none.

Bringonspring · 18/10/2019 20:12

Always difficult, where is his bed? You might want to move it to being more central in the room/away from the walls-pipes can really carry the noise.

Always when up at 5.30am do you know where her bedroom is located? Because you could avoid being above that room? It might not be the crying but babies playing etc can make noise. My two can sound like a herd of elephants

Hecateh · 18/10/2019 20:13

The gritted teeth could be because she is in pain and needed to get home to sit down.

Or even desperately needing the loo desperately and if she didn't clench tight there would have been an accident of one sort or another, (If you think post baby is bad - just you wait)

ThreeLittleDinos · 18/10/2019 20:18

I'd highly advise against leaving a younger toddler to CIO during the night. When they're little, you just give them their night feed, rock them back to sleep if needed and at any point from 7am it's time to start the day. But I wouldn't fancy trying that with a squirmy toddler! But I suppose that doesn't help you now.

Men don't undertake the N part to get PND. They can get depressed after a baby, just not PND. Although I'm not sure what that has to do with deciding to get up earlier with him. It does sound a bit like you're trying to cause arguments with as many as you can?

It's done now, just baffled as to why you ever thought that was a good idea. When they're 1.5-2 and have better understanding, you can try explaining it's still nighttime.

SprinkleDash · 18/10/2019 20:21

I don’t think people with children should live in flats. You chose to have a child she didn’t. Why should her peace and quiet be ruined.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 18/10/2019 20:22

I would agree she’s obviously not happy - regardless of making an ‘explicit complaint.

It’s a really tough one as obviously babies cry (especially when they’re poorly) and there really is nothing you can do. However, when living in flats every occupant is equally entitled to peace and quiet- any flat disturbing others with noise is ‘in the wrong’.

Tbh I think society has/is changing an awful lot and people are becoming much less community minded- or patient. Everything is more selfish and ‘individual responsibility’.

I know A LOT of my peers who would argue to the death that parents should ensure they have an ‘appropriate’ family home which won’t ‘inflict’ their child onto anyone else - before daring to have a baby! The ‘well they’re a baby what do you expect us to do?’ Is met with a short sharp ‘They’re not OUR baby and their noise isn’t OUR problem’.
I’ve had several child free professional friends engage in full on feuds with neighbours who had noisy babies/children. (But this is very much a product of the social/economic environment we’ve grown up in).

And yes there’s an argument for ‘well you’re the adult so you should be the bigger person’ but there’s another serious argument that nobody should be unable to sleep between 11pm and 7am in their own home- there’s a reason the gov enforce those rules.

I actually think your neighbour being elderly may mean she puts up with more as no doubt has far more patience.

StarlingsInSummer · 18/10/2019 20:23

From the way you’re reacting to posts on this thread, is suspect you have quite a thin skin.

5zeds · 18/10/2019 20:25

In this scenario it’s just as likely that she’s intensely irritated by you both needing to be reassured that your baby making noise is ok. Honestly she didn’t complain her teeth are her own, perhaps she knows who your husband is because he is a door slammer/over sharer/shouter/smelly one?

Bluerussian · 18/10/2019 20:25

The lady should know better. Babies cry and they're not going to stop just because a neighbour doesn't like it.

Makes my blood boil when I hear of people whose neighbours complain about something over which no one has much control - and they've probably been through the same themselves. It stresses parents terribly too, do they really want to cause stress in a young family?

The elderly lady can go to the local chemist shop and buy some good ear plugs. If she eventually starts to go deaf, she'll feel upset if neighbours knock on her door to complain about her having the telly on so loud (I've heard of that happening too).

Don't fret op, this will pass.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 18/10/2019 20:27

I know it's been said before but... she hasn't complained! You're way overthinking this. Just relax!

5zeds · 18/10/2019 20:27

I don’t think people with children should live in flats. You chose to have a child she didn’t. Why should her peace and quiet be ruined.

I don’t think intolerant people should share their ridiculous ideas of who should or shouldn’t live where, but here we are.

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