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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Any advice for that family member who is a nasty bully?

39 replies

LookingForAdvice8 · 18/10/2019 16:27

What do you do about that family member who is quite frankly a bit of a bully. Never nice, and is constantly putting people down. Mocking the thinks you like. Saying your tight for how much you spent on the food when hosting or the gifts you get them. Always loudly talking about themselves and bigging themselves up. Puts a downer and ruins family get togethers for me.
Other family members insist on inviting them to everything. Got anyone like this in your family? Any advice? Sorry wasn't sure where to post this, would it have been better in relationships?

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForAdvice8 · 18/10/2019 16:29

Is it petty to say I won't be attending things if that person is also attending? Do you just grin and bare their rudeness? Call them out on it?

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 18/10/2019 16:30

Tell them to change the record and bore off

Windydaysuponus · 18/10/2019 16:31

"Did you mean to be such a twat?"
Should cover most instances...

bluebeck · 18/10/2019 16:31

I just went totally NC.

Best thing I ever did.

HollowTalk · 18/10/2019 16:32

You have to fight fire with fire. When they criticise you for being mean over a dinner you've provided for them (bloody nerve) then remind them of what they spend on you. I assume it's nothing at all or much less. Same with presents. Be as blunt as they are.

KurriKurri · 18/10/2019 16:33

Well the first thing I'd do is never give them any more gifts - they are already saying you are tight, so you might as well stop making any kind of effort.
Other than that I would try to ignore them as much as possible or if they mock the things you like just say 'well I like them and I don;t remember asking for your opinion'

My XH had a person at his work who used to big himself up all the time - XH used to set the alarm on his watch to ring when this guy was banging on about himself and say loudly 'Uh oh my bullshit detector's going off'

CSIblonde · 18/10/2019 16:34

Laughing & saying "bless, aren't you funny" then moving off so there's no discussion (& room /time for them to recover & try again usually leaves them open mouthed & silent. They like their digs to get a reaction. Show them you think they're a 'loveable' idiot & it changes the dynamic totally & you gain the upper hand. It's very empowering IME. The first time I tried it was a light bulb moment. A weight lifted d! & now they avoid me. Result!

Harriett123 · 18/10/2019 16:42

I just had this with my bully of a brother. He invited himself to my house for Christmas this year when he found out I was due to have my first child on the 14th of December.
I kind of wasnt opposed to Christmas so said people could come if they got an air bnb near by and we could be there as much as we could without the pressure of having to host.
I found a reasonably priced air bnb when I told him the price he said fuck off he could get a hotel cheaper ( he is on a six figure salary so significantly out earns the rest of us). I explained that ment we had nowhere to be together and cook dinner so the only option would be a restraunt. He didnt reply.
I lost my temper and called him out on his selfish behaviour and he told me to I was a absolute bitch and I could go fuck myself.
I am now officially non contact and delighted about it. Was worried about families response but my mum has just said she will still be over for Christmas to meet my bundle of joy and now I'm back to looking forward to Christmas with my family without his negativity.

If I were you j would call him out or just say that you will not be attending events where hes present.

Harriett123 · 18/10/2019 16:43

Sorry that was quite long

Original poster
LookingForAdvice8 · 18/10/2019 16:47

Harriett123 good on you, he sounds awful and entitled. Hope you have a good Christmas with your new family member

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 18/10/2019 16:52

Yes my fil is the same. We all hate it when he pops by once a week. Sometimes we put out coats on and pretend to go out 🙈 I stopped having him over for any kind of dinner because he ruins it for everyone (shouting). We all lose our appetites and he stabs at our meat saying, "waste not".

FlashingLights101 · 18/10/2019 16:56

I honestly believe in a lot of cases, people who are like this are insecure in some way and belittle other people to make themselves feel better. I see it a lot, in both adults and children.

I would be inclined to say something like "John, I'm really sorry you obviously feel bad about something in your life. Do you want to talk about it, so that you don't have to keep trying to put other people down in order to feel better about yourself?"

Dress it up as concern, but let him know that you are not prepared to be spoken to like that. Most likely he will roar with laughter and say don't be ridiculous, but it will have planted the seed and perhaps it will encourage him to notice when he's being a twat in the future.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/10/2019 16:58

Avoid, life is too short. If they are 10 maybe they'll change, if they are an adult it's not likely

Clangus00 · 18/10/2019 17:01

Good old “did you mean to be so rude?”

ConkerGame · 18/10/2019 17:05

We have gone very low contact with ours. So we never initiate contact and don’t agree to see them in small groups. Probably see them 3 or 4 times a year at big events such as weddings and big birthdays, which we wouldn’t want to miss.

At those events we just keep our distance as much as possible, avoid conversation with them if we can and keep conversation bland and short if we can’t avoid it.

Sorry you have to deal with this too - it’s crap, isn’t it!

Smellbellina · 18/10/2019 17:13

I started acknowledging their behaviour (sister and bil) and asking what the problem was as it had gotten to the point that when I arrived at DM’s on Christmas morning (at her invitation!) bil strode into the hall and demanded to know what I was doing there (as me and my DD’s being there would take away attention from sister and DN’s and it would ruin their Christmas).
They have now decided I am rude and confrontational and my sister finds me too ‘scary’. I have very minimal contact with them even though we live locally and our DC attend the same school. My other DSis also has minimal contact with them for the same reason and has moved away from the area as she found it too difficult.
I am quite happy to have as little as possible to do with them, although sometimes me and my sister could get on and share the same sense of humour which I miss a bit. But it was too high a price to pay for the odd bit of kindness in the end.

TheKarateKitty · 18/10/2019 17:23

Stop giving them gifts. When confronted say, “You’ve always been so unhappy with what I gifted you. I thought it better to not waste your time.”

Deal with the rest of his rude comments by watching him with a small smile on your face and respond, “Mmm hmm. Do you feel better about yourself now?” If he keeps going, just nod and “mmm” while letting your eyes go a bit unfocused or yawn.

BlueJava · 18/10/2019 17:25

Back off, don't engage. I don't say things like "If X if there I won't come" but I find I'm suddenly quite busy, or "abroad for work" or whatever.

MinTheMinx · 18/10/2019 17:25

If you can't go NC, just don't react other than to turn your attention away every time they try to engage you in conversation. And no more gifts.

Charley1988 · 18/10/2019 17:27

Yes. I've blocked their number and have no further dealingss

MissPepper8 · 18/10/2019 17:27

Have a family member like this, don't associate with them anymore (unless you are at funerals and weddings).

If they goto family things like birthdays then I don't go.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/10/2019 17:27

I honestly believe in a lot of cases, people who are like this are insecure in some way and belittle other people to make themselves feel better.

I think this, too -but it doesn't make their behaviour any less twattish!

Our area dean is like this - never makes a mistake, knows everything, is the only one who can do anything right and publicly humiliates people.

Has done more damage to the churches in our diocese than Henry VIII did to the monasteries . . .

marblesgoing · 18/10/2019 17:28

Sometimes it's impossible to go no contact but you can go low contact and any contact you do have can be met with similar responses from yourself.

Example marbles I wouldn't have done that,why haven't you finished the room,what do you mean you aren't going to run around like a waitress and host me like a king?

My response
Your opinion is invalid and matters nothing to me. Take your rudeness elsewhere and piss someone else off because I'm not interested in your crap Grin

Problem solved

diddl · 18/10/2019 17:31

"Is it petty to say I won't be attending things if that person is also attending?"

I suppose that depends if you really want to go & would miss out?

How do others feel?

Why are they always invited?

Bellringer · 18/10/2019 17:41

Ask him to shut the door behind him if he doesn't like it there

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