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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Any advice for that family member who is a nasty bully?

39 replies

LookingForAdvice8 · 18/10/2019 16:27

What do you do about that family member who is quite frankly a bit of a bully. Never nice, and is constantly putting people down. Mocking the thinks you like. Saying your tight for how much you spent on the food when hosting or the gifts you get them. Always loudly talking about themselves and bigging themselves up. Puts a downer and ruins family get togethers for me.
Other family members insist on inviting them to everything. Got anyone like this in your family? Any advice? Sorry wasn't sure where to post this, would it have been better in relationships?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 18/10/2019 17:50

I certainly wouldnt be having them over to my house to host them. It wouldn't stop me going to other events hosted by others but I'd simply ignore their presence altogether or just walk away if they start wittering on.

ImNotYourGranny · 18/10/2019 17:55

Yep my entire family is like this. Nasty bullies. I don't have any contact with any of them.

mumwon · 18/10/2019 17:55

a slight accident with hot tea or gravy - & a profound & obviously insincere apology Grin

LakieLady · 18/10/2019 17:56

DP's BIL is like this. Vile man.

I vary my approach. Sometimes I do snooty: give a deep sigh and just say "I won't dignify that nonsense with an answer"; sometimes I point out that he is really very rude and unkind (this one works best when he's bullying someone else, imo); sometimes I ask why he's such a bully, which leads to the response that "It's just banter" followed by me replying "But unwanted banter is bullying" (similarly, "It's just a joke" is met with "No, BIL, jokes are funny, that was just rude and spiteful").

Sometimes I just blank him, which is my favourite. He gets worse and worse, like a naughty child, as he tries to get my attention, until eventually MIL tells him off or his wife starts crying. On one memorable occasion, he finally lost his rag and started ranting and swearing at me. I just looked at DP and said "I won't be spoken to like this. Let's go". Apparently, all hell broke loose after we'd left.

DP is no pussycat, but he's got a mild manner about him and quite slow to anger. Following one of my exchanges with his BIL, he just turned to him and said, quietly, "I don't know why you bother, BIL, you'll never get one over on Lakie. She's far too clever for you". BIL was gobsmacked.Grin

LovePoppy · 18/10/2019 18:21

Stop gift giving and stop inviting them over

I bet they never host anything.

Dont let them run you off attending events you want to attend

LookingForAdvice8 · 18/10/2019 18:46

diddl
I would go if its a wedding or a funeral, but other things I think life is too short. It's also more difficult as it's my DH's aunt, so my inlaws.
Other family members just think "oh well that's just the way they are" and "she doesn't mean it, or still means well". They seem to have the attitude you just put up with things. Also could be because she is quite wealthy.

OP posts:
Far2go46 · 18/10/2019 18:49

Feed him to the pigs

Cherrysoup · 18/10/2019 18:57

It’s not ‘just the way she is’ when she’s being a bitch. Presumably other family members are hoping for an inheritance?

I’d refuse to see her except at big family events and stop giving her anything as she clearly doesn’t appreciate your gifts.

LookingForAdvice8 · 18/10/2019 19:44

Cherrysoup I think that could be it, or expensive gifts from her. But she has a daughter so not sure how they think they will get any inheritance?

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 18/10/2019 19:57

I have to know lol

Does aunt ever host?

LookingForAdvice8 · 19/10/2019 09:36

LovePoppy she sometimes hosts either boxing day or new year lunch. She hosts a birthday meal for her daughter but dh and I have never been invited but the rest of DH's family is. Even though we invite her to things, which I will be putting a stop to.

OP posts:
ColdAndSad · 19/10/2019 09:47

The Captain Awkward blog is brilliant for working out how to deal with difficult people. It's really good, and well worth a read.

LovePoppy · 19/10/2019 12:02

@LookingForAdvice8 for that alone I’d have stopped long ago.

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this crap

MangoSalsa · 19/10/2019 12:06

General wide berth.

If they do catch you, a sort of “oh that’s nice dear” ‘what an unusual opinion” type response then move off. Or just walk away from them without saying anything.

Find allies- other family members who think the same as you about this person. Stick together like glue to give one another back up. Adopt the same strategies.

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