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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know why she does this (mean friend)?

44 replies

Sarahsquareddd · 18/10/2019 09:18

Truthfully I was always more academic than my friend. Was consistently top of class at school, A*s at Gcse, As at A level, top 5 university etc. Now work and floundering a little qualification wise (it’s tough).

Friend is doing well at their work - just had pay rise etc but has deduced I’m on more and always tries to quantify how much (I don’t say). Friend did well at uni but went to much less academic one: I genuinely don’t care about this and would never look at it from this perspective other than recent comments based around my struggle: comparing me to others, saying that xyz is “really clever” and not struggling like me, offering to put me in touch with others who’ve been through what I’ve been through (no thanks!)... we work in very different industries anyway so not comparable!!

Why does she do it? And how can I shut it down. Really starting to bother me

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 18/10/2019 09:23

she sounds as if she is very insecure herself so is trying to projecting on you to make herself feel better. Shes trying to 'help' you, because she probabaly feels you were the one who was always better than her in school, but now she's the one who is doing better. Its just insecurity from her to make herself feel better. If i were you - i would just make it clear you really dont need her help, as youve got a plan. Say something to throw her off.

Spied · 18/10/2019 09:24

Sounds like you are used to being 'top dog' around her and she's always felt inferior.
The playing field has levelled somewhat and she's relishing seeing the mighty fall.
Also sounds like you have had the chip knocked off your shoulder somewhat and you sound a little bitter.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2019 09:27

Are you sure she's not trying to help you, and you're just taking it thr wrong way? I can't see why offering to put you in touch with others is an issue.

How exactly does she phrase it when she compares you to others?

Original poster
Sarahsquareddd · 18/10/2019 09:27

Appreciate the comments - I’m 100% not too dog around her: we only met in our twenties anyway and I would never say anything like this around her!!

I’m of the people in glass houses mentality.. She says all these comments but equally I would never directly compare us, I’m doing it now because the situations clearly stack up.

I also wouldn’t say she’s doing any better per se

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahsquareddd · 18/10/2019 09:28
  • top dog

Nah she’s not trying help me just making comments about how all her other friends who are doing something -different and easier- aren’t struggling cosbtheyre clever (the implication being unlike me).

OP posts:
Batqueen · 18/10/2019 09:29

Sounds like she now has something to lord over you after years of feeling second best. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t trying to compete with her - she wants to compete with you.

Ohyesiam · 18/10/2019 09:30

She is just longing to get one up on you.
Is not the sort of thing that she’s likely to be receptive to talking about.

How much do you value her friendship ? Could you hold her at arms length?

Jeezoh · 18/10/2019 09:31

What is she trying to help to you with as your post is unclear to me? If she’s making you feel uncomfortable, just shut the conversation down with something like “oh let’s not talk about work, I do enough of that between 9 and 5, what do you fancy doing tonight? etc”

Zebraaa · 18/10/2019 09:33

I get the impression you make her feel Inferior too.

DobbinsVeil · 18/10/2019 09:41

Are you saying things to try and make her feel less insecure/more comfortable that perhaps she interprets as you struggling? Maybe she's also saying similar to them.

Perhaps the friendship has run its course if you're referring to her as a mean friend, she's not really a friend at all.

everythingthelighttouches · 18/10/2019 09:42

What a confusing post.

You write it as if you have known each other all your lives, saying “I was always more academic than my friend “, then you go on to say you only met in your twenties...

Anyway, this all sounds very juvenile to me. Why are you comparing yourselves to each other so much? Talk about something else or perhaps knock this friendship on the head if you really think this negativity is all driven by her.

Sounds like your own confidence has taken a bit of a hit anyway.

If it’s something like patent law then the exams go on forever and can take several tries to pass. People outside of your profession are unlikely to understand. Get some advice from a mentor in your field.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 18/10/2019 09:58

You don’t really sound like friends at all tbh.
I have lots of friends that I met in my 20s. I don’t know what they got in their GCSEs or A levels. It has never occurred to me to wonder what they earn in relation to me either. It sounds as those this friendship has always had a odd element of competition and comparison to it.

If you didn’t feel so competitive with this person, I don’t think you would find it hard to brush of any offers of help. You seem as eager to beat her at life as she does you. This isn’t how friendship works.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/10/2019 10:00

Are you beginning to doubt yourself? You're doing a lot of justifying why she isn't actually doing very well. Or are you simply finding it a bit difficult to adjust from being streets ahead academically to finding that academic prowess and a "good university" doesn't automatically translate into early career success?

Icecreamsoda99 · 18/10/2019 10:04

I have lots of friends that I met in my 20s. I don’t know what they got in their GCSEs or A levels.

This! Why would you even discuss this with a friend you met well after A Levels? Sounds like you are both rather competitive.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/10/2019 10:06

I'm with Getoffthetable. If you met in your twenties, why do you even know what O and A levels you each got - unless it was raised in conversation and how the hell would that come about? I have no idea what university my friends went to, what qualifications they have (unless we've actually needed to talk about it).

I wonder who raised the topic in the first place? If it was her, I'd say she feels a little insecure, maybe you are more confident in the workplace than her and she is putting that down to you being more 'intelligent' but really could do with a hand in learning how to put herself forward more.

And if it was you - then I may, cautiously, say that you enjoyed your achievements a little too much? Once out of school and employed, the topic of educational achievements is almost never raised. I couldn't even tell you what results my own KIDS got at school!

Chewbecca · 18/10/2019 10:08

This is all a bit weird, you don’t sound like you like your friend, it isn’t usual to compete with your friends and you haven’t told us what she is doing wrong other than suggesting help.

Beautiful3 · 18/10/2019 10:13

Just make a rule not to discuss it, ever!! Its silly.

Ihateedmundelephant · 18/10/2019 10:15

It sounds like you’re competitors rather than friends. Just stop associating with her as you clearly don’t like each other.

Ihateedmundelephant · 18/10/2019 10:18

I think I read your other post and you did sort of brag about your qualifications in that post too and mention how your uni was better than your friends. Is there any chance she’s trying to bring you down a notch? People who talk about their qualifications and stuff are a drag, especially when you met them long after school was finished! Maybe you shouldn’t go on about how clever you are so much (if you do, which, judging by your posts, I suspect you might?)

xoxoluna · 18/10/2019 10:20

Sounds like a lot of competitiveness here. You think you're better than her and now that you're struggling, she thinks she's winning and better than you by comparing her friends' situation to yours. Doesn't really sound like a good healthy friendship to me.

TatianaLarina · 18/10/2019 10:21

It sounds like you’re competitive yourself.

Why start a post with ‘I have always been more academic than my friend’? And list your grades? And then tell us you earn more?

Neither are relevant to the story.

It sounds like two competitive friends jabbing at each other tbh.

RhubarbsBack · 18/10/2019 10:27

Yeah but OP, you have just said that you went to a top 5 Uni and she went to a less academic Uni. Just what is a less academic Uni? And you know somehow that you are on more pay than her. So it does sound as though you do already compare even though you swear that you don't.

All my friends went to Uni but I have no idea if any of them went to a more academic or less academic Uni than me. I've never even thought about it. Nor would I ever know how much money they are earning. Again it would never cross my mind.

Sounds like yours is not a healthy friendship so if I were you I would cut my losses. You don't say if she's a good friend in other ways and to be fair, you don't say if you are a good friend to her either.

Move on and make new friends.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 18/10/2019 10:45

If you only met in your twenties how on earth do you know what grades each other got at GCSE & A level?

I have literally never discussed my results with anyone who wasn’t in my circle of friends at the time.

onanothertrain · 18/10/2019 10:55

Have you posted this before? It seems very familiar. You do sound like you don't like her and your post is quite braggy. If you are like that in reality I guess she's fed up hearing about how you're so much brighter than her

lovelypumpkin · 18/10/2019 10:57

So, you are saying that your friend keeps making digs and they bother you and you then think about it and there is no objective justification for the digs?

You have asked why she does it in your OP and I agree with pps that your friend might be insecure or other similar reasons.

You have asked how to shut it down but I think you'd be better off thinking about how you can not let it bother you. All through your life you will get times when other people give advice or passes comment on your life a way which rattles you, so it is a good skill to learn asap to think about it, make your own assessment, and run with your own assessment. Smile

The only time it would bother me what someone else thought would be if it affected decisions taken - eg if someone didn't listen to me when I needed them to, say, about the care of my child - and at those times I am assertive. But otherwise and in all other situations it doesn't matter I don't think - I quite like this quote: "What other people think of you is none of your business" Regina Brett

To shut it down you just need to be assertive and to the point, about you, not about her - "I am clever, and it is nothing to do with why I am going through xyz"