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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know why she does this (mean friend)?

44 replies

Sarahsquareddd · 18/10/2019 09:18

Truthfully I was always more academic than my friend. Was consistently top of class at school, A*s at Gcse, As at A level, top 5 university etc. Now work and floundering a little qualification wise (it’s tough).

Friend is doing well at their work - just had pay rise etc but has deduced I’m on more and always tries to quantify how much (I don’t say). Friend did well at uni but went to much less academic one: I genuinely don’t care about this and would never look at it from this perspective other than recent comments based around my struggle: comparing me to others, saying that xyz is “really clever” and not struggling like me, offering to put me in touch with others who’ve been through what I’ve been through (no thanks!)... we work in very different industries anyway so not comparable!!

Why does she do it? And how can I shut it down. Really starting to bother me

OP posts:

Geminijes · 18/10/2019 11:02

You say you met her in your 20's so why do you mention your GCSE and A level grades in your post and being top of the class?
You didn't know your friend then so why is this relevant?

I think, unknowingly, you must come across as smug in your achievements compared to hers hence why she is now relishing you finding things difficult.

Lovemenorca · 18/10/2019 11:06

i think you’re feeling down because you’re proud of your educational achievements but this hasn’t translated in to career success

Consequently you are feeling negative and over sensitive to perceived criticisms

HeckyPeck · 18/10/2019 11:08

Why does she do it? And how can I shut it down. Really starting to bother me

I don’t think it actually matters why she does it. It’s unkind to call your “friends” stupid. Real friends don’t do this.

If I were you I’d be thinking about if I want to be with someone who is unkind to me. I wouldn’t personally but if you do want to continue to be friends then don’t talk about work with her at all.

If she asks how work is say “It’s going really well thank you. How is your work?” Then if she tries to bring it back to your work or at more detail do as a PP suggested and say you don’t want to talk about work as you talk about it all day at work and change the subject.

AllFourOfThem · 18/10/2019 11:10

You’ve written your post in a way that makes me feel you want us to tell you that she is jealous of you but I don’t think she is. I also don’t think you are a friend to her so rather than worrying about this, I’d just move on.

MeggyMeg · 18/10/2019 11:10

Your OP about how much more academic you are and how you earn more than your 'friend' speaks volumes.

You clearly like being superior to her and perhaps she has seen your most recent shortcomings as a chance to bring you down a peg or two? Or maybe she's just as competitive as you are?
Whatever the cause this doesnt sound like much of a friendship.

Whilst you deserve to be congratulated for doing well at school and university and all that, it's worth realising that you have long since let school and success is about many factors. I'd say people skills are the most important.

Mephisto · 18/10/2019 11:19

Are you the same poster who is struggling with a qualification and who has a friend who has a friend doing a similar qualification to you but slightly less tough? And your friend keeps telling you her friend is ‘really clever’?

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 18/10/2019 11:53

School exams aren't necessarily a measure of intelligence. They show that someone - who may have had extensive support and coaching - has passed exams.

Do you honestly believe that people who go to private schools & get good results are more intelligent than those who got b grades with a whole lot less input?

ToothTeeth · 18/10/2019 12:02

think you’re feeling down because you’re proud of your educational achievements but this hasn’t translated in to career success

Consequently you are feeling negative and over sensitive to perceived criticisms

I agree with this ^

Fact is once you get into the working world and get going no one cares whether you have A*s, or went to Oxbridge. People only care about your career achievement.

The employee who signs a £1m client to the company is worth more than the one who can't bring people to the table.

The surgeon who is brilliant with her hands is worth more than the one with a 1st in medicine who gets nervous and shakey.

The man who invents Trunki is worth more than the one with 50 stupid prototypes in their cupboard.

You need to realise that academic achievement is only a starting point in life and what you did last week/last month/last year in your career is now more important.

It actually sounds like your friend is trying to help you and you are the one with the issue with her.

HeckyPeck · 18/10/2019 12:40

PS OP you don’t sound smug or braggy at all.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 18/10/2019 12:41

You’ve written your post in a way that makes me feel you want us to tell you that she is jealous of you but I don’t think she is.

Exactly this.

You're frustrated because despite being a high flyer at school and university you're now "floundering". That's not your friends fault.
It's not unusual for friends to offer to help each other out by sharing useful contacts- the fact that you dismiss your friends contacts as doing something "different and easier" than you speaks volumes. Fair enough if you feel their experience isn't relevant to your own field, that's a valid reason not to follow up on her offer. But dismissing their achievements as their jobs are "easier" than yours comes across as pretty arrogant on your part. You actually seem insulted that she has the audacity to think these people you consider beneath you may be able to tell you anything you don't already know. I know you probably stayed this thread hoping to get a unanimous "she's insecure and jealous" (and I'm sure you'll get plenty of that) but honestly it sounds like this is just as much about your own insecurities and perhaps the two of you just bring out the worst in each other.

PooWillyBumBum · 18/10/2019 12:51

My sister has a friend like this. They met at High School. Friend always identified as “clever one” but got AAB and DSis got AA*A. Sister went to top 5 uni, friend went to (still decent, top 20) less prestigious uni but constantly sent sister obscure league tables showing that her uni was better for Chemistry (which they both studied) and always makes comments about sister being ditzy/less clever. Sister just finds it funny.

If it’s worth being friends with her for other reasons then maybe avoid work/education topics entirely? If you’re venting friend may actually feel expected to contribute some advice or help?! If you’re right and your friend is trying to feel superior you need to decide whether the friendship is worth it otherwise.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 18/10/2019 12:53

Again? You clearly don't like her and want everyone to tell you that she's jealous or feels inferior or something. Maybe she just thinks you're a bit braggy and tries to bring you down a peg or two?

nakedscientistOfThigh · 20/10/2019 10:43

Friend did well at uni but went to much less academic one

What does this mean? She got a first but you don't rate it because it's Manchester met or the like? Well, that's not fair is it? If she got a first, she got a first. "top five uni' does not mean that your upper second is better than her upper second, it means that they get more research money, get higher satisfaction rates, have more students continuing, take in students with higher grades in the first place...

She's maybe feeling second best to you and trying to gain some equilibrium. Just because you 'don't say anything' doesn't mean she's not aware that you look down on her.

Sparklesocks · 20/10/2019 10:59

I think like I’ve read this before too.
And the fact is, once you’re out of school nobody cares what GCSEs/a levels/degree you have, in the big scheme of things it’s meaningless so it’s strange that the two of you are so focused on it.
But yes it sounds stressful and you don’t really sound like mates, it’s not supposed to be this hard with your friends.

Lovemenorca · 20/10/2019 11:23

And the fact is, once you’re out of school nobody cares what GCSEs/a levels/degree you have, in the big scheme of things it’s meaningless so it’s strange that the two of you are so focused on it.

Maybe 30 years ago!
Not so much now. For me to get on to my professional studies (15 years ago!) I needed a minimum of 2:1 degree

Sparklesocks · 20/10/2019 11:30

Lovemenorca I was referring more to social contexts, and you meet someone new you don’t tend to sit and discuss every qualification you have...

brittabot · 20/10/2019 11:36

When I met friends in my 20’s we didn’t discuss how well we did at school!

Equally I would expect a friend to be supportive so perhaps you aren’t as close as you think?

Hope all works out for you career wise.

64sNewName · 20/10/2019 11:46

I also saw your previous thread on this.

It seems like this issue is really preoccupying you more than it should. Instead of trying to work out how to ‘shut it down’, can you not just step back and try not to focus on it?

If I had a friendship dynamic that was bothering me so much I started two threads about it on MN, I’d probably take a step back and direct my energies elsewhere. Continually musing on it seems like displacement activity - like you’re hoping you can somehow manage or control this situation, in a way that you can’t control the other stuff you are struggling with.

TatianaLarina · 20/10/2019 12:01

It just seems like OP wants to shut down the competition.

The OP is clear - . Her friend should just accept she’s in second place and not try to compete.

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