To expect my brother to be more helpful in looking after aged mum (long)

[fiddlemama]

I have an 81 year old mum in v poor health. My sister and I who both work are bearing the brunt of looking after her with regular visits to shop/clean etc.

My brother, who is retired, goes once every three weeks to shop but always takes his wife and two year-old twins with him.

His wife (no. 3)who is only 27 and doesn't work outside the home, always falls asleep in a chair and takes no notice of kids. (Says she's "tired". She has a nanny 9-5, 5 days a week, a cleaner and my brother at home full time).

This leaves mum feeling responsible for watching them when my brother is not in the room and, as they are typical 2 year-olds and into everything, mum gets very anxious as she has restricted mobility and can't run around after them. She has a heart condition so this anxiety is not good for her.

The upshot of this is that mum wants me and my sister to do more so that she does not have to rely on my brother at all.

I rang my brother to suggest, as delicately as possible, that he might consider going on his own when it's his turn to shop and visit with kids at another time when he can stay with them and maybe not stay quite so long as they tire mum out quite quickly(though she loves them dearly obviously).

He swore at me and told me not to "tell him what he should do" and put the 'phone down.

Am I being unreasonable? Sis and I are at the end of our tethers and feel we can't do more than we are already doing. I work more than 40 hours a week and still have a daughter at school. Her daughters are grown up but sis doesn't drive and has to get two buses to and from mum's (more than three hours round trip) and works 15 hours per week.

Is your mum not entitled to any help from social services?

Your brother's setup does sound very strange..but perhaps he could afford a homehelp for your mum a couple of times a week if he doesn;t want to spare his own time.
Or send the nanny round and tell his wife to look after the kids for a change..

Mum has a carer who comes in 4 mornings a week to get her up and help her have a bath as she cannot bathe unaided. The other mornings she gets herself up and just washes her hands and face and gets dressed slowly and she puts herself to bed.

She used to have (and is still entitled to) a carer every morning and evening but she doesn't sleep very well and they often come at around 7am when she is not really ready to get up so she decided only to have them on the mornings when she wanted a bath.

She also used to have someone to shop but complained that they didn't stick to the list and often brought the wrong things and that they spent too much so she asked us to take that job over.

In some ways we realise that she should be in a care home but the problem is that, although her body is failing, she still has a very lively and acute mind. She has been into a home on a couple of occasions for rest after operations but says that it would drive her mad on a long term basis as nearly everyone is "gaga" and there's on-one to talk to.

She presently lives in sheltered housing where she has many friends to talk to and things going on in the function room a couple of times a week to get her out of her flat. (It's just down the corridor and she manages to get there with her walking frame though she's too unsteady and lacking in confidence to leave the building alone).

Brother lives 1 1/2 hours drive away, as do I, so don't think it's possible to send nanny (anyway SIL wouldn't be prepared to do without her I think) Provlem is, bro won't answer my calls anymore now.

Can your mum tell him that the kids are tiring her and that is why she doens't want to see them every time, if he is not going to be there with them?

I know it's delicate - but if she is the one that wants yuo and your sister to do more, then she should be the one to tell yyour brother why. Otherwise, your borther might think you are trying to freeze him out.

Perhaps your mum needs to accept the help whatever time of morning they get there - if it means someone is there to care for her it's better than nothing. (Is there anyway of asking them to make her the last call of the morning?)

Do her shopping for her online if poss and that would save that problem too.

If your brother has no conscience about his own mum then nothing you say will make a difference I'm afraid. Can your other sister try talking to him?

Mum has said that she finds the kids tiring but bro just ignores hints and carries on regardless. She daren't say any more to him as he has a fierce temper and she doesn't want to get into serious conflict with him. Ditto sister.

Shopping online a good idea except that she always wants us to visit the bank for her and get statements (so she can "see where she is") and money from the "hole in the wall" so she can pay the milkman/paperboy/cleaner and doesn't feel like letting a carer do that kind of thing for her.

Cleaner is private but she is 74 herself! (and now doesn't do a very good job to be honest hence cleaning when I go) Mum too soft hearted to let her go as she has been with her years and "needs the money".

Also worried about safety aspect as a few months ago little nephew pulled telephone wire off wall and left dangling and bro didn't fix before he left as he "doesn't do diy"! Mum has had two bad falls and a replacement hip and shoulder in the last five years and doesn't see too well because of cataracts. (We usually go through the weeks post with her as well as she doesn't want carer knowing her private business!)

Guess you're right though. Can't make him care if he doesn't.

Thanks for letting me have a moan!

sounds like yuo rmum is good at emotional blackmail... the more you do the more she will let you do, she obciously prefers your company, but isnt ocnsidering the cost to you and your health,,, wouldnt she rather have the non-family helpers and some proper quality time with you and your sis. sorry if this is being harsh, but at some point yuo should consoder yuor own health and sanity.

your brother is being unreasonable.
tell your sil not to go with the twins as your mother cant cope.
tell your brother specific things he has to either do hiself, or pay for to have done by someone else. have a rota of stuff so none of you siblings is overstretched

does your mum have a walking stick too ?

I suggest she uses it to prod your SIL awake and say "could you sort little x out dear ? I'm just not up to running round after them these days."

keep current cleaner. she sounds more like a companion etc? get new girl for extra cleaning.

I think you need to be honset to your mum. Tell her that you and your sister can't reasonably do more than you are already doing. You have responsiblities and commitments to your own families.

If she doesn't want to rely on your brother, then she needs to tell him so herself - and why. You say she still has a very lively and acute mind - then she should use it and be assertive with her son. Otherwise, she is just letting him do something to make him feel good - which isn't actually helping her at all, and in fact is having the opposite effect.

If she doesn't want to say it to him, becaus it might casue a fight, then perhpas she could try to write it.

If she is not prepared to do this, then she has to be prepared to accept extra help from other areas - and that includes getting shopping done for her, even if it is not done perfectly.

Both you and she want her to continue to live independently. That may mean her having to make some compromises and letting go of some things, and re-organising others.

Could you arrange with the paper boy and cleaner that they are paid fortnightly or monthly, so you don't need to be going so regularly to get cash?

Oh, I feel for you - my Mum carries the entire burden for my Grandpa and she is working full-time and lives a 3 hour drive away. He doesn't help himself either - removed himself from the waiting list for an excellent sheltered home scheme, sent the extra help on the way (cost too much and this from a man who is going to pay the IR a fortune when he dies!) and generally, expects my Mum to do miracles. Oddly enough, she does most of the time and I am really proud of her BUT I have learnt my lesson from her - I can and will say "No" when she, in turn, asks too much of me.

There must be compromise, alternative arrangements and BOUNDARIES. It isn't your job, IMO, to get your brother on side, that is down to your Mum and him - it is their relationship, for good or bad. The other thing is to approach the agency that should be helping your Mum and renegotiate their input. There have to be more times than 7 a.m. available.

washerwoman rofl at idea of mum poking sil with stick!

I guess there is a certain amount of emotional blackmail from mum to be honest. However, though I am tired I can't really get too annoyed with her for it as, in her position, I too probably wouldn't like the idea of strangers doing my banking and looking over my private correspondance.

Also when it comes to shopping, if the store doesn't have what is on the list, my bro and sis and I know mum well enough to know what she would or wouldn't like or find acceptable as an alternative.

She has very few pleasures left to her apart from food. Reading is difficult though she does get large print books from the library (another Saturday job I forgot!) and a magnifying glass, still she can't read for long. And her other great pleasure, music, is restricted as she is rather deaf now as well.

Have in past tried to get bro to pay for extra cleaner but won't while she keeps other one on says "waste of money" ( he's very well off btw) and besides he says "fiddle and other sis clean when they come so where's the need?" Sis and I can't afford and neither can mum.

Dropdeadfred and campershoes. Good idea to approach agency myself and ask to change times, will try that.

The good point is that I no longer will get the last minute visits from Bro and co. at weekends in school holidays when he phone saying "we're on our way over as we're tired and intend to let your kids (16, 14, and 12) look after our kids while we have a sleep" They then arrive and dump the twins on us while they stretch out on a sofa each and both go to sleep!

I know exactly how you feel. My Mum is now 87 and is lovely BUT she does like her whiskey!!! I have stopped buying it for her but my SIL buys it. She drank half a bottle on Sunday and promptly had two falls in the afternoon and evening. My brother just stood there moaning that I had made it down to pick her up off the floor and why didn't I telephone him to let him know. I did try and ring him but he didn't have his mobile on him. My SIL is fantastic, she does so much for my Mum but my brother is a pain in the **se. Needless to say the sun shines from every part of him as far as my Mum is concerned!!! ~Who am I to say anything different. I always worry that if I do, it will upset Mum and that will be the last time I will see her - I would hate that. I love her so much but it does hurt......

Madmumsy Sorry but, taking it that your mum didn't suffer any real damage? I had to smile at the thought of a drunk 87 year old.

Mine doesn't drink 'cos of diabetes (this is why it's so important to have the right kind of groceries in as her appetite often needs to be tempted or she won't eat and she must) She does, however, like her little "treats" ie tomatoes have to be Italian and on the vine, a little bit of smoked salmon (expensive) or a few nice prawns now and again. Nice fresh crusty bread at the weekends instead of the "plastic rubbish" the milkman delivers to keep her going during the week and bacon from the local butchers instead of supermarket 'cos it's tastier and doesn't have so much water in it etc.

Trouble is it's hard to begrudge them these little things isn't it when there's so little left in life for them?

Have you tried buying the whiskey in 1/4 bottles and watering slightly?

Listen to Campershoes. Set boundaries. Your mum isn't going to change things if you make life easy for her. I know it's a loving reaction - you want your mum to have as comfortable and "normal" life as possible - but she is not going to change thinsg unless she has to.

Similarly, by you and your sister doing the cleaning for your mum, it absolves your db of any responsibility for it.

You also need to let go: yes, the shopping might not be perfect,but how is anyone going to get to know her likes and dilikes if she just reverts to using you?

I can understand why she doesn't want "strangers" to know her financial affairs, but can you orgnaise things so that you and your sister don't need to be there alternate weekends? If she wants someone there every weekend, then she needs to have it out with your brother.

Even though I've said that it is your mum's responsibilty to deal with your db, if she won't, he starts talking to you again, why not take a different tack: he and his wife are obviously shattered looking after lively 2 yr old twins (extra paid help notwithstanding! ), so why doens't he consider paying for some extra help? Can you help indirectly, by offering to look after the twins while he goes across to your mum's - at least you don't then have to travel.

Your brother sounds like a selfish arse imo. I think he needs telling from you that he needn't bother trying to sleep and have your dc's as unpaid babysitters!! Wheres the nanny then?

Thanks prettybird but bro and I both live equidistant from mum but in almost opposite directions (mum bro and I are at 3 points of a roughly equilateral triangle) so dropping off the kids with me doesn't make logistical sense.

Mum did ask him once if he could go on a Friday (she's not dead set on Saturdays -that's just when sis and I go 'cos of work commitments)as on Fridays they have the nanny there so his DW wouldn't have to cope with the "lively" twins on her own, but no joy.

Although last time he went they all went on the Friday (nanny had day off) as they were "busy with church things all weekend"

I think he is just obtuse and perverse. He'll do things as he wants to do them and won't brook anyone's suggestion that another way may be better.

Another odd thing is that mum likes to have 'photos of all her grandchildren up but, as we give her new ones, takes one of the old ones down to make room. The twins are only two but he has taken so many 'photos round and banged them up on the walls without a "by your leave"(remember he doesn't do diy) that there are now as many photos of them as of the other nine grandchildren (aged 31 to 12 and including his other three from his first marriage) put together!!!

Dropdeadfred. Nanny doesn't do weekends!

There must be some things that you can organise to make life easier. See if you can organise a weekly bank transfer to the cleaner, and speak to the newsagents to see if you can pay monthly in advance so that your mum doesn't need you to be getting cash out all the time. Some local shops do deliveries, maybe she could get one of those every week? Or a Tesco delivery? I would be buying some things in more bulk, the smoked salmon, possibly the bacon and freezing it, then maybe start picking up the other bits with your shopping to save a special trip out. If she is happy for you to look at her bank statements, why not sort out online banking and then you could print them off for her?

oh...and your brother is an arse. Sound like SIL is too.

Sorry - misunderstood how far away he was becasue you mentioned him dropping by for "sleeps" on your sofa!

Nevertheless, your mum still needs to be stronger with him - she needs to say to to him that his "help" is not helping. If he wants to visit, then fair enoguh - but don't let him think it is help.

And you can help her by working out and agreeing with her (and your sister) other ways she can get the support she needs - but which don't entail you or your sis going over more often. You may need to get her to agree to let go of a few things - and you may also need to let go of a few things (in terms of the "ideal" care for your mum)

Lll: Sorry to be lazy with your nameThe online banking sounds like a very good idea if it's possible but I thought you could only get permission to deal with someone elses account if they were mentally incapable? I'll look into it.

Also idea of paying newsagent and cleaner monthly in advance, could do that with the hairdresser who comes once a week to give her a shampoo and set too.

Some really good ideas from lots of people.

Thanks so much

I'd meant to ask about Power of Attourney and whther you had it set up yet. If you haven't, your mum should be tihnking aobut it now - before she is mentally incapable.

There are different ways you can do it - she could set it up now that she wants you to have Power of Attouney even though she is still capable - but just to make life easier. Or she could set it up so that if she ever were incapable, it makes it much easier for you to activate it.

Whilst I am sure it would be a good idea to get official permission to deal with her accounts should things take a turn for the worse, maybe she could set it up (with your help of course) and you could simply use the passwords? She clearly trusts you and if you aren't about to rip her off it should be alright.

Is probably not a good ides for her to be keeping any sum of cash in her house anyway, really.