To expect my brother to be more helpful in looking after aged mum (long)

[fiddlemama]

I have an 81 year old mum in v poor health. My sister and I who both work are bearing the brunt of looking after her with regular visits to shop/clean etc.

My brother, who is retired, goes once every three weeks to shop but always takes his wife and two year-old twins with him.

His wife (no. 3)who is only 27 and doesn't work outside the home, always falls asleep in a chair and takes no notice of kids. (Says she's "tired". She has a nanny 9-5, 5 days a week, a cleaner and my brother at home full time).

This leaves mum feeling responsible for watching them when my brother is not in the room and, as they are typical 2 year-olds and into everything, mum gets very anxious as she has restricted mobility and can't run around after them. She has a heart condition so this anxiety is not good for her.

The upshot of this is that mum wants me and my sister to do more so that she does not have to rely on my brother at all.

I rang my brother to suggest, as delicately as possible, that he might consider going on his own when it's his turn to shop and visit with kids at another time when he can stay with them and maybe not stay quite so long as they tire mum out quite quickly(though she loves them dearly obviously).

He swore at me and told me not to "tell him what he should do" and put the 'phone down.

Am I being unreasonable? Sis and I are at the end of our tethers and feel we can't do more than we are already doing. I work more than 40 hours a week and still have a daughter at school. Her daughters are grown up but sis doesn't drive and has to get two buses to and from mum's (more than three hours round trip) and works 15 hours per week.

cant she do online banking herself?
surely the font size can be blown up to be big enough for her to read. you would have to show her how touse the internet, but i'm sure you could do that.
tell your brother that either he pays for a cleaner, or gets his wife to do the cleaning. or better yet, tell her to., you will have a cleaning staff soon enough!
there is a mobile library in my area. thye actually come into your home with books for you. check if your library does one. or get your kids to do the library run for her. assuming they are over twelve?

Got a message to go down to the hospital as mum was taken in yesterday with suspected pneumonia.

Thanks for the advice.

Power of Attourney is a problem as my brother (who is the eldest, I am the youngest) has made it clear that he thinks he should be given power of attourney and if not there could be trouble. Mum reluctant to do that as he never contacts her except when it's his week to do the duties. He never rings to say "Hi, how are you?" and yet was most put out that mum rang sis and not him to let us all know she was going into hospital! So for the moment there is an impass.

Don't think she would cope with using internet. She is still very bright and alert but does have the trouble most old people have with technology. (She had her digibox for several weeks before she cottoned on properly how to use it - bless!) Besides that would involve buying her a computer which no-one except bro could afford and he's not likely to cough up. When she's home again I will just set up internet banking as though I am she as suggested and then print off the statements (which I can blow up to large print) and send them or take them to her.

Like the idea of library visiting her and will look into.

Large sums of cash in the house are a problem and that is why she has wanted it drawing every week!

Thanks again. You're all great!

It's not up to your borther who your mum defines as power of attorney - it's up to your mum. She doesn't need to tell him, and at least it is then in place should it ever be needed. As long as she is fully alert at the time that she does it, then there is nothing he can do about it.

I hope your mum is getting better and won't be in hospital too long.

maybe now is a time to call a "family conferecne" and say - no judgementally of course - that the current regime is not working and what ideas do all the family members have as to how to imporve things.

Hi fiddlemama,

I'm sorry that your brother sounds like such an a*!!

I hold power of attourney over my father who has senile dementia. I also have a brother and sister, but my brother is useless and my sister lives miles away so they are happy for me to do it. You can apply for joint power of attorney and that way, all of her children could have this together. Don't know if that's a reasonable suggestion for you?

On another note, my mam suddenly died this year due to a cancer that was only diagnosed 8 weeks before hand. During this time, my brother did nothing, except for visit her once. My sister was able to come home and helped her a lot during this time. I did as much as I could, although I will always believe it wasn't enough.

What I'm trying to say is, cherish the time you have and you will never feel guilty for not being there.

Lisa x