To be upset by this?

[tempnamechange98765]

Sort of posting for traffic but also I might be being really precious!

DS is 4 at the end of the year and started nursery attached to his future school in September. It's 2.5 hours a day.

He seems to enjoy it, we had a parents' evening recently and they said he's settled well, is very polite etc.

So as not to drip feed, I've had some concerns over his behaviour due to comments from his old pre school, but a lot of the comments did seem OTT. The school nursery know the background, but as I said above are happy with how he's doing. He also goes to a private nursery one day a week (which is now a wraparound day, they drop off and pick up from the school nursery) where he is apparently very good, always has lovely days.

Recently when I collect him from school nursery, he refuses to come to me. It's a system where parents/carers queue up at the door and they send the children out one by one. He doesn't tantrum exactly, but takes ages to come when they call him, refusing at first, being really stroppy saying no, no! Etc. When he first started he was happy to see me, this has only been going on the last couple of weeks. However I had the EXACT same issue the same time last year at his pre school, when he was nearly 3.

My DM and MIL pick him up some days, and he seems happy to go with them.

I've explained to him it makes me sad, I've tried reminding him when I drop him that it's me who'll collect him and that I can't wait to see him, that I miss him when he's there etc. I remind him about a fun activity we'll be doing after I pick him up. So far nothing has worked, and it's starting to really upset me (not to mention be really embarrassing as it's in front of a load of other parents, I'm sure they think DS is a little brat).

He's absolutely not a mummy's boy, never has been, and much prefers DH to me generally (eg in the morning he loves it when it's DH's turn to get him dressed and take him to nursery, and when it's just me he says things like I want daddy).

One day he'll just stop and it'll become a habit. In the mean time try not to take it personally, for most kids the transition is the hardest at that age. For example home to school, school to home, etc. If you're worried about what the parents think just stand at the back until he has less of an audience!

He goes in without looking back 99.9% of the time! So he definitely doesn't find the home to school transition difficult 😑

I'm worried it'll become a habit to be stroppy, so even if he is happy to come home on that particular day, he'll still react that way. That seemed to be what happened at pre school as he behaved like that at pick up for what felt like ages.

My DM has suggested being last to go in! It's hard with 40 kids as it feels like a lot of parents arrive late, so I'll have to just sit in the car and try and time it well if I want to be last!

Dd was like this at a nursery she didn't like, and it turned out the nursery was really crappy, it massively failed it's first Ofsted and recently shut down. Does he say he likes it there? Dd has been in several early years settings and this is the only one she had this behaviour. Telling him his behaviour makes you sad isn't fair on him. I hope you find a solution, nursery should be working with you to help you both.

I have no idea how to solve this but I feel bloody sorry for you OP. Little bugger.

Have nursery offered any suggestions? Hopefully be will grow out of it soon, it’s probably some sort of attention seeking behaviour that he’s got himself into. Try not to take it personally!

He'll be fine soon. It's the start of a new school year.. or maybe wait til the back of the queue so that he will be looking for you..

I think nursery should be tackling this - they've set up the system where you queue and they call the children one by one. It is up to them when they all your DS to teach him th the rule is he goes to you sensibly to go home.
It might just be that he doesn't want nursery to finish as he is enjoying it. It might be that he finds the whole lining up and going one by one a bit stressful. I imagine the children get a bit antsy waiting until it is their turn to have their names called.
But whatever it is nursery should be addressing it - mybe by giving him warning ' we will be finishing soon DS so you need to be ready for mummy to collect you' maybe holding his hand and walking him up to you, and saying something like ' have a lovely afternoon DS we'll see you tomorrow' to help him with the transition.
I think it is unlikely that he doesn't want to go with you, more likely that something about the way the collection is handled is unsettling him - can he definitely see you waiting? Does he have his coat on ready when you arrive ? Is he hungry (tempt him out with snacks - joking !) but he could be fractious because he needs his lunch or tea.

Meant to add - tell him when he leaves in the morning that you'll be bringing a snack for him, or a favourite toy or whatever when you come to pick him up.

Sorry to clarify it's the parents/carers who queue up, the children are all sat in groups/circle time style. I imagine they sing a goodbye song or something before finishing, I'm sure he's well aware it's going home time, he catches on quickly!

Yes he definitely seems to like it. He's keen to go in, never gets upset and the feedback from his parents evening was positive. It's a lovely, good school. I know they were collecting leaves wearing wellies in the garden today which he would've loved.

I might try his beloved teddy - telling him I'll bring it in the car and he'll be waiting for him. It's a desperate measure and I don't think it'll work but I'll try anything!

Can you arrange to be last in the line and just wait it out talking to the nursery staff so he doesn’t feel he is controlling the situation. Also don’t mention it and just keep saying positive things to him and chatting away .
My youngest favoured his dad very obviously for years probably does still , I get all sorts of mean things said to me . However he knows I love him and am always there for him and I’ve never waived from this message . He is 9 now and still lives being with dad as they do sport together and generally muck around. I get the homework , putting him up bed getting him up and discipline purely by the fact I’m around more. I am tne one he asks for when he is sick or tired or needing support and he now says he hits out at me verbally when he doesn’t know how to handle things as he knows I live him and won’t judge him .
Don’t let it become a habit and just remove the power by showing him you don’t worry about it

What would happen if you said "ok then then ds. I'm going. Byeeeeeee".

I wouldn't be explaining the effect it has on you. That's a green light to keep doing it as he knows he's getting a reaction!

Yes I think I'm going to aim to be one of the last! It's tricky as I think by the time they've turfed all the kids out it's well gone 11:30am and some parents are still only turning up so are obviously very last minute. I need to be one of the last minute ones! Hopefully then at least there'll be fewer people to judge.

If I turned and said ok bye see you later, I'm worried he'd actually be even more defiant about it and it'd cause more drama to be honest!

Yes I think I'm going to aim to be one of the last! It's tricky as I think by the time they've turfed all the kids out it's well gone 11:30am and some parents are still only turning up so are obviously very last minute. I need to be one of the last minute ones! Hopefully then at least there'll be fewer people to judge.

If I turned and said ok bye see you later, I'm worried he'd actually be even more defiant about it and it'd cause more drama to be honest!

Interesting to read that the view is I shouldn't make a big deal out of it though. DH and I were thinking the opposite - that he needs to know it's not on, to punish him etc. I haven't tried the breezy tactic - worth doing.

Breezy dont make him think its upsetting you

I think the less fuss you make when picking him up the better.
He's using his actions in a power play.
The more you gush and coax him with toys etc the more defiant I think he will become.
Go, wait in line, no direct eye contact and and cool and calm approach and I'm sure it will make a difference.
It's worth a try.

You are reading too much into this and need to be objective and act like an adult, and not a child.

Thanks all! I think I will definitely try the breezy approach. I will also take the beloved teddy in the car though as it'll make him so happy to see it!

thisistheend, that would be helpful, if you were suggesting how I could be objective? As yes, I do tend to read into things a lot. Bit regardless it is mortifying and embarrassing in front of 40 other parents/carers!

Ah, your mention of circle time made me think--are they all bundled up in their jumpers and coats? Could he be over heating and exacerbating him not enjoying the change in routine?

I'll come and join you, my almost three year old does this every session too. I do my best to just be breezy and not comment on it but it is embarrassing

HerOutdoors good thought but no we put coats etc on in the cloakroom after. Plus he's fine when my DM and MIL (and nursery as he's in wraparound one day a week) pick him up.

bloodywhitecat oh no sorry it happens to you too!!! Any tips on the breeziness?

I've explained to him it makes me sad

Completely understand how distressing & embarrassing this can be, but it is just a phase OP.

I recommend you DON'T tell him about your feelings anymore - it is counter-productive. Instead, take a leaf out of this book (see link) & try something like "I know you don't want to leave yet - even though all the other children are going now, because it's hometime"
& encourage him to talk about what he is feeling.

He needs to have his feelings acknowledged before he can hear you.
He's not able to take your feelings on board, & they are not relevant to him because they don't recognise whatever he is processing when it is hometime.

pp's suggestions above about favourite toy/snack & waiting to go in last are good. Keep soldiering on OP - this too shall pass!

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_1?hvlocphy=9046042&hvnetw=g&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+book&hvadid=292122058464&qid=1571396208&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6Z6Zg9Ol5QIV0-J3Ch3TTgrtEAAYASAAEgL3qPD_BwE&hydadcr=24464_1816163&hvpos=1t1&hvdev=c&hvqmt=b&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=aud-615477028318%3Akwd-330897423812&adgrpid=64220718688&hvrand=2468695817763677604&sr=8-1

DH and I were thinking the opposite - that he needs to know it's not on, to punish him etc.

No.
It will only make your boy more resistant, & offers him too much feedback (even negative) on behaviour you are looking to discourage.
Breezy, as pp said above, is the way to go.
You cannot let him cotton on to the fact that he can control you by refusing to come with you. He will respond to that by entrenching, because at least it gives him a predictable (i.e. safe) outcome every time.

It's all in the book linked above! - highly recommended, the authors are honest & straightforward about their own challenges :)

Yanbu to find this upsetting but I doubt it is personal. My son (now 6) hates transitions and this is the kind of thing he will have phases of doing. I remember when he was 3 he would pretend I was a scary monster when I'd turn up to collect him from his grandma's house, it was like he was making a point about the fact that I'd left him and he was cross with me for leaving him.
I would really very much style it out, pretend it doesn't bother you and later on, just mention to him how pleased you are to see him and ask if you can give him a cuddle. If he says no to a cuddle just say "ok, let me know if you'd like a cuddle later".

My dd did this the whole two years she was at preschool, was excited to be picked up by anyone except me, sometimes, she would see it was me picking her up & literally turn around & just walk back inside! It was honestly just because I am her main carer, & it's new & exciting when other people picked her up, even if they did it regularly. She even now still sometimes looks disappointed when she sees me at the school gates! The joys of being their main carer 🤣

I agree that the breezy approach might be best. It's probably not a good idea to try and big-up the fact that you can't wait to pick him up, do fun things together - that's just building it up into a big thing where there is loaded expectation.