To be upset by this?

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Sort of posting for traffic but also I might be being really precious!

DS is 4 at the end of the year and started nursery attached to his future school in September. It's 2.5 hours a day.

He seems to enjoy it, we had a parents' evening recently and they said he's settled well, is very polite etc.

So as not to drip feed, I've had some concerns over his behaviour due to comments from his old pre school, but a lot of the comments did seem OTT. The school nursery know the background, but as I said above are happy with how he's doing. He also goes to a private nursery one day a week (which is now a wraparound day, they drop off and pick up from the school nursery) where he is apparently very good, always has lovely days.

Recently when I collect him from school nursery, he refuses to come to me. It's a system where parents/carers queue up at the door and they send the children out one by one. He doesn't tantrum exactly, but takes ages to come when they call him, refusing at first, being really stroppy saying no, no! Etc. When he first started he was happy to see me, this has only been going on the last couple of weeks. However I had the EXACT same issue the same time last year at his pre school, when he was nearly 3.

My DM and MIL pick him up some days, and he seems happy to go with them.

I've explained to him it makes me sad, I've tried reminding him when I drop him that it's me who'll collect him and that I can't wait to see him, that I miss him when he's there etc. I remind him about a fun activity we'll be doing after I pick him up. So far nothing has worked, and it's starting to really upset me (not to mention be really embarrassing as it's in front of a load of other parents, I'm sure they think DS is a little brat).

He's absolutely not a mummy's boy, never has been, and much prefers DH to me generally (eg in the morning he loves it when it's DH's turn to get him dressed and take him to nursery, and when it's just me he says things like I want daddy).

Plus he's fine when my DM and MIL
Ah, but they aren't his every day parent. They are different because he doesn't have them all day every day. So them picking up is probably a promise of more fun, while you picking him up is his fun time (school) ending.

Being a parent sucks sometimes.

My DS does this sometimes at nursery. He usually responds well to making it into a competition/game e.g. who do you think can walk to the car quickest, you or me? Can you talk to the staff as well and see if they can help, on a couple of occasions a member of staff has helped by saying eg “Oh can I come and see your coat on your peg with you and mummy DS?” etc.

I do think it's a little bit oversensitive to be upset by this but that's just my opinion.

Personally I think the more you tell him it makes you sad and the big long talks about how it’s upsetting for you are going to make this worse and prolonged.

Nursery is supposed to be a fun place, they shouldn’t be dying to leave. He is having fun in a stimulating environment. I understand that you have missed him but it’s good he hasn’t missed you or that would make it 100 x worse for you to leave him.

I say ignore this, do not show this has upset you (son could see this as him having fun enjoying nursery is upsetting you) as it could become very confusing to him.

I wouldn’t be making a big deal about it.

Thanks everyone, really good advice and good to know it's not just me this happens to. I am being sensitive for sure, I'm pretty over sensitive anyway. I'm going to try the breezy approach, although being such an anxious highly strung individual, my version of breezy is going to be like Monica on Richard's answer machine in Friends - "I'm breezy"!

With the talking about feelings thing, I always try and encourage DS to talk about his feelings, ask how he is feeling if he's being difficult etc. It usually works semi well as eg he was acting up something rotten when my DM dropped him back this week, I asked how he was feeling and he said "cross", I asked why and he said "because I wanted to see daddy at home not you". So at least I knew why! And I could say "I understand that you wanted to see daddy but he'll be home after work etc and this afternoon we're doing xyz". Sense the pattern - I think I'm his least exciting person ha!

I just chat, loudly, about any toddlerish exciting thing I can see and completely ignore the ignoring/huffing/wailing from the carpet. I go for the ridiculous "I wonder if I can get to ????? before X does?!" or something similarly banal, it is slowly working.