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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel am not to blame?

31 replies

Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 09:09

My DH and I relocated out of London to live closer to family a while ago. This was a hard decision to take, but we thought our kids needed family around and we were struggling financially because DH decided to leave his job and go freelance. Now, fast-forward five years, DH's business hasn't really taken off as he hoped it would and he is blaming me for having persuaded him to leave the city to a quieter place. Every time we have an argument, it escalates into him accusing me of "ruining his life" and money issues become a blame game. We've just had a huge flare up this morning because he's fallen out with my parents and I'm feeling drained. I feel it's unfair as I never forced him to relocate and feel I shouldn't take the blame for his financial issues or business problems. I have worked steadily in the meantime to support the family, allowing him space to develop his own business, and I am totally bewildered by how much resentment surfaces each time we argue. He has suggested counselling and perhaps it's a good idea. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
SeaViewBliss · 17/10/2019 09:13

Definitely try counselling. At a guess I would say he is feeling insecure about his business not working out and is misplacing his anger/embarrassment on you.

It's not at all fair. He is an adult and presumably agreed at the time that moving was the best thing for your family. He can't blame you if it was a joint decision. If he is suggesting counselling I would imagine he knows that deep down.

Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 10:03

thanks - am so upset right now. I feel that he definitely has business problems, but I should not take the blame. It is so true - this is a misplacement issue - but the hatred which emerges during arguments seems so intense it's scary, even though we get on well usually. I am also exhausted trying to support him emotionally through all the business ups and downs whilst my own career is taken for granted. Oh, it feels better now that I've vented. Thanks Seaviewbliss.

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NewYorkYankee · 17/10/2019 10:20

Plus he probably feels isolated if it was your family you moved to be near to, and he left his friends in London.

Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 10:42

His family are here too, as we both came from the same home-town, where we originally met. But we did leave many friends behind and the scene is not the same here - much more conservative and uneventful, so he's feeling that quite a lot.

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Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 10:44

Not sure how we'd relocate back to London now, though - with our kids all settled in schools here and an unstable income till his business takes off... assuming it would really do better there than here... What a problem :(

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ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 10:57

the hatred which emerges during arguments seems so intense it's scary

What do you mean? If he's abusive, counselling isn't recommended as it can compound the issue.

Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 10:59

No, he's not abusive. Just very temperamental - but he says dreadful things which I hope he doesn't mean - like I've ruined his life, etc..

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ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 11:04

I'm struggling to see how that's acceptable and not abusive, tbh - if he seeks to emotionally hurt you during a discussion, whether he means it or not?

Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 11:08

yes, am trying to work on a project for my own job and struggling with this sick feeling in my stomach. He needs to learn to argue fairly and not throw all sorts of horrible comments at me. I hate having to bear all the weight of his disappointment and hatred of our current location. If we had to move again, I am not sure if things would even be better or not, seeing that his work is so unstable.

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ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 11:08

But to answer your question, YANBU to feel you are not to blame. Of course you're not. It sounds like you've done a fine job in keeping your family afloat. He should be thanking and appreciating you.

Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 11:10

yes, very close to that description - thanks for the link. Though thank God I am financially independent so far - but if we had to relocate, I might struggle to find another job as good as my current one.

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Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 11:11

I would appreciate myself, if I were him. Feel like crying, as important work deadline tomorrow and not concentrating now as feeling sick to the stomach :(

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Original poster
Ticketyboop · 17/10/2019 11:11

thanks guys for your support

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ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 11:13

I'd take all thoughts of making any big decisions like relocating out of the equation for now, certainly whilst he's being so unreasonable. F

Focus on the financial stability you have, and the best way to proceed with removing his abusive behaviour from your family life.

awesomeaircraft · 17/10/2019 11:38

It is a tough one. I have done a lot of relocating because of DH's career to the detriment of my own so I have some sympathy. HOWEVERif it was agreed beforehand and an informed decision then it should not be revisited.

Your collective energies should be going to find a solution in the short/medium term.

Counselling for the relationship.
Career coaching for the freelance business, with a view of either relaunching it with a sound business plan or to change career/approach.

EKGEMS · 17/10/2019 11:38

Wouldn't surprise me one iota he wants to go to counseling so the counselor can tell you this is all your fault! Wouldn't it be ironic that if you did go and they tell him you aren't to blame?! I'm concerned you say he is very temperamental and hateful-do you walk on eggshells around him? I wouldn't tolerate that shit

ShutupWesley · 17/10/2019 13:18

Let him fuck off back to London then if he is so bothered about it... It's really unfair of him to place the blame on you when you have been working to support the family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2019 13:22

If his business hasn’t taken off in 5 years he needs to get a proper job. It’s not fair to put the financial burden for your life on you and then resent you for his failings.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/10/2019 13:26

I'd go for the counseling before any big decisions. You aren't to blame, these sorts of life decisions are hard and the results can be really unpredictable.

Original poster
Ticketyboop · 18/10/2019 07:42

I like the idea of counselling. I think it would be great, even for anger management and arguing constructively instead of so destructively.. He also has a different style to me - I'm not very vocal or dramatic and he sees this as a lack of emotion or a sign of 'not bothering', which isn't right either.

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Original poster
Ticketyboop · 18/10/2019 07:43

AnneLovesGilbert, you know I am having the same thoughts about his 'business'... It hasn't taken off and he has gone from a highly-paid profession to struggling to make ends meet and depending heavily on me, whilst also expecting me to bear most of the childcare responsibilities..

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SnuggyBuggy · 18/10/2019 07:53

I wonder if this business is doing more harm than good now. I guess counselling could also help him to come to a decision there.

FairiesontheSwing · 18/10/2019 09:04

So you are the breadwinner, main childcare and I guess do most of the housework? And his failure is your fault? He sounds very bitter and insecure which is not acceptable if it affects the way he treats you.

What does he think about getting a job?

HorseradishSnowflake · 18/10/2019 17:24

Bit of a coincidence that he let's rip just at a crucial point for your work. Does he resent your success? Why has he fallen out with your parents? Xx

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