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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not go along with this friend, does anyone understand the other side??

42 replies

Unsurefriend · 17/10/2019 08:56

Hi all, looking for some advice on a friend who is currently the OW.

As background, friend has had a very tough time with a long term relationship, which ended when he was caught having an affair.

She has recently started an affair with her senior at work, he has a long term partner.

I am furious, at them both. I think it’s an awful thing to do and frankly don’t understand how she can find someone who can do that attractive. We’re not talking long term, emotional connection. They were having sex within a few days of meeting.

I genuinely can’t work out if iabu to be very angry (she’s going down the route of not everything is black and white, sometimes you marry these people etc). If I’m honest it’s making me not like her as a person to be able to treat this poor woman this way.

Be honest, should I butt out as she’s an adult who can decide what she wants? Should I just put it to one side as none of my concern?

He is late 30’s she is 26.

OP posts:
Duchessofealing · 17/10/2019 08:59

It’s nothing to do with you. Stop being friends with her if you want but this has nothing at all to do with you. Is she doing the wrong thing - it’s not black and white. Is he doing the wrong thing - probably. Still nothing to do with you though.

frazzledasarock · 17/10/2019 09:00

I ended a friendship when former friend did this.

She slowly re-wrote history to a version where they fought the odds to be together 🤢

And she was very very nasty about the ex.

When threads like these pop up I wonder if the OM ever regrets leaving his very young DC and long term partner for ex friend. She was utterly batshit and always had to have some kind of drama going on.

user1493413286 · 17/10/2019 09:04

In your situation I would decide first if you want to/can stay friends with her while she does this. If you want to stay friends with her then you can tell her you disagree with what she’s doing then butt out and be ready to pick up the pieces. If you stay friends with her while continually telling her she shouldn’t do this then I don’t think you’ll have much of a friendship left anyway.
In my experience you can love someone as a friend but not like what they’re doing and remain friends but it depends on the depth of the friendship. My best friends have done things that I really disagree with and we’ve remained friends but maybe someone I’m less close with I’d put some distance between in the same scenario.

IncrediblySadToo · 17/10/2019 09:07

Is he doing the wrong thing

In what world is that even a question?

It’s no excuse, but she’s in a bad place, she’s hurting and ‘acting out/getting revenge/evening up the score ’ whatever you want to call it.

I would tell her that it’s not going to make her feel better (more than momentarily), it’s not going anywhere & that she should think about the fact she’s putting his partner in the same position she was in (and I doubt she blamed her bloke 100%) and that rather than feel goid/empowered, she more likely to end up feel crap but I wouldn’t stop being her friend.

Original poster
Unsurefriend · 17/10/2019 09:07

Thanks Duchess. I think I’m really struggling with how this will affect his family, and if the shoe was on the other foot I’d want to know, but maybe I just accept that whatever will happen will happen, & hope she doesn’t end up regretting it

OP posts:
skippy67 · 17/10/2019 09:07

It's nothing to do with you who your friend sleeps with. They're both consenting adults. Up to you if you want to end a friendship over it though.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 09:09

Very angry is an extreme reaction, do you even know this man to be so fretful over his family? Seriously, it's one thing to frown upon her behaviour but your reaction is seriously ott and over invested.

Original poster
Unsurefriend · 17/10/2019 09:11

I think maybe that’s it, she knows how I feel about it, and I’m genuinely concerned about how this will affect her. She’s a v close friend so maybe I think of it like family and know I’ll love them anyway & just hope for the best.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 17/10/2019 09:12

If your friend discusses it with you then it is something to do with you. Bollix to not getting involved although theres not much you can do

Original poster
Unsurefriend · 17/10/2019 09:14

Aware of but not personally. I think it’s partly that I picked up the pieces of when this happened to her, and was angry on her behalf at that time, so I can’t believe she’d do that to someone else.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 17/10/2019 09:18

i agree with what other PPs have said

if she's in every other aspect a valued friend, and you would be losing out a lot by stepping away, then i would have a very frank conversation with her.

tell her it's obviously her decision, explain your concerns, and how you feel about her double-standards (although might position that a little less judgementally, if possible Grin).

just say that you love and value her as a friend and you want nothing more than for her to be happy, but that you don't want to discuss this aspect of her life with her at this point.

however, if you feel you can, make sure she knows you will be there for her if this doesn't turn out like she hopes.

be prepared for her to distance herself from you though, if she is the sort that can't deal with people disagreeing with them.

Original poster
Unsurefriend · 17/10/2019 09:19

Vulpine you’re right, not really anything to do apart from letting her know I’m not supporting it. Think I’ll just gently let her know I don’t want to be involved/ keep discussing it

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsurefriend · 17/10/2019 09:23

@DiscontinuedModelHusband this is exactly what my mind was trying to articulate, thank you.

Thank you all for the quick responses, it feels clearer already!

OP posts:
lyingwanker · 17/10/2019 09:31

I'd feel the same as you OP. Especially after her own relationship ended after he had an affair.

I think when it comes to affairs and cheating I always take it quite personally. By that I mean that I always put myself in the innocent partners position and just imagine how devastating that must be.

katewhinesalot · 17/10/2019 09:40

I'd be quite blunt and remind her how she felt when the shoe was on the other foot. I'd then say that I don't want to hear about it as she knows how I feel, but I'd still be her friend. There wouldn't be that much sympathy when the shit hits the fan though.

scoobydoo1971 · 17/10/2019 09:48

I had a friend in University who went on to have an affair with her married boss. She was always desperate for a boyfriend of her own, and when she couldn't keep hold of anyone for a long-time then she settled for her boss. It ended badly, and she had to move jobs too. I abandoned the friendship at that stage. She had been a good friend for a drink and a chat, but ultimately her lack of morals and flaky behaviour when a prospective man was on the scene made me realise the friendship was doomed. It is ok to reject friends when they show themselves to be someone who is not compatible with your integrity and sense of morality. I also think if your friend is prepared to have an affair, even due to low self esteem, then it does mean she won't be a reliable influence in your life...the underpinning message of her behaviour is that her needs and wants come first, and above other people, their well-being and happiness. While she is single, she is settling for a man who already has a relationship. I wouldn't trust someone who does that tbh.

pictish · 17/10/2019 09:49

In my experience people can go a bit freedom crazy when they emerge from a bad long term relationship...and sometimes they don’t make the wisest choices.
My advice is to sit back and stay out of it. This phase may well end of its own accord in good time.
Don’t go moralising on her behalf. No one has asked you to do so. His family are strangers to you and I’m sure you have enough on your own plate to be agonising about their fate.

Dieu · 17/10/2019 09:52

I'm with you, OP. And this would be a friendship dealbreaker for me.
My sister has just ditched one of her oldest and closest friends, for having sex with the married man she's seeing, while his wife slept unaware in the room next door.
When your values become mismatched to that extent, it's game over where the friendship's concerned.
YANBU.

CleopatraTomato · 17/10/2019 09:53

My best friend of 40 years did it. She lost some friends along the way. Not me. Who are we to police other people's relationships? It does not affect you. You do not know the full story. However only you know whether her friendship is worth more than that to you.

We all choose and drop friends and acquaintances based on a range of criteria - you have yours.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 09:53

When I was very young with even lower self esteem than I currently have I would take any crumb of affection that I could get.

I made a couple of short term very bad choices - when I was in the moment it was a reasonable thing to do, enjoyable, even loving.

With hindsight and retrospect I realise I just had no self esteem, self worth or dignity. She needs to work on those. She won’t know that though

Beautiful3 · 17/10/2019 10:06

It's none of your business. Stay out of it. If she talks about it just say, I dont want to know.

Bluerussian · 17/10/2019 10:17

It's not your business, Unsurefriend. I can understand how you feel about it, especially as it was done to her, but she's a human being who probably never thought she would do such a thing and then found she had an overpowering attraction to a man in a relationship. It might not last.

You don't have to carry on being friendly with her but she confided in you so she must trust you. Why don't you say to her that it makes you feel uncomfortable and would rather she didn't talk to you about it any more - but still be friends.

She will need friends if it all goes belly up.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 10:20

I would definitely think less of her because of it and I would give her my honest opinions on it if she asked

Loveislandaddict · 17/10/2019 10:22

I agree with User14 above. You need to decide whether to stay friends with her, but disagree with her actions, Otto ditch the friendship.

I can see you have been on an emotional rollercoaster of a journey with her, by supporting her through her marriage troubles and separation. I’m guessing that you feel that, after all this, she is letting you (and herself) down, by going down the affair route, and you don’t know if you have enough left in the bank again to support her again when this relationship fails, especially as its self-induced.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/10/2019 10:25

Mind your own business. If you decide you don't want to be friends with her any more, then walk away, but your opinion of her relationship is of no importance to anyone but you. Particularly as you don't know what might have motivated her new partner to have an affair. Affairs are sometimes the best way out of a dead or even toxic relationship. Monogamy fetishism never does anyone any good.