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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not go along with this friend, does anyone understand the other side??

42 replies

Unsurefriend · 17/10/2019 08:56

Hi all, looking for some advice on a friend who is currently the OW.

As background, friend has had a very tough time with a long term relationship, which ended when he was caught having an affair.

She has recently started an affair with her senior at work, he has a long term partner.

I am furious, at them both. I think it’s an awful thing to do and frankly don’t understand how she can find someone who can do that attractive. We’re not talking long term, emotional connection. They were having sex within a few days of meeting.

I genuinely can’t work out if iabu to be very angry (she’s going down the route of not everything is black and white, sometimes you marry these people etc). If I’m honest it’s making me not like her as a person to be able to treat this poor woman this way.

Be honest, should I butt out as she’s an adult who can decide what she wants? Should I just put it to one side as none of my concern?

He is late 30’s she is 26.

OP posts:

ExcitedForFuture · 17/10/2019 10:26

Her sex life is her business, not yours. All these people willing to ditch a good friend couldn't have liked them that much in the first place.

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 10:42

I think she is struggling with her self esteem. Having a man happy to see her and have a relationship with her, someone who is 'chosing her' instead of his DP probably is boosting som self esteem that has been decimated by the affair of own ex had (plus all the things he might have said - aka youre not good enough and there oher wmen who are beter thah you type of thinking).

It doesnt mean its right to do that (ethically) or that it wont be worse for her (because she will get dumped and will be bruised even more when he 'decides' to chose how DP to her).
But she is probably living in fairy land where everything will be great ever after.

Maybe that could he;lp you to see things from her pov?
I think I would see her as someone that is really struggling and needs support/directed towards a counsellor

diddl · 17/10/2019 10:48

" All these people willing to ditch a good friend couldn't have liked them that much in the first place."

I'm not sure it's that.

If a friend of mine did this then they wouldn't be the person that I thought they were.

redcarbluecar · 17/10/2019 10:49

It’s technically none of your business but if she’s a good friend I think you could make it clear to her that you don’t agree with what she’s doing. I struggled with a friend who had an affair with a married man - she was a bit boastful about it and after a while it became clear that I didn’t want to hear about it and didn’t approve of her justification (his wife was ill and ‘couldn’t give him a marriage’ or something like that). Still, we stayed friends and I was there for her when it ended badly.

Lovemenorca · 17/10/2019 10:53

If you do drop the friendship then it says less about your views on morality and more about how close your friendship with this person is.

If one of my very friends was having an affair with a married man, I would counsel that I don’t think it’s wise, healthy or fair and that it speaks volumes about him. However once said, I wouldn’t repeat and not for one moment would I consider ending the friendship.

Lovemenorca · 17/10/2019 10:55

If a friend of mine did this then they wouldn't be the person that I thought they were.

I doubt they ever thought they would be that kind of person.

diddl · 17/10/2019 11:04

"I doubt they ever thought they would be that kind of person."

It's pretty easy not to be though, isn't it?

ChuckleBuckles · 17/10/2019 11:07

Genuine question for the pp saying that this is none of OP's business, when this blows up in the friends face and the wife finds out, is it still none of OP's business then, will she not be expected to provide support and be a listening ear to her friend then? Or can she just shrug it off and tell friend it is "none of my business".

Genuinely curious as someone who was cheated on and wonder about those that knew, looked me in the face, chatted, laughed and joked with me and said nothing about what was unfolding as it was not their business either, yet expect me to be there for them. Just wondering about the moral and mental contortions.

Lovemenorca · 17/10/2019 11:14

It's pretty easy not to be though, isn't it?

I’ve never had an affair and the thought is utterly alien to me.
However I could never say that it would 100% never happen. And I’d it did - I would not be the person I thought I was

WheresMyIcelandJambalaya · 17/10/2019 11:26

Wow! People amaze me always.

So friend is the OW and suddenly, we are supposed to be understanding, she's hurting (Ya, because someone else was the OW in her own relationship) so it's excusable for her to be the OW in someone else's relationship. She is still a great friend.

Same scenario, different person. A random OW who apparently is no one's friend or sister or daughter, she is a bitch, twat, CF, evil, etc. Who cares if she is hurting as well or being misled? No one! We don't know her! She is the bitchiest of the bitches in the whole world and must not be given an inch! There's no excuse!

facepalm

CmdrCressidaDuck · 17/10/2019 11:27

I would probably tell her that I didn't agree with what she is doing, but I would also warn her what a vulnerable position she has put herself in.

I've seen this scenario (younger more junior female colleague, older more senior married man) play out so many times, and 95-99 times out of 100, it plays out the same way; everybody at work knows, it damages the woman's credibility significantly, the man ditches her when she becomes less interesting or his wife finds out, he gets a slap on the wrist and she gets sidelined, isolated, or just plain moved out.

Whether you stay friends with her or not is up to you and your boundaries.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 11:43

I doubt they ever thought they would be that kind of person.

Probably not, if it was a close friend of mine I wouldn't ditch them but as a friend I wouldn't lie to them and say I thought what they were doing was right either (if they asked, if they never want to speak to me about it that's fine too)

Bibidy · 17/10/2019 11:51

Be honest, should I butt out as she’s an adult who can decide what she wants? Should I just put it to one side as none of my concern?

Yes you should.

If you want to remain friends with her then you can tell her you don't want to hear about it as you think she's doing wrong, but other than that there is nothing you can do.

SnackBadger · 17/10/2019 11:58

I wouldn't want to remain friends with someone who is demonstrating their utter selfishness and lack of morals.

sableandI · 17/10/2019 14:01

I've ended a friendship over this. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this.

anniemac1 · 17/10/2019 14:10

This behaviour of your friend is very destructive to everyone else involved. However if you remain friends you are condoning/abetting something you have strong feelings about. As other people have said be prepared to lose her for a while, she probably be too involved to spend much time with you now anyway. You are not wrong, women let other women down all the time. The men seem to win either way.

AllFourOfThem · 17/10/2019 14:11

I would just quietly end the friendship and stay well out of it all.

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