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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider cutting contact with my dad for a while?

27 replies

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 19:57

I'm 27 and was always a daddy's girl until about 2 years ago when we had our first argument (fyi my parents are divorced and I lived with my mum). It was a major argument & took us weeks to make up. It really shook me as we had never fought before.

He has now had a string of angry outbursts in the last year. One included a family hol where he actually called me a b*stard & behaved badly towards other relatives. He did end up apologising soon after.

A few months ago we went on a trip, just the two of us, and it was mainly very nice. But we did have another small argument in the end due to his selfishness.

About 2 weeks ago, he had another angry outburst at a relative, causing her to burst into tears, and was using aggressive body language too which is new. I found it quite scary tbh. He said he was sorry after and that 'I just feel angry all the time.' Both his father and his friend died in the last year. I said he can't behave like this and needs to get a grip of himself or see a doctor etc. He then admitted his manager has recently warned him about 'confrontational behaviour' also.

ANYWAY, the crux of the thread: I stayed overnight with him recently. He was going on hol for 2 days and left the house before me. He showed me how to put the heating on and off twice (it's very easy & not rocket science). So 30 mins before I left I turned the heating off exactly as shown and heard it go off. Then I left. Oh and btw the heating was acting up for him the night before.

He returned from his trip today, 2 days later, and sent me an angry WhatsApp message saying the heating was on, it's all your fault, thanks for nothing etc. So I replied saying I had done exactly as instructed and he replied even more aggressively, attacking my character as well. I said I deserved an apology and he said I wasn't getting it.

I love my dad but I am sick and tired of his crappy behaviour. I am done with being treated this way as I am now always walking on eggshells wondering when he is going to lose the plot again. AIBU to just not speak to him anymore?

I just don't understand what has happened to him. I also have depression and can't deal with this.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 20:10

I would be concerned that something medical is wrong with him. I would encourage him to see his gp, but I would also distance myself because abuse like that is very traumatic.

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 20:13

I am concerned. I first raised potential mental health issues with him 2 years and his reply -> 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES' - it was the first time I'd seen him so angry.

Then 2 weeks ago after the outburst at our relative I suggested speaking to someone then.

As he refuses to apologise, I am actually not willing to reply or engage anymore at all. It's a shame as it's my birthday next week and we were all due to have a family meal. He knows I have depression and am trying my best to fight my way out of it just now.

OP posts:

user1498572889 · 16/10/2019 20:19

You should tell him that he needs to get help if he is feeling angry all the time and taking his anger out on people and that if he doesn’t you feel that you have no choice but to severely restrict the time you spend with him which you don’t want to do as you are worried about him but you feel you will have to so you can preserve your own mental health. Make sure you tell him that you love him.

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 20:19

Also curious to hear from anyone who has been through this as obviously I love my dad but I am sick of the aggressive and disrespectful behaviour. I don't see another way atm apart from NC :(

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 20:20

It may not be a mental health issue directly. It could be a form of disease that affects your mental state. He could have the beginnings of Alzheimer's. Is he taking any medication? some medications can cause outbursts of anger.

Marshmallow91 · 16/10/2019 20:29

I agree with @Aquamarine1029 - it could also be something like a tumor, or head injury he's had.

You aren't being unreasonable, but if this really is so different from his normal character, then it's maybe worth raising your concerns with him.

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 20:34

No, he doesn't have any injuries and is not taking medication.

I HAVE raised my concerns with him on multiple occasions. A gentle conversation takes place after every single outburst or tirade. Does he ever go to speak to someone? No, he doesn't. Just complains about feeling angry until the next time.

It's now got to the point where the family is just awaiting the next tirade and hails any nice, calm time spent with him as a kind of miracle. The messages he sent me today were abusive and as he refuses to apologise, I am not willing to keep coddling him with gentle conversation.

It is really sad because I love him but I have completely had enough. As I have depression I feel even more that I have to protect my wellbeing.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 20:49

If I were in your position, I think I would write him a letter. Tell him how much you love him and all of the concerns you've expressed here. Tell him that something very serious has been going on for two years now, and he needs to see a doctor to find a solution. He's not only being abusive to you, but to other family members and even his colleagues. Explain that no matter how much you love him, you will not allow self to be terrorised and abused by him, and until he gets help, he will not be seeing you.

I think a letter is your only option. Confronting him in person clearly isn't working.

EKGEMS · 16/10/2019 20:54

Aquamarine1029 Perfect solution

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 22:09

Good idea Aquamarine - or what about an email?

After his tirade on the family holiday we hashed things out over email. He accepted his behaviour is unacceptable at that time and apologised. But now he's at it again. How many times do I have to try resolving this when he is doing nothing to resolve the situation himself?

I told my mum what the messages said and she said she considers it bullying behaviour. She is on fairly good terms with him usually and it has upset her too.

OP posts:

Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 22:17

I experienced this from someone following a bereavement. It just can effect some people that way- after about a year or something after losing his mum, he snapped out of it.

I agree that I would have little patience with someone who didn't seek help, especially if others have also raised concerns. If his manager has mentioned it, his job is at risk due to his behaviour.

Perhaps you could say you're going to keep your distance until he's sought help from a doctor etc?

In general, just steer clear. Eventually he'll hopefully come out of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 22:19

If an email works for you, that's fine. I would reach out once, no more, and leave it to him. He's the only one who can decide to get help.

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 22:20

Well all of this began a year before anyone died or was even ill. So this has actually been going on for 3 years but spiralled out of control in the last year.

Ok tell me this: why should I even reply to his last abusive message where he attacked me and then ended with 'I will not apologise!!!' ?

OP posts:

fikel · 16/10/2019 22:21

If this is out of character I definitely think he needs to go to the GP for a complete check over. I don’t want to sound alarmist but Alzheimer’s can present in this way

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 22:28

He's an adult man. He knows he has a problem but is doing nothing about it. I can't drag him kicking and screaming to a doctor's office.

He is only 55, is that not a bit young for Alzheimers? No history of it in the family and he has a great memory, but I suppose it is a possibility.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 22:42

@KateMcd

Sadly, he is not too young for early onset Alzheimer's. I know 2 people who suffer from this. One was diagnosed at 48 and died 7 years later, the other is the husband of my mum's very close friend. He was diagnosed at 54, and in both cases, unexplained anger outbursts were one of the first signs. The sufferer gets confused and then lashes out in anger because they are so confused. Neither one had a family history. Chances are, your dad doesn't have Alzheimer's, but something is clearly going on. He needs to get help.

CSIblonde · 16/10/2019 22:53

If it predates the recent bereavements & you can track it back to starting 3years ago, did anything else happen 3years ago? Anger always has a source or reason. Any illness , redundancy, £ probs relocation, addiction, breakup or other family issue? Did he have a crappy childhood? Has he been forgetful & had a noticeable personality change. My Dads brain tumour made him highly aggressive & paranoid when I look back. He accused me out of the blue of 'hiding' my babysitting £ when we were financially fine & normally he was just happy I had built a 'syndicate' of regulars: nice parents who were all friends/local. I think as pp said, a letter being supportive & asking him to see his GP or you will be limiting contact as , as the anger sounds like it's getting worse & is bordering on turning physical too (the incident with another relative).

GettingABitDesperateNow · 16/10/2019 22:58

I agree a letter is a good way forward. I would offer to go to the doctors with him for moral support and to make sure he doesnt fob them off (eg I've been a little irritable when it's more than that). If possible could you actually book him an appointment and say I've got you an appointment on x date and will come with you, or would that make him more angry? Otherwise you could actually go and see his GP on his behalf, go through it all with them, and then they could call him in for a check up or something

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 23:00

YES, he had a crap childhood. He had a very difficult relationship with his own dad growing up (due to anger and violent behaviour!). He is estranged from his sister and everything has kicked off since his dad died last year. Lots of stressful BS going on.

Everyone is trying to help him out and then he lashes out angrily. We are getting sick of being supportive and helping, only to be treated in such disrespectful ways.

OP posts:

JLo1979 · 16/10/2019 23:05

Agree with @Aquamarine1029. My mil has dementia and has gone from being a very gentle woman to very aggressive. This was the first sign.

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 23:22

My grandmother has severe dementia. She hasn't really suffered from aggressiveness at all, I suppose everyone is different.

I think am basically going to say 'I hope you will consider going to a doctor to deal with your constant anger, as you yourself described it. If you cannot see why I am due an apology and if you think that it is fine to attack me in this way, then I think it will be best to limit contact from now on.'

What else can I do?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 23:29

If you cannot see why I am due an apology and if you think that it is fine to attack me in this way, then I think it will be best to limit contact from now on.

I'm sorry op, but I think this is the TOTALLY wrong approach. He already knows he should apologise, even though he won't admit it, and attacking him this way will only make him dig his heels in even harder and become defensive. Let him know his behaviour is unacceptable, but swallow your ego and forget about an apology because that should NOT be your goal. Your motivation should only be to get him to seek treatment and help from a doctor.

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 23:33

I am sorry Aquamarine, but I disagree. I am going to encourage him to seek help, but I am not going to allow him to treat me like this.

I know you are trying to help but I have been really disrespected and attacked today. I think I need to show I am serious about limiting contact and follow through otherwise he will continue as he is and not seek help...

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 23:39

When did I say you should allow him to treat you this way? I advised the exact opposite. You can still tell him you are limiting/ceasing contact without demanding an apology you will not get. Your father is in a very serious situation, whether it be mental illness or other disease, and if you really want him to seek help, you need to play to the positive by letting him know you love him, you care, but yes, you won't tolerate abuse. Is demanding an apology from a man who is clearly in crisis/unwell really the hill you want to die on?

Original poster

KateMcd · 16/10/2019 23:45

I think I have just reached the end of my tether. This has been going on for three years and I have watched him treat close relatives with contempt and aggression - usually women I might add.

Now he is treating me the same way. I am also in crisis. I had a mental breakdown this year. The GP recently diagnosed me with depression. Do I ever speak to relatives as aggressively or nastily as he has to me? No I don't.

Ok, I will not demand an apology but I will say that we will need to look at limited contact. I will not be attacked or regularly reduced to tears. He needs to see a doctor at get to the bottom of what is going on, whether physical or mental.

OP posts:

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