To Think that 26 detentions in the space of 6 weeks at school [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Mortifiedmummy12]

I find it awful however DCs dad doesn’t think so (we are separated). Made this to prove how bad it actually is. Anyone else’s children (secondary school age ) managed to get this or is it ABNORMAL ( it definitely is) but apparently it’s normal. How many detentions have your kids have in the space of 6 weeks. Only been in 6 weeks as Dc was ill for the first week and a bit. Please help me prove to my ex that our DC is out of order.

There may be more to it than bad behaviour, or it may just be bad behaviour. I have taught students where there was no indication of SEND at all, either historically or as far as current staff were concerned. It was just low level pissing about. But it’s highly disruptive to others and, where that is the case, the detentions are justified.

My DC are in Yr7 & Yr8. Their school has a ‘silent corridor’ policy. Speak and it’s detention .
There is a one-way system round the school, go the wrong way - it’s detention.
Walk in single file - deviate from the line - detention.
Forget your green pen - detention.
Wriggle on your chair - detention. My younger DC has diagnosed ADHD and is on medication for it. He has had a detention almost every day for the past month.

For anyone posting, the point of this thread is just to point out to my ex that many kids have 1 detention so he can support me not to ‘troll’ or whatever I’m being accused of

I'm a teacher it sounds like missing homework and poor behaviour in each lesson. Definitely need to go into school and discuss. Sing from the same hymn sheet as school so he gets consistent messages good luck. Ps. Teachers children can be little shits too (my son) so we do understand!!!

It's worth pointing out though that the schools seems to be failing you. They should have contacted you WAY in advance before letting it get so bad, and explain what issues need addressing, so you could have a chat with the child about the behaviour yourself. Have you had no contact from the school? Usually they'd arrange a meeting, write formally or something.

Have you pointed out to your ex that the end of this road is exclusion?

Does your DS realise that?

I what way was he unsupportive at the meeting?

I hesitate to say it but from personal experience - was the member of staff you met with female? Would he react better to a meeting with a male member of staff?

I'd request a meeting but warn the school in advance that ex is a twat, try to work with them to get him on side.

Also, it is the school's responsibility to ensure Dad is mutually involved and informed with processes, not yours.

It is a major problem and I'm suprised that school haven't escalated the sanctions or called you in already. Something is clearly not working for him for whatever reason, and the nature of that needs investigating.

The majority of students will get through secondary education with barely a handful of detentions, many of them with none. The majority of detentions are issued frequently to a core group of repeat "offenders".

Unfortunately Ex's attitude won't be helping the situation if he's sending signals that this is OK. With or without him, you need to try to work constructively with school to settle things down.

What is he doing to earn those behaviour detentions?

Most Year 9s are absolute twats. It's inherent in teenage DNA that all but the most perfect (who become twats at a later point, sometimes University) or the utter nightmares from Year 7 and 8, reach Peak Twatness in Year 9.

Usually, they begin to sort themselves out towards Christmas of Year 10, a few carry on until the start of Year 11 and suddenly realise 'shit! I've got GCSEs' and get on with being a reasonable human being. A very small minority carry on being twats in Year 11 and sort themselves out when they're doing resits at college instead.

To be honest, if his father isn't supportive, I'd not bother with him, as all he's doing is undermining you and the staff (are they largely female, by any chance?).

If there was an underlying cause (such as his father being a dick, friendship issues, etc), I'd want to find out, but it could be that he's got that hormone peak just as his mates are also like it, but he's the most obvious offender where they have the sense to not be so visibly twatty.

What's worked with a lot of kids is to ask them if it's really worth the effort to argue/answer back/talk when you've been told to work in silence, etc. It's just not worth it for a lot of them and they chill out a bit.

@Mortifiedmummy12 whos trolling you? From what ive read its all quite constructive criticism

If this thread is about changing your Ex's behaviour, then I don't reckon you can do that. YABU to waste energy on that.

Focus on the things you can do, the bits you can influence.
Does your DC enjoy getting attention, bad boy rep, for all these detentions? Is it his way of protesting against a whole environment he hates? Figure out what he gets as benefit form it all.

@CAG12 further behind in the thread, someone accused me of being some sort of detention troll or whatever.

Ds1 got 2 detentions in whole of secondary (forgotten equipment and forgotten homework) .

Dd is in y12 and never had a detention.

Ds2 is in y9 and has had 1 detention for forgotten homework and 1 detention for sleeping in class.

What are the reasons for the detentions? Forgotten homework is very different to fighting.

To give you an idea, I've not issued a single detention after school at all this year for any year group. I've done a couple of break ones for late homework.
That's out of 150-200 students I teach.

The children in my school who have as many detentions as your son are already on report, being watched by senior leadership, have been in isolation or have had parental meetings

Sadly, if his father isn't supportive and seems to think bad behaviour is normal then you're going to be having a battle this year with school and at home because your son will probably decide that dad is cool and chilled out, but mum nags

I'm a teacher. Things tend to go a bit haywire in year 9 - hormones, friendships, relationships, pushing boundaries... it's entirely possible that he will pull himself back together over the year.

However 26 detentions in 6 weeks is really, really high. I can think of maybe a couple of children in our school at that kind of level already but they are very challenging absolute nightmare pupils, known to every staff member in the school, whether you teach them or not.

YANBU to be worried and your ex needs to get on board.

But the parents were hauled in for a chat in Year 8, Holly. Things have clearly been very wrong for a long time.

I would read the school's behaviour policy.

There will be a series of steps or warnings for lesser issues that build up to a detention.

If he has 26 detentions then he may have over 70 warnings?

Generally to get a detention there will have been two previous warnings, sometimes 3. It varies from school to school but many use 2 warnings first.

If he has 26 warnings then he is repeating poor behaviour again and again.

If he has 26 detentions then this is a major issue and moving towards exclusions.

Speak to school about any patterns. The subject, sex of teacher, if it involves others and the time of day. What record of warnings do the teachers have generally? Is he rude? showing off? late? disruptive?
Does he need moving into another group, does he need nuture, does he need a mentor, does he need to report to the HOY after every lesson?
I would be extremely worried .

Mostly for messing around I think

You think?

There needs to be better communication here. You need to know exactly what he's doing so you can address it at home, and, like a PP said, spot any patterns and address it at home and school.

It may be worth shifting your language then OP when you're talking to him and his dad.

Messing around sounds like "kids will be kids", not doing that much really. It's minimising language.

Call it what it actually is: defiance and persistently disruptive behaviour.

Behind each detention there's warnings.
Behind most warnings there's hints and redirects from the teacher.
Behind every detention your child has been given he has actively ignored instructions from staff who are not only trying to educate him, but 29 other children who deserve an education free from one child disproportionately taking the teacher's time.
Consider how many times the teachers will have had to stop the lesson input for his behaviour, how many times they've had to stop support children who need help to deal with his behaviour, how many times they've lost their train of thought due to also making a mental decision about whether it's worth challenging now or raising later.
Think about the child with SEND who was going to have 10 mins with the teacher, but now only gets 4 minutes of half attention because teacher has to keep stopping to check your son isn't pratting about. Or the child who has completed their work and needs the extension task setting but they have to wait a bit whilst the teacher has to repeat simple instructions to your child for the 5th time.

Most learning time isn't lost or wasted due to large incidents. Most learning time is lost because some students thing their own entertainment, own conversations, own silly stunts, own staring into space and so on is more important and worthy of attention than the educational needs of 29 other children.

I'm not having a go at you OP. I'm pointing out how it probably needs putting to your son and his dad who seem to think that this is no big deal because ultimately if he wants to throw his own education away then that's one thing, but his actions right now are stopping 29 other kids learning and he has no right to decide his stupid behaviour is more important than their learning

No one has yet mentioned this, but could this be attention seeking?
Or trying to play mum off against dad?
If so it seems to be working in both cases.
In 34 years of teaching I have seen all sorts of behaviour, but unless there is another problem that you have not mentioned, either here or to the school, then he ought to be able to control himself if he card to. So, if he isn't controlling himself there is an underlying reason for it, which needs to be winkled out.
Incidentally, 26 DTs in 6 weeks? The school has done F all about it? The Head of Year and his form teacher should be shot for not coming up with a plan and getting you onside with it.
Now for the controversial bit, what about telling him you think he must have a problem and suggesting a visit to the doctor to talk it through? Or would he rather tell you about it? (I'll fetch my coat and steel helmet...)

I would ask your ex @Mortifiedmummy12 if he feels your DS is happy having 26 detentions. Doesn't your ex want better for his son? It's in no way normal. [My kids (Yr9 and yr11) have never had a detention.]

I wonder if your relationship with your ex is such that he is using this issue as some sort of battle ground with you - do you have a cordial relationship usually?

I also wonder if your ex had a similar experience at school and that's why he thinks this is normal...

Perhaps he should think about how he can improve the school years his son has left, so he can get a good education behind him and fulfil his potential. That is being an effective parent, getting the best outcome for DS. Not disagreeing with you/school.

@LolaSmiles, you are of course right, but the sad fact is a/ he won't give a shit about the other 29 kids, they never do.
b/ he won't right now be giving a shit about his or anyone else's education.

His problem is deeper seated and his selfishness is probably something he doesn't even see. Telling him about it might sink in, for about 5 seconds.

You need to talk to the school (without his father if necessary). Find out exactly why he is getting these detentions. And discuss what steps are going to be put in place to improve things. This could include the school seeing if there is any SEN.
Ideally they would talk to you and then have a joint session with your DS. You DS needs to take ownership, but he also needs adults to be supporting him.

Ideally you will get SMART targets set Specific Measurable Achievable Relevant and have a Time associated with them
If his Father doesn't see a problem then he is a large part of the problem, but you need your son to see that it is him who will have to deal with the consequences of his behaviour ultimately.

...the number of times I have seen a kid playing one ex off against the other, or a parent off against a step parent.
Kids are master manipulators. You should see one of my grandaughters!
(Or rather you shouldn't it'd give you nightmares!)