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Original poster

To not know what to say to the nursery staff

40 replies

Confusedddd · 16/10/2019 19:08

So DS is nearly two and has been in nursery for nearly a year now all been ok no problems. Recently however when I pick him up (3 occasions in two weeks) they have told me that he has “misbehaved” and had to be reminded of the rules when I ask for more detail they said “throwing things” or being “hands on not hitting but hands on” I obviously don’t encourage this behaviour at home but what do they expect me to say ? Isn’t this in some part normal toddler behaviour ? I just find it strange the way they say it and then give me a look and go silent waiting for me to say something ?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 16/10/2019 19:09

I’ve had the same experience with my childminder lately; I have no idea if I’m supposed to apologise or what the right response is so I tend to just say that we’ll keep an eye on it at home and make sure we’re all addressing it in the same way.

zafferana · 16/10/2019 19:11

I think I'd ask for clarification like 'Do you mean pushing and shoving?'. Thing is, with a two year old that's pretty run of the mill IMO! Little kids push, shove, bite, hit, throw stuff - that's what toddlers do - but you could always say 'Yes, we're working on that', or 'Okay, thanks for letting me know'.

LoyaltyBonus · 16/10/2019 19:14

TBH I found this frustrating even once they'd started school. Yes of course I'll talk to them and support any action the school feels appropriate but at that age, really unless it's immediate it's not going to have any effect. So, unless you want me to sit in class with them, what really am I expected to do?

spice3 · 16/10/2019 19:19

I think it depends on the way they say it.

One of my son's nursery staff used to say it in the way you described - it'd make me feel patronised and on the spot and like I was being blamed for (as a PP said) typical 2yo behaviour. I wouldn't have a clue how to respond but she'd stand there and seemingly wait.

She's left now.

They'll still tell me if he's been misbehaved but now the way they say it in a way that it's just to let me know/include me and it feels just like everyone's in it with the best intentions (if that makes sense).

Insieme · 16/10/2019 19:26

I'm a reception teacher, and I'll confess I fairly often say something like this to parents. The reason why though is definitely not that I think they should apologise!

In general, we are told that nothing we say to parents at a parents' evening should be a complete surprise to them. In other words, I should be keeping parents up to date regularly with how things are going, and if I say "X has been getting very physical with his classmates", the parents shouldn't be able to say "Why haven't you mentioned this before?"!

Perhaps more importantly, I'm hoping the parents might tell me if there is something their child might be worried or stressed about that might be causing this behaviour: a new sibling, illness in the family, something bothering them at school or home.

If there's no particular reason, then most parents will just nod and say they'll keep an eye on the child. That's all that I want really. Occasionally someone says thanks for noticing X has a problem, or thanks for letting them know. But as I said, it's part of the job to keep parents in the picture.

handbagsatdawn33 · 16/10/2019 19:31

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but surely "bad behaviour" should be handled when it happens - in this instance by the nursery staff.

Camomila · 16/10/2019 19:32

I used to work in a preschool so I've been on both sides of this.
I ask for more information and then work on whatever it is at home with DS.
DS is older, 3.5, so I say things like 'remember to use your inside voice at nursery too' etc but I don't think a 2 year old would remember/make the connection.

It doesn't work with everything though, its hard to replicate group time at home!

Pinkblueberry · 16/10/2019 19:33

Isn’t this in some part normal toddler behaviour ? I just find it strange the way they say it and then give me a look and go silent waiting for me to say something ?

Is your DC stood with you when this is said? If my childminder says something like that I turn to my DS and say ‘oh no that’s not good to hear...’ and make a displeased face or something along those lines. Yes it’s normal toddler behaviour - but that doesn’t mean you just let it slide, it still needs correcting.

RolytheRhino · 16/10/2019 19:34

'Oh dear. Thanks for letting me know.'

Or

'Oh well, toddlers will be toddlers,' and a tinkly laugh.

Depending on how irritated you are.

Aragog · 16/10/2019 19:38

At school we do tell parents this kind of thing but it's not for them to do anything as such. We will also tell them how we handled it. It's just so they are informed and know about it. Schools get complaints if they don't keep parents in the loop so it's best, we find, to let parents know if there's been an issue.
If it is something that continues or is more serious we do hope parents will also talk with their child too just so the child knows school and home are on the same page - it really can help for some children.

However, with a 1yo, or any toddler age, it's not going to work talking to the child later. Maybe they are just wanting to let you know.

GleamInYourEyes · 16/10/2019 19:41

They're just informing you! Don't you want to know how he's been? If you only want to be told about positive stuff then maybe tell them that Confused

yellowallpaper · 16/10/2019 19:48

They need to keep you informed and aware of your toddlers behaviour. Not all toddlers push and shove others, and I think you may have felt differently if your toddler had been pushed over by another child.

I don't think you need to be too bothered though, just something to keep an eye on and nip in the bud if it's getting out of hand.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 16/10/2019 19:49

Do you not want to know?

slipperywhensparticus · 16/10/2019 19:51

Ask them how they are dealing with it

missyB1 · 16/10/2019 19:57

It’s not because they want to make you squirm or upset you. And they certainly don’t want an apology from you!
They are informing you that your child is pushing the boundaries and being challenging at the moment. They want you to look out for the same behaviour at home and be on top of it. They want your support.

And yes they will have addressed it at the time, but repeated difficult behaviour especially if directed at other children does need to be communicated to the parent.

Oysterbabe · 16/10/2019 20:02

I had similar the other day. They said DS gets quite emotional and sometimes hits other children if they try and interfere with what he's doing. I assume they were looking for more than 'He's 1?' Obviously if he did that while I was there I would intervene but not much I can do later, it's not like he'll get it if I talk to him about it.

Jinxed2 · 16/10/2019 20:04

I work in a pre school and we only tell parents positive things at pick up time.

Tartsamazeballs · 16/10/2019 20:09

Surely if he's throwing stuff then they shouldn't stop him but give him a channel to explore it (eg throwing beanbags into a bucket, a clapping game with another kid if he wants to be tactile). Throwing in particular is a schema that the kid needs to explore.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 16/10/2019 20:15

I would ask when he tends to do this 'bad behaviour' eg is it when hes tired or hungry or when another child has his favourite toy etc and what do they do when he does it. Unless he has siblings its going to be unlikely he does he same at home anyway but you can always say you'll keep an eye out when he is playing with friends etc and make sure you reinforce the message in the same way as they do. You could always just ask if there is anything else they think you should be doing or they would like you to do and see what they say. With my first I didnt really have any experience of children and before she made friends and we hung about with others sometimes I'd ask, if that behaviour (that they were telling me about) was normal for her age or if I should be worried

june2007 · 16/10/2019 20:17

I would find out what the nursery do when said toddler throws so that you can both work on promoting the positive behaviours.

saraclara · 16/10/2019 20:21

Seriously, you absolutely should be told of issues as they arise. Parents and nursery staff need to work together when new behaviours appear. I don't know why you didn't know what to say.

Some suggestions:
"Oh, that's not good
When do these behaviours arise?
Is he like this at particular times of day?
What do you do when this happens?
Do you have any suggestions about how to address this?
Could you make a note when this happens so that were aware of the frequency and what might be setting him off?
Is there a particular child that he's doing this to?
We'll certainly keep an eye out for this behaviour and work on it with you"

Frlrlrubert · 16/10/2019 20:25

I think they're just informing you. I usually just go with 'we'll keep an eye out at home'.

Sometimes 'she's never done that before... we'll keep an eye out' (the one time she bit someone, this weeks 'spitting' which I think might have been blowing raspberries actually).

Sometimes 'yeah, she did that the other day, we dealt with it by...' (the sand eating phase).

dogcrazy · 16/10/2019 20:27

It doesn’t end when they go to school either. I’m told DS can’t sit still or pay attention every pick up. There’s nothing I can do except apologise, as I have been for 2 years!

MissPepper8 · 16/10/2019 20:30

My DC has been doing this, not long ago turned two, always thrown stuff but the pushing when he wants stuff (with cousins).

You're not alone, I don't know what to do (I've started saying, "we don't push, why don't we cuddle instead" as they're cousins or "we mustnt push, be gentle") but I've witnessed this and not had anything said in nursery. In fact I think this has started since nursery.

Personally I would maybe say to them "I'm sorry about that, do you have any tips to stop this kind of play?". Other than that, Does he have any cousins his age? Or do you have friends to set up a play date? Take him to soft play so if you witness it you can try teach him.

missyB1 · 16/10/2019 20:34

Part and parcel of being a parent is being prepared to be told about issues. It’s no good only expecting to be told that they are a little angel! Ask the staff how they address it and whether you have ever witnessed similar behaviour at home or out and about, and discuss the strategies you use.

Jinxed2 At pick up we tell parents how their child’s day has gone, if anything negative happened that we think they need to know about we inform them. There will of course be positive things to say too.