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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow ex-partner details about pregnancy until baby is born?

51 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 18:12

Just want to know if I'm being unreasonable here.

My ex-boyfriend left me when I was nine weeks pregnant and I am now 13 weeks. I work from home, live an hour from family and don't have any friends local due to moving, and so I'm alone a lot. He completely blocked me on everything after the breakup and I had no way to contact him. I did email, but no response. He also was not happy about the pregnancy, wanted me to get an abortion.

After a week, we met up and I asked if we could try again, he slept with me, me being a fool thinking all was going to be okay, and then he ghosted me again afterwards. I hadn't spoken to him for almost three weeks as he once again blocked me on everything.

I assumed I would be doing the pregnancy alone and actually started coming to terms with it, didn't bother trying to contact him, thinking he was out of the picture.

I went to my 12 week scan and saw my baby, healthy and happy, moving around like crazy! I was so happy and had my mum there with me who was made up for me. And so, I decided to announce my pregnancy on Facebook!

It was a great day because everyone was so lovely and supportive, and I was expecting judgement.

Then, out of the blue, my ex's mum, who had also deleted me on everything and had posted some not so nice stuff about me online, contacted me asking to meet up. I didn't agree, but we spoke a bit and she wanted to be involved with the baby and said the son did too - and that she had no idea I was keeping it (???) which is why she deleted me on Facebook.

That night, I had a bleed and period like cramps and my doctor told me I needed to go to the hospital, the nearest of which is half an hour away. Nobody could take me and I couldn't afford a taxi there and back, and so I contacted his mum and said look, I don't want to ask anything of you, but could one of you please take me to the hospital because this has happened.

Shockingly, my ex turned up and took me to the hospital. He was so nice to me, holding my hand, hugging me, even kissed me and me again desperate to have a family thought this was a good sign, forgave him, cut him some scan pictures the following morning, requested a scan at the hospital (everything was fine luckily) just so he could see baby, informed him of everything so far. He then came over the following evening to spend some time with me, just the evening to watch a movie, and we also had sex. Again, me being a total idiot thought maybe everything is okay.

Anyway, the next day he was supposed to come and pick some scan pictures up for him and his family because he had forgotten them at my house. He never showed, and has again ghosted me since.

I know I've been an idiot, but would I be unreasonable to not have anything to do with him until baby is born? I don't want to be nasty or anything and I want my baby to have a relationship with him, but all of this messing around is really affecting me, thinking one thing and then the other, being let down and ignored even after I forgave him and tried to have him involved.

I feel it would just be easier to just cut him out for the next 6 months and say I will contact him when baby is here. I want to be able to move on in this time and have a stress-free pregnancy. But is that a horrible thing to do? Please tell me the truth.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 16/10/2019 18:15

No it's not horrible, he doesnt deserve to be involved

BraveGoldie · 16/10/2019 18:17

Agree - you have no obligation to keep in touch through your pregnancy....

Congratulations on your baby. 😊

betternamepending · 16/10/2019 18:18

I know I've been an idiot, but would I be unreasonable to not have anything to do with him until baby is born?

Yes it would be unreasonable. The most reasonable thing is to not contact him ever again. Why would you have him have contact with the baby so he can start ghosting them and hurting their feelings all the time?

MrsBertBibby · 16/10/2019 18:20

Yep, keep well away from him.

GabriellaMontez · 16/10/2019 18:21

Look after yourself. Have nothing to do with him. You owe him nothing.

Applesanbananas · 16/10/2019 18:21

yanbu. He is horrible to keep doing this but you are allowing him at the same time. He is clearly using you for sex because he always disappears straight after. you dont owe him anything until the baby is here. take care of yourself and focus on the baby. You dont want to spend this precious time wasting it on being used and rejected by him.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 18:23

Thanks everyone, I know I've been silly sleeping with him but as everything is so fresh I was just holding out to see if I could keep a 'family' together but I realise now that it's never going to happen and just want to look after me and my baby. I will write something up to send over and explain.

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 16/10/2019 18:25

Good god, you actually need to ask? And are in some kind of dilemma about being "nasty"?

Why is it this waste of space is someone you want in this child's life? How much catastrophic damage do you think he would do to a child dropping in and out of their life like this? (A LOT). Why do you want that for them? For yourself?

It's scary. Do you want that because you've considered whether it would be in their best interests or because you're still harbouring fantasies of the perfect family unit?

Please consider getting some counselling to figure out why you accept people treating you so badly. Have you always been so desperate to please people?

And then do the Freedom Programme to learn what healthy relationships look like so you can properly recover and rebuild: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Crabonastick · 16/10/2019 18:25

Is there a reason you live an hour away from family? I’m just wondering if you moved to be closer to him. It might be an idea to move closer to your family (if you’re close and they’re supportive) before the baby is born, as otherwise he could potentially block you from moving x

Mintjulia · 16/10/2019 18:25

Block both of them. Send him an email when the baby is born.
You owe him absolutely nothing.

Windydaysuponus · 16/10/2019 18:28

You were bleeding and he had sex with you? Would be questioning his motives for that op...
He isn't to be trusted imo.

quincejamplease · 16/10/2019 18:28

Hang on, don't go sending them some passive essay explaining yourself and preemptively apologising for seeming mean. It will only aggravate the situation and is unnecessary - you've already been cut off, remember?

Just don't communicate anymore.

You owe them nothing.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 18:29

@quincejamplease The reason I want him to be involved is because my dad abandoned me when I was younger and I think I just remember how much it hurt and want to do everything for my baby to make sure it doesn't happen to them, that's why I'm feeling guilty.

And @crabonastick The reason I moved is to be closer to work, because I planned to go back into the office but I have a chronic illness and after a few goes at the journey just couldn't hack it so stayed working from home. I am going to move closer to my family ASAP, trying to get out of my contract currently and save up for a deposit for a place close, but it won't be for a few months yet!

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 16/10/2019 18:29

I think you will need this in the months to come: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 18:30

So it wouldn't be bad to just cut all contact now, with no explanation? @quincejamplease x

OP posts:
hertsnessex · 16/10/2019 18:31

You bled and had sex with him a day later?

I would be getting myself some counselling to be honest as it seems you have very low self esteem for allowing him to treat you like this.

RolyHappyNorrieTagBetty · 16/10/2019 18:32

Don't tell him anything until baby is born and please, please don't put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 18:32

I do, I was in a long-term relationship for six years beforehand and wasn't treated very well, ended up being cheated on and left for another woman. I'm quite insecure since then/ @hertsnessex

OP posts:
summersherewishiwasnt · 16/10/2019 18:32

I think you have been a very forgiving woman, trying to save your relationship for your child’s sake. However, please don’t ignore his messages to you. I’m talking about the non verbal ones. Sleeping with you, leading you on then dropping you. Im certain you won’t want to catch a nasty sti from this horrible immature prick would you? Do not put yourself and your child at risk.
When the baby is born announce load and proud, let him do the rest. Yanbu to cut him out for now in order to maintain your own mental health.

quincejamplease · 16/10/2019 18:35

I'm sorry for what you went through over your dad.

Can you see though that what your ex has done to you will happen to a baby and that child will experience the sense of abandonment you had over and over? Clinging into this guy won't undo what happened to you either.

Other people's actions are beyond your control and not yours to feel guilty for.

Do you have stable relationships with family members who will play a role in your child's life?

Focus on what you can build that will be loving, stable and secure.

Redred2429 · 16/10/2019 18:36

I don't think you are being unreasonable you need to look after yourself and the baby right now and don't need the stress! Congratulations as well op 💐

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 18:38

@quincejamplease Thank you.

You're right. I've got to protect my baby.

I have a great relationship with my mum and a loving step-dad, a brilliant sister who's very excited for me and my two best friends are looking out for me to (one who will live close by when I move).

I've also chatted two a couple of other old friends about meeting up just to keep myself busy.

I'm also VERY fortunate to have a very understanding employer.

OP posts:
HuggedTree · 16/10/2019 19:03

OP, I remember your previous thread where you were tying to decide whether to meet up with the mother or not, who had been abusive to you publicly. Any man who has sex with a woman who has just had a pregnancy bleed is just wrong. He knew you would agree to try and keep the relationship.

Block all of them as they blocked you. Do not tell him anymore information. Give the baby your name and look into some counselling or self esteem work.

You are awesome and brave and can do this

CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/10/2019 19:04

I think that he has a right to be a father,but that doesn't mean that you have to see him until such time. It's your body and no one can make you see him.

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/10/2019 19:05

OP, my DD(9) has not been in her life since she was a few days old. No contact at all.
She is mildly curious at times but feels no sense of abandonment because she has never met him.
I strongly urge you to cut contact. He will be in and out of her life and that is far, far worse, IMO.
Agree with PP--do not put on the BC or give baby his last name. If you do, you'd need his permission to get baby a passport, travel abroad. No doubt other things too.