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Original poster

To not allow ex-partner details about pregnancy until baby is born?

51 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 18:12

Just want to know if I'm being unreasonable here.

My ex-boyfriend left me when I was nine weeks pregnant and I am now 13 weeks. I work from home, live an hour from family and don't have any friends local due to moving, and so I'm alone a lot. He completely blocked me on everything after the breakup and I had no way to contact him. I did email, but no response. He also was not happy about the pregnancy, wanted me to get an abortion.

After a week, we met up and I asked if we could try again, he slept with me, me being a fool thinking all was going to be okay, and then he ghosted me again afterwards. I hadn't spoken to him for almost three weeks as he once again blocked me on everything.

I assumed I would be doing the pregnancy alone and actually started coming to terms with it, didn't bother trying to contact him, thinking he was out of the picture.

I went to my 12 week scan and saw my baby, healthy and happy, moving around like crazy! I was so happy and had my mum there with me who was made up for me. And so, I decided to announce my pregnancy on Facebook!

It was a great day because everyone was so lovely and supportive, and I was expecting judgement.

Then, out of the blue, my ex's mum, who had also deleted me on everything and had posted some not so nice stuff about me online, contacted me asking to meet up. I didn't agree, but we spoke a bit and she wanted to be involved with the baby and said the son did too - and that she had no idea I was keeping it (???) which is why she deleted me on Facebook.

That night, I had a bleed and period like cramps and my doctor told me I needed to go to the hospital, the nearest of which is half an hour away. Nobody could take me and I couldn't afford a taxi there and back, and so I contacted his mum and said look, I don't want to ask anything of you, but could one of you please take me to the hospital because this has happened.

Shockingly, my ex turned up and took me to the hospital. He was so nice to me, holding my hand, hugging me, even kissed me and me again desperate to have a family thought this was a good sign, forgave him, cut him some scan pictures the following morning, requested a scan at the hospital (everything was fine luckily) just so he could see baby, informed him of everything so far. He then came over the following evening to spend some time with me, just the evening to watch a movie, and we also had sex. Again, me being a total idiot thought maybe everything is okay.

Anyway, the next day he was supposed to come and pick some scan pictures up for him and his family because he had forgotten them at my house. He never showed, and has again ghosted me since.

I know I've been an idiot, but would I be unreasonable to not have anything to do with him until baby is born? I don't want to be nasty or anything and I want my baby to have a relationship with him, but all of this messing around is really affecting me, thinking one thing and then the other, being let down and ignored even after I forgave him and tried to have him involved.

I feel it would just be easier to just cut him out for the next 6 months and say I will contact him when baby is here. I want to be able to move on in this time and have a stress-free pregnancy. But is that a horrible thing to do? Please tell me the truth.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 16/10/2019 19:05

*DD's father

GabriellaMontez · 16/10/2019 20:13

No you don't need to explain yourself to these people. Just stop any further contact. No more messages.

EC22 · 16/10/2019 20:17

I’d block the lot of them. Move closer to your support network and never look back.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 16/10/2019 20:19

Personally I wouldn’t have had sex with anyone the day after bleeding/having a scare.

I bled/thought I was miscarrying at 7 weeks and waited at least a week before having sex again. Were you not given that advice at the hospital?

He sounds terrible and you deserve better

DulciUke · 16/10/2019 20:30

He's proven himself (repeatedly) to be a twat, OP. Please don't try to involve him in your child's life.

NearlyGranny · 16/10/2019 20:37

Your ex has form for flitting in and out of your life, all keen and then ghosting you. You can be pretty sure he will be the same with the child.

No father is better than an unreliable one who builds you up and lets you down. Then you can draft in male role models who can fill any gaps superbly.

holidays987 · 16/10/2019 20:41

You need to be stronger and stop going back to him when he shows up and pretends he's interested. Don't sleep with him again. It's early days both in your pregnancy and breakup but you really do need to put yourself & baby first now. He clearly won't be making either of you a priority.

Don't contact him. If you want to let him know once baby is born that is fine. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

raspberryk · 16/10/2019 20:43

Some people being a bit judgemental about the bleeding, I would never have had sex if I waited a week after any bleeding. I was told it was nothing serious and to carry on as normal.

HeyNotInMyName · 16/10/2019 20:46

So it wouldn't be bad to just cut all contact now, with no explanation?

No it wouldn’t be bad. It would actually be a good thing!
Don’t worry about him, the ex mother etc... just do whatever is best for YOU and for your baby.

Lllot5 · 16/10/2019 20:47

Don’t contact him or his family. Block him on everything.
Don’t give the baby his surname and don’t put him in the birth certificate. Fuck him.

TheFaerieQueene · 16/10/2019 20:47

Please don’t give your DC his surname. He will push for this, but don’t allow it.

Witchinaditch · 16/10/2019 20:47

You don’t need to explain anything to him, just notify him when the baby is born, give the baby your name though on the birth cert! All the stress he is bringing to your door is not good for the baby at all so I think for your mental health and for the health of your baby you must cut him out. Good luck Op

stucknoue · 16/10/2019 20:52

It not unreasonable but an email/text monthly to him and his mum (who sounds like she does want to be involved) keeps communication open, and your options. But please do not sleep with him, coparenting is possible though

DoctorAllcome · 16/10/2019 20:53

You don’t need the emotional roller coaster of contact and then a week of silence. It’s too too stressful you and the baby. I think YANBU to cut contact for the rest of the pregnancy. If you do make contact after birth, make clear that you that you expect him/his mother/whoever to respond to you within a reasonable time, keep agreed meet-ups or timely cancel with you..........in short all basic courtesy otherwise there can be no relationship between them and your DC.

DoctorAllcome · 16/10/2019 20:56

don’t put him in the birth certificate

Would that let him off the hook for child maintenace? (It would in US, don’t know about U.K.).

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 16/10/2019 20:58

@doctorallcome I'm really not bothered about the child maintenance. He doesn't earn very much and I would get about £80 a month. It's not worth it to be honest.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 16/10/2019 20:59

I'd suggest counseling with a therapist to help understand your relationship issues and lack of boundaries. You will need to be assertive and confident to raise a happy and healthy baby. Good luck

Userzzzzz · 16/10/2019 20:59

You don’t need him. He’ll cause you far more
Pain if he drifts in and out. I had a large pregnancy bleed and my husband was very nervous about sex for a long time as he was too scared he’d hurt me or the baby. There is no way, he was thinking about sex straight after seeing me crushed and worried I was going to have a loss. You will have been very vulnerable even though you had a positive outcome. You deserve better as does your child.

ShopoholicIn · 16/10/2019 22:36

Hi op,
Congrats on your pregnancy. It's better to keep away from him till the baby is born as his attitude is unreliable.
Also is it possible for you to shift closer to your family as you work from home. Since you might be needing their help off n on during your pregnancy. Hope it all goes smooth for youFlowers

John470322 · 19/10/2019 14:59

From my Male point of view you and your baby are a family and there is no need for anyone else.
Enjoy your lives and don't let the sperm donor get involved as he seems worthless

MulticolourMophead · 19/10/2019 15:05

Don’t contact him or his family. Block him on everything.
Don’t give the baby his surname and don’t put him in the birth certificate. Fuck him.

This. Don't tie yourself into knots trying to explain anything, they won't be bothered by what you think. If they can ghost and block you, you can do the same.

Mephisto · 19/10/2019 15:29

I would move closer to home before baby is born (i know that's your plan). And yes, don't put him on BC. Plus make sure you get maintenance, his earnings may go up.

DoloresDingo · 19/10/2019 15:29

Did you use protection when you had sex with him? If not you might want to get checked for STDs.

makingmammaries · 19/10/2019 20:41

I think you would be unreasonable not to pursue him for maintenance. Who’s to say you won’t need it? And it is your child who is entitled to that money from its walking prick of a father. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and happiness with your baby.

timshelthechoice · 19/10/2019 20:57

I'd go a step further and not contact him at all again, ever. Do not put his name on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname. You don't need him to be a family. You don't owe him involvement and he'll be nothing but a headache who damages your child. Please get some help for your self-esteem, consenting to have sex with him after you'd just been in hospital for a bleed was really risky.

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