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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grown up children.

48 replies

helbel34 · 16/10/2019 14:54

Hi im in my early forties with 2 boys 22 and 20 and 2 girl 7 and 8mths, we all still live at home. Both boys share the loft conversion it's a big room but they both not happy having to share. Problem is the oldest boy will not do any cleaning up his section of the room is really dirty at times can actually smell e.g dirty clothes, dishes. Both boys work full time and pay £100 per month for food ect. My younger boy is now refusing to pay as he doesn't want to live in the room with his brother. I'm constantly telling my older son to clean up his side but he does not listen. This is causing so much arguments in the house help!!!

OP posts:

Happyspud · 16/10/2019 14:56

Tell older he has to move out. Only can stay if he treats his shared lodging with respect.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 14:59

My children are 22 and 20. The eldest no longer lives at home, but when he did he never would have gotten away with living like a pig. You son needs to cleans up, keep it clean and does his fair share of household tasks or he can move out. This is YOUR home and you make the rules.

TooTrueToBeGood · 16/10/2019 14:59

Shape up or ship out. Simples!

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2019 15:02

The older one has to move out. Good luck to him finding somewhere to rent for £100 a month but that’s his problem.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 16/10/2019 15:20

Why do they still live at your house?

Bibidy · 16/10/2019 15:25

I'm guessing you wouldn't want to kick your older boy out so if I were you I'd put his rent up.

Tell him he has to pay extra due to his refusal to clean up his mess. Either keep the money or use it for a cleaner, so your younger son will also get a nice clean room.

Bibidy · 16/10/2019 15:26

Why do they still live at your house?

Most people of 20ish still live at home if they're not at uni. It's not unusual.

amicissimma · 16/10/2019 15:29

"My younger boy is now refusing to pay as he doesn't want to live in the room with his brother. "

Does his food etc stop costing anything because he doesn't like the conditions of his room?

Neither of them sound very 'grown up' but they both sound as if it's time they lived independently.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 16/10/2019 15:38

Your younger son needs telling that no money = no food or accommodation, and good luck finding his own lodgings that's inclusive of food/bills etc for £100 per month.

Your older son needs his rent increased to pay for a cleaner if he's not prepared to clean his own area. He's going to be a real catch for some poor soul in the future if he's not been taught to clean up after himself and/or do basic household chores.

TwoIsNotBetterThanOne · 16/10/2019 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarkinTime · 16/10/2019 16:05

@Didntwanttochangemyname
Why wouldn't they? Is there an age cut off point where you show them the door?
My eldest was the last to leave home at the age of 29 and he only left then because he moved abroad to work.

OP. You need to tell him to get his act together and quick or you will be employing a cleaner to clean the room...at HIS expense.
My sister did this with her daughter who was in her early twenties and had a room like a jumble sale had collided with the local landfill.
She told her daughter that if she didn't clean her room, she would employ a cleaner to do it and the daughter would be paying. She then employed a cleaner to come in once a week just to clean the bedroom and upped her daughters board to pay the cleaner.

VividImagination · 16/10/2019 16:21

I feel your pain. Mine are all boys 24, 22 and 13. The middle boy is obsessively clean and tidy and couldn’t share with either of his messy brothers and 1 & 3 clash so can’t be housed together. Fortunately we had a family room and that’s now ds2’s bedroom. Is there any way of splitting them up?

ColaFreezePop · 16/10/2019 16:26

You need to tell the younger one to pay up plus any arrears.

Like PP said you need to tell the older one you are getting a weekly cleaner for his part of the room and he is paying. Then up his board to cover it.

Tell both if they don't like it they can move out.

ThatMuppetShow · 16/10/2019 16:28

"My younger boy is now refusing to pay as he doesn't want to live in the room with his brother. "

well he's got a point, why does he have to put up with his lazy brother?

My own kids - much younger - already have a choice, their room is to be clean and tidy, either by them, the cleaner - and they'll pay. So far, none of them is willing to give up their pocket money.

raspberryk · 16/10/2019 16:44

It sounds like they are both getting a free ride, I paid 150 a month 15 years ago when my annual salary was under 10k gross !

Tell the eldest it is clean up his act or move out, and the youngest to pay up and move out.

Can you get those room dividing screens to split the room in 2? I can't imagine still living at home and sharing a room at those ages though tbh.

GreenTulips · 16/10/2019 16:47

well he's got a point, why does he have to put up with his lazy brother?

Yep he can move out and pay his own way.

Tell DS2 if he doesn’t pay he’s not being fed and can no longer use the WiFi etc

corythatwas · 16/10/2019 17:22

ok so it seems MN has you sorted OP:

older boy gets told if he will not keep his room to reasonable standards he has to pay a surcharge for a cleaner- or move out

younger boy gets told that if he is not willing to share a room he will have to move out

and though I don't know what they earn, I am suspicious about their contributions: £100 sounds very little for full board

ThatMuppetShow · 16/10/2019 17:42

well he's got a point, why does he have to put up with his lazy brother?
Yep he can move out and pay his own way.

that's stupid, why should he be the one being punished?

Why should children be kicked out the minute they turn 18 anyway?

Welshrainbow · 16/10/2019 18:00

Do your girls also share? As I see it you have a few options.

If the girls have their own rooms put them together and separate the grown up kids. Charge more in rent as they’ll have their own space and set a time limit on it ie. year to find their own accommodation so girls don’t have to share too long.
Double the eldests rent to pay for a cleaner.
Tell the youngest if he refuses to pay he can move out, it’s not like he didn’t know what his brother was like before.

EmeraldShamrock · 16/10/2019 18:08

Tell the older DS he can clean it? Pay for a cleaner or move out?
Is there anyway of dividing the room.
Your thread brought back memories of my siblings squabbling, I was the messy one, older sis was a bit messy, youngest was spotless. Many arguments

CherryPavlova · 16/10/2019 18:15

Impose rules.
No eating upstairs.
Any unwashed clothes are scooped into a bin bag each week and put in shed until laundered.
Help with other household chores. Each to cook and clear once a week etc.
I think they’re too young for eviction but can the room be separated or can they club together to fund a cleaner? An extra £12.50 a week will fund a couple of hours cleaning.

FrancisCrawford · 16/10/2019 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 16/10/2019 18:19

that's stupid, why should he be the one being punished?

Because he’s not paying board? No landlord would put up with that

ThatMuppetShow · 16/10/2019 18:38

Because he’s not paying board? No landlord would put up with that

he's living at home! Nothing to do with a landlord! The eldest should respect the house full stop.

I know some posters are allergic to the idea of children not being kicked out the minute you legally can, but in the real world, most families do get on. In this case, the youngest hasn't done anything wrong, why should he be punished for having a slob as a brother.

ThatMuppetShow · 16/10/2019 18:40

They aren’t kids. You arent their servant. They need to stop behaving like kids, realise you are massively subsidising them and that the very least they can do is to start doing some basic housework.

out of curiosity, WHERE in the OP did you read they don't?
The issue is their private bedroom, not house chores.

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