Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Grown up children.

48 replies

helbel34 · 16/10/2019 14:54

Hi im in my early forties with 2 boys 22 and 20 and 2 girl 7 and 8mths, we all still live at home. Both boys share the loft conversion it's a big room but they both not happy having to share. Problem is the oldest boy will not do any cleaning up his section of the room is really dirty at times can actually smell e.g dirty clothes, dishes. Both boys work full time and pay £100 per month for food ect. My younger boy is now refusing to pay as he doesn't want to live in the room with his brother. I'm constantly telling my older son to clean up his side but he does not listen. This is causing so much arguments in the house help!!!

OP posts:

RedElephants · 16/10/2019 19:29

So, rather than telling the op to 'practically' throw her young adult out, why not give her some sensible ideas instead
.
I can only guess that some of you don't have young adults in your household.. yet?
Many young adults I know, both my 'kids' are young adults.. are only on minimum wage.., where on earth are they supposed to get the money from to rent somewhere?
We live in NW Herts, a bedsit round here?
Well, your looking at at least £650 pcm probably more.. add utilities, bus fares/petrol, tax, mot, insurance to get to work and not forgetting food!! to pay for all this?
And also to those that say.. make them give you house keeping!!
How exactly do you do this, if they don't/won't?? How do you force them??
I've had some of these issues, and a good friend of mine, these issues and more..

raspberryk · 16/10/2019 19:51

Perhaps it all starts when they are younger, I had no notion my Dad wouldn't go through with any consequence he said he would.
So when I was told what board I had to pay to live there, every payday without fail paid. I borrowed the insurance money for my first car and paid back in instalments, I had no reason to believe he wouldn't confiscate the keys if I didn't pay.
Taught me that if you don't pay your bills you don't get the service, whatever that might be.

Original poster

helbel34 · 16/10/2019 19:54

Firstly thanks for all your comments, I think that my best option is to get a cleaner in and charge the boys for it.

My girls are 7 and 8 months and the 7 year old has her own room and the baby is still in with us. So no option to give them a room each, could look at room dividers but they would still have to share the toilet.

It seems that my older son is actually digging his heels in about not doing any cleaning because his brother is going on about it😔.

OP posts:

MonstranceClock · 16/10/2019 19:59

I would make them both move out. Too old to be living in parents house.

saraclara · 16/10/2019 20:03

Have you told the older one that if he's not prepared to respect your home, he can leave? Because genuinely I think that if he's not prepared to live hygienically you should tell him that he needs to find other accommodation.

He is showing you absolutely no respect, and taking you for granted. You need to show some strength and make it clear that your not prepared to put up with it.

My kids lived with me in their early 20s and it was made clear to them that part of the deal was they had to play their part in keeping the place clean and tidy.

Drum2018 · 16/10/2019 20:05

You need to charge them a lot more than £100 per month for a start. Besides food they should be part covering all utilities in the house. They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Set down some rules for chores around the house/garden. If they don't like it they can move. See how they like paying rent, paying for bills, food, cooking for themselves as well as having to clean/respect shared living accommodation.

Idontwanttotalk · 16/10/2019 20:22

If your youngest is paying £100 per month for food and he doesn't pay it then do not provide him with any food. There is no correlation between paying for food and his brother keeping his section of the space clean and tidy.

The eldest needs to be given an ultimatum - to shape up or ship out.

Neither of them would stand a chance of finding somewhere else to live for the pittance they pay you. You also aren't helping them to become responsible by allowing them to live at yours without paying a reasonable amount for lodgings. They will have a very rude awakening when they do move out.

Fairyliz · 16/10/2019 20:33

I have DD’s in their twenties and tbh these two sound like all the spoilt entitled man children they meet.
I actually despair that they will ever meet an actual adult man instead of indulged mummies boys

FizzyIce · 16/10/2019 20:39

Tell older ds he will have to cover younger ds’ rent if he won’t tidy up.
Tbh though , I don’t know how you put up with them.
I have a 19 year old and he lives away from home. When he’s back it’s ok but we get on each other’s nerves after a couple of weeks

GreenTulips · 16/10/2019 20:46

The eldest should respect the house full stop

The youngest should stop whining to mummy and sort out the issues for himself and not withhold rent to blackmail mummy into fighting his battles

ThatMuppetShow · 16/10/2019 21:13

I would make them both move out. Too old to be living in parents house.

excellent advice, kick them out so they waste all their money on renting some shithole, instead of saving for a deposit and go on the property ladder -as many people do. Wasting money on rent is so much better than staying in the family home a bit longer.

ThatMuppetShow · 16/10/2019 21:14

The youngest should stop whining to mummy and sort out the issues for himself and not withhold rent to blackmail mummy into fighting his battles

I am not sure telling 2 young men to fight the issue out is such a brilliant idea...

saraclara · 16/10/2019 21:24

I think that my best option is to get a cleaner in and charge the boys for it.

No. No it isn't. Do your future DIL a favour and teach your older son to be an adult and do his own chores.
Getting a cleaner just confirms to him that some woman will do his work for him. He doesn't respect you, and he won't respect the cleaner either.

Grow a backbone for goodness sake. Tell him he has to keep his room clean or go. And sound like you mean it and check every day that he HAS done it.
You are such a wimp and such a walkover.

EmeraldShamrock · 16/10/2019 21:34

As childish as they are behaving it is normal sibling behaviour and will teach tolerance eventually.
DP is a neat freak he can't sit in any mess, his younger Dbro never cleaned.
Now his Dbro is perfectly capable of cleaning now he lots his maid.
I'd go for the divider with a cleaning rota for their bathroom, a fixed penalty charge of a takeaway for the other if the bathroom is not done right.
They'll soon learn.

Knoxinbox · 16/10/2019 21:35

They are not boys. They are fully grown MEN

CornishCreation · 16/10/2019 21:58

You do really have to encourage him to take more pride in himself before this becomes his norm, think what his own house will look like if he can't get to grips with cleaning half a room and one toilet.
I would be insisting he kept his space clean especially if you have a baby in the house.

ThatMuppetShow · 17/10/2019 11:08

Getting a cleaner just confirms to him that some woman will do his work for him.

then get a male cleaner, or do you think only women can do that job?

sunshinesupermum · 17/10/2019 11:17

helbel34 I do wonder if the non cleaning is a symptom of not wanting to grow up, which by dint of sharing a room at age 22 with his 20 year old brother makes it appear they are both still kids.

I appreciate them earning too little to afford to move out (I have a similar situation with my adult child who pays me a reasonable rent and keeps her room clean and tidy now that she is older) but this situation is only going to get worse for you unless one or both do move out somewhere else soon. What does your OH think? Are they his sons?

CornishCreation · 17/10/2019 11:33

I think it's simple really, all the time they are under your roof they follow your rules. If they don't like it they live somewhere else. You need be firm and make sure he does it, I'd stand at the door while he did it and wouldn't go downstairs until it was satisfactory, perhaps he sees you cleaning up after the little ones and thinks why do I have to do it myself then, he's had his time he's an adult now time to lift his finger and clean his mess up, he needs to respect his brothers feelings about it too.

Alsohuman · 17/10/2019 11:39

I think they’re too young for eviction

What absolute rubbish. They’re adults, it’s high time both of them left. £100 a month? Seriously? I bet that doesn’t even cover their food.

FrancisCrawford · 17/10/2019 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penelopeschat · 17/10/2019 12:47

Divider for wall
Increase rent to £200 pcm each (better practice for real world costs)
Have agreed basic rules - clothes away or in laundry bin, bed made, floor clean
Agree, shape up or ship out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2019 12:49

They are both old enough to move out.

Introduce this notion to them and see if it helps.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread