To ask how to not give a F%*k?

[Notthebloodymustardcushion]

My whole life, I have been held back by fear of what others will think of me and being judged negatively on my efforts. I’m about to embark on a scary new creative project which I hope to grow and profit from long term (won’t describe as possibly outing). But I am held back in my talents and creativity, by the crippling fear of putting myself out there. I’m so stuck and it’s ridiculously frustrating.

I am at a point in my life where all of the old excuses are falling away, my kids are older, I have lots of free time, enough (although not a lot) of money to support my endeavours etc... but the one thing I cannot seem to overcome, is finding my inner “zero fucks” so that I can be brave and just do the bloody thing. Every time I try to sit down to get started, I get the fear, and just can’t crack on.

Mumsnetters, have you overcome this fear? Where do I start? Help!

It takes too long to not give a fuck. So many years. I give less of a fuck and I’m middle aged.

So likes others said. You just have to do it even though you give a fuck.

I see someone else has already recommended Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers but it's a really good book. It points out - as have all the previous posters - that everyone feels like this but not everyone lets it stop them. It's a normal feeling to have before you do something new.

Good luck with your new venture, OP!

Read the book 'feel the fear and do it anyway'

When I'm scared I always ask myself what is the best and worst that can happen if I DON'T do the Scary Thing.. and the best and worst that can happen if I DO do the Scary Thing. (The options that not doing it produces are never particularly rewarding and normally the worst is I'd be really frustrated and annoyed with myself and beat myself up about my lack of action... the best might be that nothing changes but I've got more time to faff on MN!)

Also - I might spend time thinking precisely what I'm scared of - and what would happen if that thing happened. My answer is normally that the worst outcome might not be hugely pleasant, but I would cope and probably learn something. And then I have fun imagining what it would be like if I did that Scary Thing.

And - finally - I think it's helpful to think what can I do to start the Scary Thing TODAY. Just a small step. And what can I do next? Once I start building some momentum then it gets easier and easier - and it's often quite fun!

Good luck!

@Notthebloodymustardcushion I totally understand where you're coming from. I've spent my life never quite being as good as I thought I ought to be - from beating myself up when I was 8 for 'only' getting a Merit in my Grade 4 piano exam when I 'should' have got a Distinction to not getting 'enough' O levels to never being slim 'enough' or fashionable 'enough' or berating myself because I completed a half marathon in 2hrs 20 because I walked too much rather than the 2 hours I wanted. Then I hated myself for having 2 emergency c sections then an elective rather than a 'proper' birth - that one took a lot to get over, even though I successfully breast fed all 3 to over a year old!.

Its only now that I'm 50 that I can look back and realise that I did everything I could to be as good as I could be at the time! None of us are perfect (although my sisters seem to be!!) but its taken hell of a long time and a lot of self analysis to realise that.

I have tried very hard not to pass on this sense of 'not good enough' to my kids and I think to some extent, I've succeeded. They don't seem to hate themselves as much as I did at that age! I don't know how to advise anyone how not to give a damn what others think, but you do need to acknowledge that you are in control of your life - I think that once you do that, the rest might start to fall into place?

Do give a fuck, but about the right things. Give a fuck about your project, not about the comments.

I think two things: (1) realise how little the rest of the world cares about you. No-one is as bothered about how you feel as you are. It's quite freeing if you're holding back for fear of what others think - fundamentally they don't really care. And (2) what is the worst that could happen? The world will carry on turning. If you think through the actual implications, you tend to realise they are insignificant!

Maybe have a look at NLP (Neuro linguistic programming). I think there's lots of stuff on the internet about it
Uncharacteristically for me, I went on a short evening course and found it interesting and helpful.
In a nutshell, it helps you push away those unhelpful thoughts and beliefs that we have told ourselves about ourselves, that get ingrained over the years.

God, you lot are FUCKING AMAZING. I can’t reply to you all individually as there are so many great comments. But WOW. I am starting tomorrow morning. No more bullshit excuses. I CAN Fucking do this. We all can.

And I’ve ordered “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.

That's the spirit, OP. And you're making me realise the importance of something I've been trying to model for my perfectionist seven year old recently -- that it's fine to screw up, acknowledge it, and get going again.

I always think it’s better to try something than to spend the rest of your life thinking I wish I’d tried that!

Loving the fallow field of fukcs 😀

I spotted this on a friends news feed today, makes some sense. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-powerful-mindset-shifts-to-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think/

If I'm faced with a task that I keep putting off, I use a procrastination buster - I can't remember where I got it from, so I'm afraid I can't give credit where it's due. I ask "Why Can't I Do It"? and, taking each word in turn, ask myself what are the blockers and what will I do to overcome them.

Why? - why am I doing this.

Can't? - is it can't as in I don't have the experience, or the right skills, or enough resources?

I? - what am "I" afraid of? what will others say if I fail - does what they say matter?

Do? - what exactly do I have to do? 1. what is my end goal and 2. what are the steps I have to take? (Because if the task isn't quite clear to me, I'm probably going to screw it up)

It? - am I doing this at the expense of something more important (eg is Mumsnetting more important that washing up)?

I find that when I put the focus on me, I'm not giving a "F%*k" about anyone else.

Read "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" by Mark Manson, it will change your life

There’s a good book called “Feel the Fear and do it Anyway” - exactly for situations like this!

I think most people would admire you for having a go as they wouldn’t have the guts to! This is definitely the case for a friend of mine who set up his own business. He didn’t fail as such but nor did it become a success and he ended up packing it in after a couple of years and going back to a normal job. Nobody thinks of him as a failure; we’re all just very impressed that he tried as none of us would! And he got a much more interesting job afterwards than he’d had before due to his experience.

I understand OP. I'm in a similar place. This sounds awful, but I sometimes look around at others' creative endeavours and see that it's not all my taste, but I don't judge the person. I think most of us are the same 🤷‍♀️ So just do what makes you happy. You can give a fuck, it's hard not to, but enjoy your life and do what makes you happy!

I CAN fucking do this. We all can

Yes you absolutely can. And it’s fine to feel scared witless at the prospect of doing it. I’m so glad you feel S
starting the thread has helped. I do think it’s drummed into us that whatever we do we have to be really really good at it. Which is madness and I think it stops a lot of people daring to stick their head over the parapet and give whatever it is their best shot.

Thinking about it, all the people I really admire are people who take risks, who aren't afraid to give things a go even when they're not at all sure they can do it. My DM went back to school in her 30's, did an A level she needed to get onto the course first and then teacher training. She ended up teaching for 25 years which enabled her to buy our council house and she's now retired, comfortable financially and mortgage-free, none of which would have happened if she hadn't been brave enough to try.

And my amazing DH who also retrained in his 30's, he took on something entirely new which throws up new challenges pretty much every day. He faces the lot without a trace of fear (that I can see anyway!) and is absolutely flying in his new career, but it hasn't all been plain sailing and it's his ability to just get back up and keep trying that I admire most.

People don't care if you fail OP, they're just bloody impressed you're brave enough to try.

Every time I start feeling failure I remember that there is a guy who has 6 bankruptcies behind him and now is a President of US...
Somehow it helps me to do that "Oh well. Let's crack on than and see what happens".

I keep 1 rule. As long as I don't lose my home, it's all fine. I can always start selling knickers online😂

And remember that people who will judge you are mostly people who have never even tried anything🤷

@Lowlandlucky so great isn't it? Got me on first page. My favourite chapter is You are not Special

I've ordered the book too.
Oh I hope this thread keeps running. OP, my dd is on half term atm so I can't throw 100% time wise until November, but I'm with you and will check in tomorrow to see what you have done.
I'm faffing with research atm, I intend to make it more applicable and put a limit to the time now. I identified that problem from your thread.
Thank you so much.

Drabarni, hope you have a successful day!

I have spent the morning getting my associated admin in order, so that I can hit the ground running, so nothing terribly creative so far, but I am laying the foundations!

Hello my love, a word of warning. I've been doing this for a few weeks now and don't seem to be getting myself anywhere.
My working time today I'm going to list all the things I need to do and put a time scale on it.
I would like to realistically know an approx time the project will take to complete.
So for e.g.

Headings such as Marketing
Finance ( applying for funding)
Research
Etc.
Then the actual project work, broken down into headings.

Not sure if it will work, but i got up this morning and was singing, so positive stuff.

Good luck and so glad you've made a start.

Helpful guide on When to Give a Fuck

Does the decision you are about to make, the thing you are about to say, the action you are about to commit affect whether the people you love will love you still?

Yes - give a fuck.
No - do not give a fuck.