To ask how to not give a F%*k?

[Notthebloodymustardcushion]

My whole life, I have been held back by fear of what others will think of me and being judged negatively on my efforts. I’m about to embark on a scary new creative project which I hope to grow and profit from long term (won’t describe as possibly outing). But I am held back in my talents and creativity, by the crippling fear of putting myself out there. I’m so stuck and it’s ridiculously frustrating.

I am at a point in my life where all of the old excuses are falling away, my kids are older, I have lots of free time, enough (although not a lot) of money to support my endeavours etc... but the one thing I cannot seem to overcome, is finding my inner “zero fucks” so that I can be brave and just do the bloody thing. Every time I try to sit down to get started, I get the fear, and just can’t crack on.

Mumsnetters, have you overcome this fear? Where do I start? Help!

Currently feeling the same. Although I am pushing myself outside of my comfort zone- its hard! Trying to be confident with my choices but also knowing I may fail too. But up to me to fix any issue problem that may affect me. People are going to think of you in some kind of way whether you like it or not. It's about not feeding or chasing the negative but holding onto the positive. Then again constructive feedback shouldn't be seen as negative more of a "thank you I will take that on board."

You got to believe in yourself. You make you happy! Wish you all the best in what it is you choose to do!!

I’m so grateful for the support here, in fact, I think I’m actually going to print out some quotes from all of your insightful comments to put up on my work room wall.

(Nb, must replace broken printer asap )

Is there a way in which you can embark on the project in complete secret (eg writing a novel/making art/composing music?) No one need even know you are doing it for now. Tell as few people as possible. Let it be your secret, just between you and the work you are developing. That way it's not about the judgement, it's about play, creative invesitigation and expression. tell yourself you never ever have to show it to anyone, you just want to have a go at it for its own sake. Which imvho is a much better reason for creating anything in the first place.
If it's an art form that needs to be public in order to exist (writing or acting in plays, performing music or making sculpture that requires use of kiln elsewhere etc) then just take the attitude: I am a pupil. I teach a creative art form and I can assure you 100% that the pupils who succeed are the humble ones who aren't obsessed with how perfect their work is but how much they can learn and apply new knowledge. They grow. And the ones who want to be perfect don;t. So switch mindset from 'It has to be perfect' to 'I'm a pupil. I will practise what I learn.'
Also, look on youtube at videos of one year olds learning to walk. Imagine tutting and chin stroking at their first steps and saying, 'Son you look like you've had a treble vodka. Walking just isn't your thing.' They just wobble and fall and cry and get up and wobble some more etc and everyone is impressed and happy. It's really inspiring. That's the attitude if you want progress.

Good advice here. The day I realised that we are neuro biologically hard wired to care what other people think was a revelation. Nobody really doesn’t give a shit: some people are better at pretending not to, and some are braver about caring and pushing on anyway. Good luck!

There is actually a book called "The subtle art of not giving a fuck". Highly recommended it😁

@Notthebloodymustardcushion
Stop being grateful. The first step to not giving a fuck is to stop being grateful for shit that's a given.

“Stop being grateful. The first step to not giving a fuck is to stop being grateful for shit that's a given.”

good point!

Ooooh yes defo print them out!!! ALSO they say (I don't know who they is haha) that if you write down your goals you will more likely achieve them, I used to have written down (before I moved house) 4 things I want from life and I'd look at the list before i went to bed and when I woke up so 'confidence' could go on your list, that was one of mine! If we are getting really deep then you could also look at the law of attraction that may be able to help you visualize positive outcomes. I really am not as spiritual or quotey as I sound, I wish I could take my own advice haha because I am a nervous ned half the time!!! We all are, some just hide it better! Good Luck

I agree with the "keeping it secret", ideally use an alias or something even better.

The other way is to do something even more scary or more full on to you. Genuinely, if you do a sky dive, start motor racing, pass some exams in sport, or study, everything starts to get into perspective.

I used to really bother about what others could think, then I went travelling when I was young. I have realised that in the grand scheme of things, the opinion of a handful of individual matters not one bit. It sounds obvious, but worth remembering sometimes. Most people don't, get stuck in a job, in a circle of "friends" or in-laws.

Recently I've been having EMDR therapy. It has helped because I have stuff in my past (not even anything major- bullying etc) which meant I had low self worth.

As I've done the EMDR I'm more free to say what I think. I'm sure some sort of therapy would help you give less of a shit.

Best wishes xxxxx

Get out of your own bubble, look outside of your own life and realise just how insignificant you are and how fleeting life is. Once you realise that, you just live for yourself. Life is too short and precious to not do the things that make you happy and to be 100% who you want to be.

The person who never made a mistake never made anything.

Great discoveries are often made 'by mistake' (wasn't viagra one of them??)

You can always learn something from mistakes, so it is never a wasted effort - at the very least shows you which direction not to go in.

Was it Dead Peots Society? - 'a life lived in fear is a life half lived.'
Good luck!

Generally I loathe self-help books but my friend loaned me her copy of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Sheila Jeffers.

I could really go with the idea that everyone is fearful of things - failure, heights, rejection, public speaking - there is a whole world of things that freak us out - but that the best way of overcoming them is to just do them. As my DB says “ More doing, less thinking “. Doing them doesn’t mean you aren’t scared witless or fearful of what others might thing but that you should just accept you feel that way and do the scary thing.

The more you go ahead the more it reinforces the mindset that you’re ok, you can do this. Not going ahead reinforces the idea in your mind that this thing is scary and it’s safer not to do it.

So accept you’re worried about taking this leap but still do it. And people truly are generally self-occupied and to busy worrying what others think of them to bother about what you’re doing. Go for it OP.

This may help:

A two-pronged approach
a) therapy
b) just do the shit

It works. I started on this route seventeen years ago and I have to search hard for the 'fucks' I might give.

Best quote from mindfulness … 'This moment, now.'

Best quote from American Pickers … 'The time to buy it is when you see it.'
Best quote from Janis Joplin... 'Get it while you can... 'cause we may not be here tomorrow'.
Best quote from Alex Harvey... 'I told my story to the Cannibal King, he said 'Baby, baby, shake that thing.''

Get out there, @Notthebloodymustardcushion, and shake that thing.

Did I write this in my sleep lol

Nothing has to be perfect you just have to do it. Any small or even big failures are learning experiences, not a halt to everything.

Getting started with anything is often the hardest part. Do that and you're laughing.

I totally get what you're feeling as I have anxiety & fear failure & being judged. I think I realised with age, that with fear around new ventures/ failing at things, I was catastrophising & had impossibly high 'perfect' standards. You will make the odd mistake, but they really are learning opportunities & nobody is perfect, ever. My mistakes have taught me so much. And as long as I am doing my personal best at life, no - one can really judge me til they've been through what I have & walked a mile in my shoes:so stuff 'em.

'a life lived in fear is a life half lived.'

Strictly Ballroom. I love that movie.

Brilliant thread OP.

''Do no harm but take no shit''.
I have a pin badge that says this and now my DC's want one.

What you have to remember is that no one is perfect and everyone else is just winging it anyway! Just do it.

''Do no harm but take no shit''.
I have a pin badge that says this and now my DC's want one.

I need one too!

Whatever it is - go for it!

You only live once, wouldn't it be such a shame to regret not giving it a go now while you can?

I don't give much fucks anymore, I did in the past but after overcoming some personal shit a few years ago and ditching a few toxic people who had damaged my confidence, I got a lot braver and these days I don't give a damn what anyone thinks - it's great

And anyway I bet it's a great idea/venture/opportunity - good luck with it!

Place marking, I’m in a similar boat and it sucks!

I have different fers, but in a similar position.
You just have to keep faith, oh and my golden motto "Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think" keeps me going.
If you want a pall to team up with via pm I'm happy to support.
Mine too is a specific project that I can't talk about, because I don't want somebody to steal it or worse it not come off and look a twat.