Dealing with painful sex in a relationship

[BrownGosling]

I'm interested to get some advice on how to deal with painful sex in a relationship.

I've been with my partner for 6yrs now (together for 5yrs and married for 1yr). Our sex life used to be OK but has over the years dropped to a cadence of between once every 4-6 weeks if i don't make any attempts to initiate sex, and only really once a fortnight if i make the effort. When sex does happen, it's often very lacklustre - possibly because there's an anxiety on both sides about whether she'll be able to endure penetration given her history of painful sex. This history is something that was largely kept under wraps for the early years of our relationship and has only really now come to light since we've been married, and are in discussions about trying for a child so i've felt the need to raise it more frequently than i usually would - to the extent of persuading her to engage in some couples therapy to help work through things.

She has previously gone through a course of pyschosexual therapy when she was about 18-19yrs old (we're both in our early 30s now) but came to no conclusions and i get the impression she's resigned herself to this just being how life is from here on out. Sex is sometimes fine, but when it's painful, even touching her genitals with my hands is pushed back on, let alone penetration. She says she gets anxiety about the prospect of having sex and that tightens up her whole body before we've even started. Additional foreplay is her go to solution for resolving the problem but i've previously counted on some occasions foreplay of up to 45mins plus before any penetration is feasible (if at all).

I've explained to her many times that for me sex is an important part of a healthy relationship and one of the only key things that differentiates a friendship from a lover's relationship for me but there's either a) no discernible and sustained effort made to improve things, or b) i'm given a narrative of "we have a stronger emotional connection than anyone and that should be what makes us more than just good friends". She doesn't seem to want to face the issue head on which confuses me.

We decided to start trying for a kid back in Jan / Feb this year and she came off the pill but since then, frequency of sex hasn't increased (it's still been once a fortnight) and yet she's aired her frustrations at the fact that 9 months later she still hasn't gotten pregnant.

I'm basically just a bit lost as to what to do / think. Is painful sex something she needs to resign herself to or is there always another cure one can try? Am i with someone who's just kidding both herself and myself about whether sex is ever going to be important to them? Can anyone truly be that much in denial about how often you need to have sex to get pregnant?

I've probably not articulate the above very well but i'd appreciate any insight anyone can offer.

Hi OP, you might want to get this moved out of AIBU - you're likely to get quite a few unconstructive responses, to say the least!

It sounds like she needs to go and see a specialist doctor who is an expert in gynae and psychosexual problems. Am I correct in thinking she hasn't seen anyone in over 10 years?

Correct, it's been about 15yrs since she's decided to see someone about it!

Sometimes cultural and religious aspects of peoples lives makes a massive impact on how they behave around sex.
You didn't mention why she is like this was there some sort of abuse there or is it as mentioned above?

So, knowing it's painful you are still expecting her to be up for it? Why don't you go non-penetrative for a while to let her relax and enjoy sexual arousal for a while? There are things that can help - including dilation thingys (have forgotten the name) if it is vaginismus. But she needs a diagnosis first.

And she is refusing to seek help for this currently?

This is difficult as it's not really something you can fix for her - she has to be the driver to sort this out herself.

If she won't see a gynae or psychosexual therapist, then I wonder if seeing a fertility expert (who will undoubtedly advise that you need to be having sex more than once a fortnight to raise your chances of pregnancy) might be the jump she needs to address this. Given she has not fallen pregnant yet, it could be worth her seeing a GP initially to discuss fertility at least.

Unfortunately there is widespread misunderstanding of women's sexual health in the medical world and honestly you might have a fight on your hands to get the help she needs. But it can't be fun for her living with it and if she wants a baby then this is something she will have to confront sooner or later.

If she refuses to address it then you will either need to accept that this is how your relationship will be for the foreseeable future, or you may have to consider if ultimately you're incompatible.

Has she been abused in the past do you know ? Maybe put this in a different topic you’ll get more helpful responses in there , some people might not be very helpful here !
I think she maybe needs to seek some more professional help- maybe CBT or something ? So sorry you’re going through this , it must be frustrating for both of you

@Pandaintheporridge if they are trying for a baby then I'd suggest non-penetrative sex won't really do the trick. And given her age (early 30s is not too old by any means but equally you don't have all the time in the world) it may be a case of wanting to have the child sooner rather than later.

She says she gets anxiety about the prospect of having sex and that tightens up her whole body before we've even started. Additional foreplay is her go to solution for resolving the problem but i've previously counted on some occasions foreplay of up to 45mins plus before any penetration is feasible (if at all).
So is she saying she needs to be relaxed with lots of foreplay in order to enjoy sex, but 45 minutes is too much for you?

You don't need to have sex all month to conceive though, just try to do it a few times in the week she ovulates.

It's not hard to squirt sperm up there, easier than hurting your wife over and over while telling her "many times" how important sex is to you.
And keeping an eye on the clock during "foreplay".

You've counted how many mins you spend on foreplay?? I appreciate that might be down the situation but it has a tone of "well I've put the effort in! Surely she just needs to get on with it now??"

Your assertion that sex is very important to you seems to downplay the fact that it's incredibly painful for her. She hasn't had the chance for it to become important to her because it hurts. I understand that you want a fulfilling and regular sex life - totally your right to want that - but she's nowhere near that. Awful for you both in different ways. Your needs aren't being met and she's in genuine pain and fear and you've suggested that she might need to resign herself to that.

It sounds like she needs a proper physical examination with the appropriate professional then some emotional and psychological support with this.

I think your partner sounds terrified, tbh. The most natural human response to frightening things is to avoid them, which might be why she hasn't sought more help over the past decade - even fixing the problem requires facing the problem.

Don't explain to her again that sex is important to you. I think it's quite likely she heard you the first time, and it's certainly possible that it has made sex more stressful and difficult for her. Ultimatums - I need more sex or we're just going to be friends -(and that is what it was, however nicely you phrased it) are never a turn-on.

Are you sure you want to have a baby with her? Your comments about the importance of sex within a relationship suggested to me that you were considering leaving over this issue (which I don't judge you for - years and years of sexual rejection can be hell). Pregnancy, childbirth and child-rearing are all pretty famous for at least dampening one's sex life. Are you worried at all that you might find yourself desperately wanting to leave after having had a child?

But honestly, if you're asking a bunch of strangers to guess what might be going on in your wife's head, it's time to try marriage counseling to improve the communication between you. I can't promise it will help fix your sex life, but it might help you find a way forward together, or to work out whether you really want to be together.

No one should “endure” sex. That sounds grim. But likewise she can’t be surprised she’s not pregnant with a maximum of one shag a fortnight. What’s her suggestion for increasing your chances of conceiving if that’s really what you both want?

The sex and ttc issues are two different things in some ways. Sex is clearly a big issue and where there’s a mismatch in how important two people think it is it can fuck up your marriage completely. With that in mind, are you sure you want to bring a child into your lives when you’re not happy this soon after getting married? If she does happen to get pregnant unless she chooses to get help about the sex issue you’re going to spend the rest of your life in an unsatisfactory relationship and the resentment - mutual if you’re unhappy and she feels pressured - will make you both miserable.

The things which ruin marriages tend to be sex, children and money. You’re ticking two of those already.

i'm given a narrative of "we have a stronger emotional connection than anyone and that should be what makes us more than just good friends"

This should have come up before the two of headed down the aisle. I’m with you that sex is a key part of romantic relationships but she’s had these difficulties for a very long time and they’re clearly not going to be resolved by you talking and her refusing to engage.

Not clear from your OP if she enjoys it at all? If not then there's something wrong with you and you need to walk away from this relationship before you cause any more psychological damage to her. It is not normal to enjoy sex with a partner who is in pain and does not also enjoy it. Beyond grim.

Just wanted to add that the focus seems to be very much on you, OP. Of course, it's your post so that's inevitable to some degree, but it's your wants, expectations, experience etc. I shuddered and clenched up myself when you said
When it's painful, even touching her genitals with my hands is pushed back on, let alone penetration

That sounds awful for her. Offputting and lonely and like you just don't understand. If you know it's painful that day why are you at her and why are you expecting penetration? Clearly there's an underlying issue, physical or psychological or both, that needs to be addressed, but there's something about your post that doesn't sit right with me. Like you're not interested in what it's like for her at all, or you just don't understand.

I think the two of you need to go together to a therapist with experience in dealing with sexual and psychosexual issues. It's probably that or split up, tbh. You're unhappy, and understandably, but if sex hurts her then she's just not in a position to have the kind of sex life you want, and may never be however hard she works on it.

I think you have to think about your deal breakers; what defines a good enough sex life, for you, and at what point would you leave if you didn't get it?

I would also put TTC on ice; if your relationship is close to the edge, and it sounds like yours is, the last thing you need is a baby on the way. That will no doubt be a painful conversation, but I don't think you should TTC until you have a better mutual agreement about your sex life.

Has she seen anyone in the past to determine if there is a physical cause for her problem? Or did she have therapy because it was established to be due to pschological reasons? There are many physical disorders that can cause this and I would suggest she goes back and gets a gynae referral if it was a long time since it was first investigated. It may be looked on differently as she is still suffering in her thirties. Pain isn't something she should resign herself to enduring.

That isn't the only problem though. She does need to understand that you aren't happy with the status quo and that you can't stay with things as they are for ever. If she isn't prepared to get help then the relationship won't last.

I would suggest you stop trying to conceive a child unless and until you know your relationship is on sure ground.

I was once your wife. Quick GP visit and was diagnosed with vaginismus - seen gynos and doctors and given some help but to be honest it really is a long term issue that will not be healed immediately if at all completely. I’m still not 100% comfortable but my partner is MORE than supportive. The fact that he is makes it even more important for me to try with him. If he had the mindset you have I would be so disappointed and feel like a failure even though I cannot help my problem. For what it’s worth we are now very pregnant and pretty much since the positive test we have not had sex as my anxiety has been worse and forcing it only makes your condition worse. LOTS of foreplay, lube, dilators, toys (if she orgasms then her muscles will relax slightly naturally). To be honest I now can’t wait to show my appreciation for his patience and loving once I am healed but I think you need to understand the condition she may have and decide whether you are willing to wait and/or have this as part of your life for the rest of it

I get this, it's called Vaginismus, the reason being sexual abuse as a child made me terrified of sex.

It can make penetration very painful, and even impossible on occasions because the muscles will just tense involuntarily, in my case being scared made that happen. Therapy was the only way for me, if your DP doesn't want to, I can't see it getting better.

Is there any chance maybe she was abused, or assaulted? She could be avoiding therapy to avoid having to deal with a past trauma, which is absolutely her right if she's not ready. She has my fullest sympathy, please try and be understanding with her. There may be something else at play here.

Op I saw a documentary about a woman with vaginismus and what cured it for her was one tiny shot of Botox...I'm not exactly certain where exactly they inject down there, but it paralyses the muscles that would normally tighten up...and the lady found for the first time she was able to have sex with no pain because the muscles wasn't able to clench up so her partner was able to enter her painlessly...

Maybe that is something she could look more into to see if it could help her too

It definitely sounds like vaginismus. I used to suffer from this but was cured with a combo of therapy, self help articles and using dilators. There is a vaginismus website that should be a good starting point. It’s certainly treatable.

I get the impression that all you are aiming for is for her to be able "to endure penetration".

That is a very low target. No wonder i

Additional foreplay is her go to solution for resolving the problem but i've previously counted on some occasions foreplay of up to 45mins plus before any penetration is feasible (if at all).

It’s awful being with a man who is so obviously counting down the minutes until he can stick it in. Frankly I can see how this can make the situation worse.

Please check out the American KCRW Bodies Podcast www.kcrw.com/culture/shows/bodies
The very first episode talks exactly about this issue and has great information while destigmatizing it.

I'm going to be graphic here. Is she willing to give oral or manual stimulation? On one hand, I agree you seem to be counting the minutes but on the other, I wouldn't want to give 45 minutes of oral sex and receive nothing back.

I think reconnecting sexually should take precedence over a child right now.