I'm interested to get some advice on how to deal with painful sex in a relationship.
I've been with my partner for 6yrs now (together for 5yrs and married for 1yr). Our sex life used to be OK but has over the years dropped to a cadence of between once every 4-6 weeks if i don't make any attempts to initiate sex, and only really once a fortnight if i make the effort. When sex does happen, it's often very lacklustre - possibly because there's an anxiety on both sides about whether she'll be able to endure penetration given her history of painful sex. This history is something that was largely kept under wraps for the early years of our relationship and has only really now come to light since we've been married, and are in discussions about trying for a child so i've felt the need to raise it more frequently than i usually would - to the extent of persuading her to engage in some couples therapy to help work through things.
She has previously gone through a course of pyschosexual therapy when she was about 18-19yrs old (we're both in our early 30s now) but came to no conclusions and i get the impression she's resigned herself to this just being how life is from here on out. Sex is sometimes fine, but when it's painful, even touching her genitals with my hands is pushed back on, let alone penetration. She says she gets anxiety about the prospect of having sex and that tightens up her whole body before we've even started. Additional foreplay is her go to solution for resolving the problem but i've previously counted on some occasions foreplay of up to 45mins plus before any penetration is feasible (if at all).
I've explained to her many times that for me sex is an important part of a healthy relationship and one of the only key things that differentiates a friendship from a lover's relationship for me but there's either a) no discernible and sustained effort made to improve things, or b) i'm given a narrative of "we have a stronger emotional connection than anyone and that should be what makes us more than just good friends". She doesn't seem to want to face the issue head on which confuses me.
We decided to start trying for a kid back in Jan / Feb this year and she came off the pill but since then, frequency of sex hasn't increased (it's still been once a fortnight) and yet she's aired her frustrations at the fact that 9 months later she still hasn't gotten pregnant.
I'm basically just a bit lost as to what to do / think. Is painful sex something she needs to resign herself to or is there always another cure one can try? Am i with someone who's just kidding both herself and myself about whether sex is ever going to be important to them? Can anyone truly be that much in denial about how often you need to have sex to get pregnant?
I've probably not articulate the above very well but i'd appreciate any insight anyone can offer.