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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Christmas AIBU

91 replies

mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 12:50

This year will be my DH's and my first Christmas after having our lovely baby. In previous years we've done Christmas separately - I've gone to my parents, he has gone to his (a bit unusual but it's worked well for us!). This year, we obviously both want to be together with our daughter. So in order to avoid choosing between our families, we have decided to offer to host it at our house.

My family are delighted with this. The issue is my DMiL is clearly very unhappy with the situation, and it's stressing me out.

DMiL is a lovely person and we both make an effort to get on well with each other, despite some differences of opinion in some areas. She is a SAHM/homemaker with a wealthy husband (DFiL) and a lovely big house in the countryside with dogs and land surrounding it etc and she makes a big deal about how busy and exhausting and dangerous London is whenever she visits. My DH and I both work (though DH is on paternity leave at the moment) and have a non-fancy but perfectly nice small house in an area of London that we think is lovely but is definitely a far cry from the ILs' country shire.

When we said to DPiLs that my family were coming over for Christmas and they were welcome to join too, her first reaction was "YOU CAN'T!" and then seeing my Hmm face started raising objections like our dining table isn't big enough (we have another we can put on the end and there's plenty of space), our kitchen and oven aren't big enough to prepare a Christmas dinner (not true), it will be too much work with the baby, etc.

TBH I was planning on getting quite a bit of food in pre-prepared (canapes etc) and my mum and dad and my DSis and her boyfriend have already said they are happy to contribute dishes, so it had occurred to me that my and DH might not want to prepare the entire meal from scratch on Xmas morning. But we are perfectly capable of putting together a nice meal and have had guests over for Sunday lunch on other occasions without major incident.

Since mentioning it, the ILs haven't confirmed whether they will be coming (not an issue in itself as obviously there's plenty of time) but my MiL keeps calling my DH to say stuff like either we need to get my parents (who live nearby) to cook the turkey and bring it over or we should not do turkey etc.

I'm now realising that every time they come over to see our baby (they didn't visit us before we had the baby), she brings lunch for everyone, despite assurances that she doesn't need to. I thought it was a nice gesture but now I think it's because she doesn't want to eat our food! (She is a bit phobic about food and every meal involves exclamations about how much there is to eat and how unhealthy it is, but that's another story).

I am just feeling quite grumpy about the whole thing and wish I could uninvite the PILs (obviously I won't). I have suggested that they don't come and instead we go to them on Boxing day but tbh now I don't even want to do that, as I just don't like the feeling that they think they are providing us with a "proper" Christmas (though again, I won't pull out of the offer).

AIBU to think that it's not actually that shocking that DH and I would want to do Christmas as a family, even if I'm not really the home-maker type or an accomplished cook, and even if the alternative on offer is the ILs hosting at their posh and fancy house. I never thought I'd be one of those people with MiL rivalry. I'm usually hugely unbothered about what people think of my home-making skills. Really want to feel zen about this and don't want it to overshadow Xmas.

OP posts:
MummyJasmin · 16/10/2019 16:33

How nice of you to host Christmas dinner for your families OP!

I personally think you MIL is so used to being Lady of the Manor. She also sounds soooo snobby! One of those people who would happily visit someone if they were £££ and had a big home and wouldn't touch someone with a barge pole if they happened to be less well off.

Don't give up!

Pol16 · 16/10/2019 16:37

It’s difficult when you’ve always done Christmas and then suddenly you realise that it’s not going to be that way any more. But, sensible parents and in laws embrace the change and become part of that new life without getting offended. My daughter is in your position this year, wanting to start her own Christmas traditions, just as I did years ago. I can’t help secretly being a little bit sad because everyone’s not coming to my house this year, but no one else is going to know that! You sound a lovely, considerate person and your Christmas sounds as if will be just wonderful.

GreenTulips · 16/10/2019 16:44

When this happened my mum started a Christmas Eve tradition of panto for the kids
Then as they got older it was drinks and nibbles Christmas Eve everyone exchanged gifts and did their own thing Christmas Day.
Things evolve. It’s how it should be

Windydaysuponus · 16/10/2019 16:48

When I was in contact with dm I never saw her on Christmas day but we had Christmas Wednesday - the Wednesday after Christmas whichever date that was. She did presents and had a tree, did a buffet spread in her tiny flat. We managed. Date was irrelevant, time together was what she valued.
Everyone demanding Christmas day is missing the point of the whole thing imo.

Gillian1980 · 16/10/2019 16:49

Yanbu.

DH and I have always had Christmas at home together, inviting various family members to join us.

The way I see it is that we are free to choose the Christmas we want as a family, people we invite are free to either accept or decline the invite.

I think it can be hard for people to adjust, especially if they’ve been doing Christmas at their home for 30+ years. But things change and people should be able to choose what they want to do without being guilt tripped.

Gillian1980 · 16/10/2019 16:52

I liked Christmas at home as a kid. I think we had 2 years of going to grandparents and it just wasn’t the same (usually we went on Boxing Day).

I don’t want to spend Christmas Day travelling, I want the kids to be able to chill in pjs at home and play with their new toys.

FinnBalorsAbs · 16/10/2019 16:55

We had this exact situation last year. MIL had hosted Christmas with a cast of thousands for more than 30 years, since her mother had stepped back from it. We decided it was time for us to stay at home with the DC and offered we’d do Christmas lunch for anyone in my family / DH’s family who wanted to be around the kids (we’re under now illusions - no-one wants to hang out with us).

I won’t lie, the build up was painful. MIL and GMIL were querying everything - what kind of petit fours and mini mince pies were we getting (I did NOT grow up in a petit four household), did we need a salmon starter bought from M&S and we could pick it up on Christmas Eve (no need for starters) etc.

The actual day turned out alright though - the kids were a welcome distraction and while it was hard work we were able to knock some convoluted DH family ‘traditions’ (read: obligations) on the head while making sure everyone still got their favourite treats etc.

This year plans are already afoot for the same again and MIL and GMIL are noticeably more relaxed. MIL even let slip around Easter that she enjoyed not having to cater to everyone and instead turning her hand to a Boxing Day buffet (which was a different story - but I didn’t care as I basically availed myself of all the wine and cheese!).

Stand strong. You’ll get through it. And if she doesn’t want to come that’s her choice.

dottiedodah · 16/10/2019 17:07

You have asked her to come .Now its up to her Im afraid! She may be one of these people who are a bit worried about going up to London! Some friends of ours who live abroad ,were over and were aghast when I said a friend and I had been there .Apparently a lot of news only seems to concentrate on stabbings ,shootings and so on! .Maybe meet up Boxing Day at hers ? We have done this for a long time now

LillianGish · 16/10/2019 17:08

If you all live within driving distance of each other I don't see why this even has to be a problem. As long as no-one is going to be alone on the day itself I think its actually much better to spread the joy. PIL can have Christmas day at theirs with whoever wants to go, you can have Christmas day at yours with whoever you want to invite then visit PIL on Boxing Day or one of the other 12 days of Christmas. A walk in the countryside with the dogs sounds like a lovely Christmas activity and MIL can lay on a huge spread either before of after. I never understand what pleasure there is from cramming everyone in on one day. With a new baby you'll probably be working round naps and feeds anyway. Be grateful you don't have to factor in overnight stays. Do what you want, but most importantly avoid getting into too many sacred, unbreakable Christmas traditions yourself - it's this kind of inflexibility that causes problems in the first place.

rookiemere · 16/10/2019 17:11

So basically she has some weirdy disordered eating thing so only trusts food she has made herself.
Ignore, ignore,ignore. If she wants to come - great, if she doesn't- oh well fair enough. If she keeps harping on about the cooking you could say that it's fine and all under control, but if she feels more comfortable she is welcome to come after the meal, and maybe as a sop to that make it a Christmas lunch - which works better for DCs anyway- rather than a mid afternoon event.

Trewser · 16/10/2019 17:16

This thread is funny.

If it were the other way round

I've just had a baby, our house is small but MIL, who has an enormous house and loves catering, is insisting on spending Xmas Day with us.

The replies would still be slagging off the MIL Confused

Bouffalant · 16/10/2019 17:24

My memories of Christmas as a child are mostly fractured car journeys from place to place, stressed parents, never being at home to play with my toys, always feeling on a tight schedule of being ferried from place to place. I hated it.

Whattheother2catsprefer · 16/10/2019 22:06

Trewser but it's not the other way round. The OP wants to be at home. The OP wants to be able to see her parents and her husband on Christmas day. Why should every Christmas always be at MILs just because she has a bigger house? The OP isn't a typical MumsNet MIL hater who wanting to see her parents every year and never let MIL see the baby at Christmas. She is trying to treat both set of parents equally, see everyone and not have to either cart a newborn about from pillar to post or have one set of grandparents miss out on sharing the baby's first (and probably subsequent) Christmas.

DreamingofSunshine · 17/10/2019 16:07

But @Trewser MIL hasn't invited herself, the OP and her husband have invited their families to join them in their home.

FeckOffGraham · 17/10/2019 18:19

@Trewser

Ridiculous comparison. That is not "the other way round" and "insisting" you go to someone else's house for a meal, is incredibly rude. Neither the MIL nor the OP are doing that.

EKGEMS · 18/10/2019 11:43

Trewser You've an axe to grind in relation to holidays and relatives-no one is slagging the MIL off on this thread.

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