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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Christmas AIBU

91 replies

mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 12:50

This year will be my DH's and my first Christmas after having our lovely baby. In previous years we've done Christmas separately - I've gone to my parents, he has gone to his (a bit unusual but it's worked well for us!). This year, we obviously both want to be together with our daughter. So in order to avoid choosing between our families, we have decided to offer to host it at our house.

My family are delighted with this. The issue is my DMiL is clearly very unhappy with the situation, and it's stressing me out.

DMiL is a lovely person and we both make an effort to get on well with each other, despite some differences of opinion in some areas. She is a SAHM/homemaker with a wealthy husband (DFiL) and a lovely big house in the countryside with dogs and land surrounding it etc and she makes a big deal about how busy and exhausting and dangerous London is whenever she visits. My DH and I both work (though DH is on paternity leave at the moment) and have a non-fancy but perfectly nice small house in an area of London that we think is lovely but is definitely a far cry from the ILs' country shire.

When we said to DPiLs that my family were coming over for Christmas and they were welcome to join too, her first reaction was "YOU CAN'T!" and then seeing my Hmm face started raising objections like our dining table isn't big enough (we have another we can put on the end and there's plenty of space), our kitchen and oven aren't big enough to prepare a Christmas dinner (not true), it will be too much work with the baby, etc.

TBH I was planning on getting quite a bit of food in pre-prepared (canapes etc) and my mum and dad and my DSis and her boyfriend have already said they are happy to contribute dishes, so it had occurred to me that my and DH might not want to prepare the entire meal from scratch on Xmas morning. But we are perfectly capable of putting together a nice meal and have had guests over for Sunday lunch on other occasions without major incident.

Since mentioning it, the ILs haven't confirmed whether they will be coming (not an issue in itself as obviously there's plenty of time) but my MiL keeps calling my DH to say stuff like either we need to get my parents (who live nearby) to cook the turkey and bring it over or we should not do turkey etc.

I'm now realising that every time they come over to see our baby (they didn't visit us before we had the baby), she brings lunch for everyone, despite assurances that she doesn't need to. I thought it was a nice gesture but now I think it's because she doesn't want to eat our food! (She is a bit phobic about food and every meal involves exclamations about how much there is to eat and how unhealthy it is, but that's another story).

I am just feeling quite grumpy about the whole thing and wish I could uninvite the PILs (obviously I won't). I have suggested that they don't come and instead we go to them on Boxing day but tbh now I don't even want to do that, as I just don't like the feeling that they think they are providing us with a "proper" Christmas (though again, I won't pull out of the offer).

AIBU to think that it's not actually that shocking that DH and I would want to do Christmas as a family, even if I'm not really the home-maker type or an accomplished cook, and even if the alternative on offer is the ILs hosting at their posh and fancy house. I never thought I'd be one of those people with MiL rivalry. I'm usually hugely unbothered about what people think of my home-making skills. Really want to feel zen about this and don't want it to overshadow Xmas.

OP posts:
mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 15:02

Thanks all -- these replies from people who have had similar challenges are making me more sure this is the right thing!

The slightly awkward thing is that we have also asked my DH's DB and SiL but if the PiLs don't come they might prefer to go there and I don't want them to feel awkward about changing their plans, but also don't want them to feel they are uninvited... But if we go to the PiLs on Boxing Day maybe we can just tell them we understand if it's easier for them to stay with the PiLs for the whole festive period (otherwise they would be travelling to us on one day then to the PiLs on the next day).

@Bluntness100
I don't think I can talk to her about her food needs. When I say she has issues, I mean she makes joking-not-joking type comments about how incredibly unhealthy whatever we happen to be eating is, and how massive the portions are, even though it's inevitably just a normal meal. I don't think she would respond well to me sitting her down and asking if she has any worries about what we are going to eat, and we don't have the kind of relationship where I could do that.

They live about 1.5hr away and wouldn't stay over because of their dogs (which they wouldn't want to bring here thank god). So they would have to drive here and back on one day, which I appreciate is a lot (though they do like to come regularly to see our baby). So we did say that we understood if they don't want to come since they would have to travel -- the distance gives them a get-out I think.

OP posts:
shearwater · 16/10/2019 15:03

YANBU, and are being lovely offering to host. If MIL has food or other issues, that's her look out, there isn't a lot more you can do about it and it's up to her whether they come or not. Let your DH sort it out.

mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 15:03

Oops strike through fail....

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aweedropofsancerre · 16/10/2019 15:03

Your MIL sounds like mine. She couldn’t bare the idea that her eldest DS didn’t come home for Xmas. She wanted to do it one last xmas just incase it was her last.... she was in her 50s at the time. Interestingly the same MIL always has her Xmas days at home with her DC and invited the in-laws. Bizarre she couldn’t see that I might want to do the same. Anyway I have had Xmas at my home for the last 15yrs, have created lovely memories with my DC who all love Xmas. I would hope that I wouldn’t be that MIL..... I should add that my mum never made an issue.... ever and has always gone to my sisters or come to mine on Xmas day .

Bearbehind · 16/10/2019 15:04

For me it depends if you can comfortably host the number of planned guests or not.

Can they all sit down for dinner together? Can they all sit in one room to open pressies?

If the answer is no and there is the option of a bigger house then it doesn’t make sense to me for everyone to be cramped up.

I understand you wanting Christmas at home and that’s fine too, you can do that jus5 the 3 or you, but I don’t think you can expect others to be happy coming if they’re going to be uncomfortable when they have other options

FaFoutis · 16/10/2019 15:05

My step-mother has very similar food issues, all that sounds very familiar. I wouldn't feel able to talk to her openly about them either. I'm not even sure how far she has admitted them to herself, she sees it as normal.

whimsical1975 · 16/10/2019 15:05

Is it not an option to let MIL host on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? Alternatively maybe you could agree to alternate who does Christmas Day each year? If neither of those suggestions make you happy then just stick to your guns - I remember when my two were little I also wanted to be home and have family come to us rather. To be honest now that they are a tween and a "just teen", and having been the host for years, I'd love to go to someone else on Christmas Day rather Grin.

We have a tradition of having Christmas Day at mine (usually about 15 or so family members), then my mom will host Boxing Day and my sister will host the 27th... so we are all literally shattered by the 28th!!

mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 15:06

@pumpkinspicewoman - she doesn't have a phobia, it's just the standard dislike of London that lots of country folk have. It doesn't help that our area is a bit scruffy. Anyway, she would be driving to and from our suburban-ish house so she doesn't need to take a detour down Oxford Street or anything.

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mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 15:12

@bearbehind - we have an open-plan living room and dining room -- there is enough room for everyone to sit comfortably on the sofas or at the dining table, but not enough for people to escape into different parts of the house as there are no other common areas. So I do see why she thinks her house is more comfortable - it is more comfortable. But our house is a perfectly normal family home the same as where lots of people will be celebrating Christmas, it's not like we'll be crammed into a studio flat or something. Also I just feel that it's understandable that we are going to want to have our own Christmas, and I just feel a bit annoyed that she can't see that the luxuriousness of the surroundings isn't the only consideration.

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KellyHall · 16/10/2019 15:16

The only thing that matters is your baby's first Christmas!

Who is or isn't there, whatever they do or don't eat, is barely relevant.

RhubarbsBack · 16/10/2019 15:18

Welcome to the joy of in-laws and the stress of Christmas! Welcome to years of never getting it right and always having to compromise. Welcome to years of resentment....

Do what works best for you. Nobody likes change, particularly over Christmas, people get set in their ways and have their own traditions they like to keep. Your MIL has been doing it her way for years and no doubt she won't want to change that now. Does she have other daughter or son in laws? If so, what do they do?

You cannot hope to please everyone at Christmas, so maybe split it between Christmas and Boxing Day and switch it every year?

My kids are now grown up and only now do I have the luxury of having Christmas at home. For years I've had to go to my in-laws because it's what the kids wanted to do and to be fair, it was always a large family get together but it always stressed me out as it was never my family. Now at last we spend Christmas here and I love it!

Good luck.

timshelthechoice · 16/10/2019 15:19

Really just do not feel guilty and offer alternatives or compromises or you'll find yourself dragging your kids around on Xmas for the rest of your life. You invited her. If she doesn't like it she can stay at home and sulk.

RhubarbsBack · 16/10/2019 15:29

I also think you need to put the shoe on the other foot.

You are the MIL, you worked hard to provide your kids with a great big Christmas. You look forward to catering for them every year. Now the moment you dreaded has come - your son and his wife are suggesting you travel into the big city at Christmas and suddenly you are no longer in control.

I must admit this is why I don't like going to the in-laws at Christmas as I much prefer being in control of the meal, the timings, etc and I hate having to make small talk with people I don't know very well, plus that feeling of not quite knowing what to do with yourself. Do you offer to help? Or not interfere? Do you pour yourself a glass of wine or is that greedy?

I think a situation is handled much better if you consider the other person's pov. Sit and chat with her and get to know about her Christmases past, her traditions and why she caters for everyone. You might start to understand her a lot more. Not saying you should concede, but just understanding her reasons will allay a lot of resentment.

Topseyt · 16/10/2019 15:32

She has a very simple choice to make - to accept your invitation or not.

You have your own small family now and this is when things inevitably begin changing from what they have been up to now. We found that when we had young children it became much less practical to travel and spend Christmas with parents or in-laws. So we stopped and just had Christmas at home. My parents weren't at all bothered. DH's parents occasionally came to us, but not all that often. Most years we just went out for Christmas Dinner to a nice local hotel just 10 minutes walk from our house, and we still do that now that our kids are more or less grown up.

MIL may be worried about her dogs, and I understand that because I have two of my own and you simply can't just leave them for hours on end or overnight. If she can't or won't put them in kennels for a few days then she might be unable to come for any length of time on Christmas day unless she can get a neighbour to drop in on occasion.

Host Christmas Day at your house. If PIL cannot make it then perhaps go and visit them for New Year, with your baby.

mumwon · 16/10/2019 15:33

re Christmas dinner - we do all prep the day before & I mean all pre. Christmas Eve night (if any family stay/visit) is a buffet or casserole - after that peel all veg (& in our household lots of different & trad veg!) mix stuffing ready for next day & DSIL cooks turkey so all that has to be done is to put in for a hour or so to heat through (except bit you want for boxing day salad or whatever) ditto sausage rolls & mince pies - we work through lists of who is taking what to help out - it is great fun & we do pressies & than watch queen & play board games - I love it! Perhaps yo could go over for New Years Day - create a new tradition - unless MIL is unable to travel - when I was little girl (moons ago Grin) dp had tiny house with several of us dc & we had several aunt/uncles/cousins staying - dm use to make everything - lovely memories - card tables put next to main table & random chairs from rest of house - folding picnic chairs have been used or computer chairs its part of the fun! (or family can bring their own. Oh & if you don't have big fridge use cool box as extra fridge (if it isn't snowing or cold than if it is you have the garden for drinks etc by back door Grin)

mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 15:39

@rhubarbsback. I see what you're saying and of course I have considered the emotional impact on my DM and MIL now that their role has shifted from mum to grandma. My issue is that she hasn't moderated her reaction and is now raising a cloud of objections which suggest that she thinks that the idea of us cooking lunch for guests in our own home is an incredibly irresponsible and ridiculous idea. I'm not really inclined to get into a discussion about how she has done Christmas in the past and how she feels Christmas "should" be done as I think it's going to just turn into a list of things that we can't, in her view, do properly.

OP posts:
mauvaisereputation · 16/10/2019 15:41

@mumwon - your Christmases sound lovely!! Thanks for the tips.

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Raspberrytruffle · 16/10/2019 15:52

Mil as my cooking is not up to your phobic standards I've especially bought in a naice Christmas ready meal for you and father in law voila Wine

RhubarbsBack · 16/10/2019 15:53

I was told giving birth at home was irresponsible too.

She has these notions for a reason. I wonder what her MIL was like with her? Sometimes people get overly defensive when their choices are questioned or they are forced out of their comfort zone. I suspect she is clumsily trying to raise these objections hoping you will change your mind and go to hers. She probably doesn't realise how hurtful she is being. But she is now being offensive and you will be defensive, which will make her more offensive and it will go round in a circle.

Personally with a baby I would have Christmas just with you and your dh at home and visit each set of parents at other times over Christmas. But whatever you decide, make sure you choose the path that is the least stressful for you!

gingersausage · 16/10/2019 16:02

You do what you want and let her do what she wants. You don’t all have to spend Christmas Day together. My parents and in-laws have never spent Christmas together - I can’t think of anything worse 🤣.

Honestly everyone on here is so bloody control-freaky about Christmas. Surely at some point people have to realise that it’s one sodding day and it’s not worth all the wailing and gnashing of teeth and drama.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/10/2019 16:02

Stop giving it headspace, you've invited her if she doesn't come that's her choice. All these issues she has are her problem not yours.

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 16/10/2019 16:06

Best thing we ever did was go on a 3 year rotation...
Last year we had our first every Christmas just us at home as a family (it helped I was 9 months pregnant so no-one dared argue with me)
This year we are at my DM
Next Year at the dragons....I mean the MIL!!

My DD loved waking up in her own bed on Christmas morning and seeing what Santa had bought. She got to play in her own home and we all had a lovely dinner.

Boxing day is basically with the parent we were not with on Xmas day and we get to spend it how we wish when it is our year!

BlueJava · 16/10/2019 16:08

The only thing that really matters is the you and DH and your baby enjoy Christmas. Just don't let her reactions/issues get to you. If your family would like to come - and it sounds lovely - then great. If she doesn't want to come don't feel you have to change plans. You have invited her, if she wants to come she can, if she wants to go elsewhere she can do that too. She seems a bit drama-ish so let DH handle his mum - the only thing she must do is let you know in reasonable time and stick to it.

raspberryk · 16/10/2019 16:26

Does she make the Christmas cake and puddings and other faffy things like the cranberry sauce? I would ask her for help on these, ask her if she is willing to make the cake, pudding and accompaniments/any specialities that would travel OK so she can "keep the pressure off you" hosting your first Christmas.

My MIL and I used to share Christmas, cooking in 2 kitchens and bringing it all together as one big meal and it worked really well. Started a tradition of who cooks what. I have even made them the things I make for their Christmas post divorce.

She is obviously resisting the change, I don't think it has helped you've kept Christmas separate as she doesn't see you and your DH as a family unit. Your DH needs to address this and tell them you, he and the baby are a little family now and you would like your first Christmas to be in your own home.

Cooking with help will be easier than carting a baby and all the pressies to the country and back, trust me! As PP have said, preparation is key, I also get the slow cooker out to keep certain things warm, triple wrapping the turkey while it rests will stay hot for a long time while you get everything else. Don't do too many dishes, larger amount of fewer dishes works well for me.

Pipandmum · 16/10/2019 16:32

I think her way of showing her love is by being the hostess and food is how she expresses it. That plus her own issues with food and you’ve got her way out of her comfort zone! If she doesn’t come then maybe you can go to hers for Boxing Day. We always had my parents for Christmas but my in laws wouldn’t come but we always had them later in the week. They never asked us to go to theirs though.