Mil always commenting on my clean house.

[Bumblebee1115]

Bit of an odd one.. I am pretty house proud. It’s by no means a show home. But the dishes are usually done and put away, it’s nearly always vacuumed (I have a cordless takes me no time at all), floor mopped, bathroom cleaned there’s no laundry lying around and it’s tidy as it can be with kids etc etc. I have ocd, anxiety and depression. I wish I could relax more around mess but I cannot and I would never judge anybody else’s home though.

I am fortunate enough to be a SAHM so I generally clean when DC are at school so the weekends with DC are for fun things as a family. I do plan to go back to work but both Dc have additional needs, DD only started school last month so I’m having some me time for now as I have raised them with very little support or help from family and Oh is always at work.

Anyway, every time mil comes over she comments on my clean home. Not in a well done, nice house house kind of way but a way she’s either jealous or making a dig because I have more time on my hands than her and I’m sick of it.

Things like ‘oh your house is so clean, but you have all the time in the world don’t you’ ‘my house is never clean because we both work’ ‘come clean my house because you have more time than me’ ‘you need to spend more time with the children rather than cleaning’ (again bullshit I clean when they are at school and don’t clean constantly) ‘must be so nice to have all the time in the world’. She says it all in such a bitchy way.

I just think you’re either house proud or your not. I’m aware if I worked I’d have less time but I would still want a clean house. I would never go over there and judge her house and truthfully it’s not be cleanest.

Every single time she comes over... But yet there’s been the odd time she’s turned up, usually unannounced and it’s been a mess and she’s judging me that way. I can’t bloody win!!

She’s also very intrusive. Looking through my stuff. Looking in a box (a parcel I had delivered yesterday), telling me how to re arrange my house. Telling me this and that, I should stop using my tumble dryer so much.

It’s just constant digs that I don’t work. Me and Oh agreed I’d have some time at home before finding a job. It’s hard. Both Dc have additional needs, we’ve had no family support raising them (literally didn’t have any time to myself before DC were both at school). I could be needed to pick them up at any time, school meetings, hospital appointments.

My life isn’t as easy as she thinks it is being a stay at home mum!

OH tells me to ignore her but he doesn’t stick up me for it all!!

Aibu to expect him to say something to her? I dread her visits! I feel like a failure most days as it is and she just tops it off!

Sadly your DH is part of the problem here. You have said yourself it upsets you, causes you anxiety and you find it difficult to stand up to her. Typical crappy DH response to 'ignore' his DM who is causing is wife distress. Your MIL feels able to do and say what she wants as neither you or her DS say anything

I agree with PP - only have her come over when your DH is home. It should be his job to field his own family.

I have the opposite with my MIL, my house is never tidy enough for her (she’s hugely houseproud and has a show home level clean house). We have twin toddlers so it’s an uphill struggle to keep the house completely tidy but she doesn’t really care, just digs away. I had to make it so she only visited when DH was here as he will stand up to her (thankfully) and unlike me when I stand up for myself, she actually listens to him (well... to a degree).

Your DH needs to back you up.

My MIL is a little bit like this in some ways - intrusive, critical, telling me how I should do things. I've come to the conclusion that it's more about how they view themselves. I think there is a bit of jealousy also - that I exist and part of her sons' life, with more influence over her grandchildren than she does. Possibly that the 'mother' part of her life has ended and she has less control. Your MIL is probably trying to retain some control and her mother identity.

I think when my MIL was younger she was one of those mothers who view their whole identity as being a 'mother'. So when I come along in the mother role (which she no longer has), she's constantly measuring herself against me. If you are doing well, then she feels it reflects badly on her - she didn't do it quite as well, so she criticises you to make her feel better about how she performed in that role.

It's a shame that their whole identity is wrapped up in this. I try to ensure that I keep a bit of the self I had before children and have other interests that form part of how I view my identity. I hope I don't turn into one of those MILS.

If she is calling round when your Dh is not there put a stop to it. Don't answer the door, if you must answer then tell her you are on your way out/busy and grab your coat. If she texts before arriving text back that it doesn't suit. Just get her out of the habit of being around you so much. If she's visiting when Dh is there then head out for a walk or visit a friend. Let him listen to her shite. You don't have to put up with her just because she's your mil. You don't have to be polite to her when she's being rude to you.

Bumblebee, you don't have to ignore this. What she is saying is objectively unkind. Next time she says something like that, you can say, "That was an unpleasant comment. How disappointing. I'm sure you wouldn't say such an unkind thing to a stranger, yet you're saying it to someone you're supposed to love. Let's all try to be kinder in the future." And then after that, if she says something bitchy, hold up your hand each time and say, "I expect to be treated at least as well as a stranger."

Thanks all. Thankfully she doesn’t come around that often but when she does its nearly always unannounced which gets me to. My anxiety can’t deal with unexpected visitors and she knows this but she still does it (just a text 20 minutes before is fine). OH was here when she turned up (this was yesterday just after school). I’ve had a few problems with her over other things.

OH does work longish hours. He is stressed and she probably does worry about him but there’s little we can do about that right now. It would be impossible to find a job around his (he does early shift one week and late the other). The only way I can work is in school hours and I live in the middle of nowhere and I haven’t found anything suitable yet, plus I have no one to have DC in school holidays if I worked as family do not help. Mil does visit sometimes but she never has them. She seems to think I have a life of luxury not working but I’m literally at home minding my own business every day!

It has absolutely nothing to do with you being a SAHM and liking a tidy house. Your MIL is simply a bully who probably gets a perverse sense of pleasure in trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
Since your dh doesn’t want to do much about the situation, I would just tell him that you would like to limit mil’s visits. When she does come around , just don’t engage with her. Go to your bedroom or something.
When she starts complaining, her son will have to get off his arse and do something

Her comments have made feel incredibly guilty and insecure about not working. OH reassures that all is fine with me not being at work because I will go back one day but for now I need some time at home to myself..

Always answer the door with your coat on.
If it's her "oh I'm just on my way out to x, you really should have called first"

Op, it’s none of her business whether you work or not. She doesn’t feed you and presumably doesn’t give you any money.
It’s time you stopped caring about what she thinks about you and enjoy having time to yourself. When you go back to work you will regret not enjoying this time

I think OH is kinda scared of her. She is rather childish in her ways. Once she didn’t speak to us for weeks. She turned at 8pm on a school night once (for no reason, she was just passing). DD was fast asleep, we were trying to settled DS (he takes forever to wind down and nod off and routine is the key). She demanded to come and see them (was she expecting me to wake DD who was around 2/3 at the time?). Didn’t let her in. She stormed off and we didn’t hear from her in weeks and we were the ‘bad guys’.

We like to keep the peace but being spoke to like crap is really starting to take its toll. I’m just convinced she hates everything I do!

I bet your mental health vastly improved when she didn’t talk to you.
I would be tempted to piss her off so that she wouldn’t come around for a few weeks

Firstly, get a Ring doorbell that way you can see who is at your door, you can set it to trigger and chirp your phone before they ring your bell, just because you are in does not mean you have to answer the door to anyone. Don't answer it to her and later just tell her she should have let you know she was coming round. Always pre-arrange her visits. Cheeky fucking woman.

And on that note, you do not have to justify yourself to your MIL about anything.

I have been a SAHM for over 10 years with two children now in sixth form and secondary school. Loads of people try to get digs in about how much time I have on my hands, I just agreed, yes I do and I fucking love it. To "what do you do all day?" me -"eat bons bons, whilst flicking through a magazine." head tilt, "Why, what do you do all day?"

It is none of their business that I am partially disabled and therefore would struggle to work even part time never mind full time. Dh fully supports what I do because he comes home to a clean house and a meal on the table, all his clothes washed and ironed and he gets to come in and spend time with me and our two children.

Like you all my housework is done within school hours in the week. My house is clean and tidy. That way weekends are totally free of all housework, except I run a cordless dyson round the lounge and hall.

Enjoy it, don't justify yourself to anyone. It is what works for your family and your MIL is jealous.

I think you should ask her if she's ever considered early retirement - then she'd have her house as clean as yours in no time.

For effect - tilt your heard slightly to one side when you say it.

Is she visiting during the day when your dh/her son is at work? Cut that right down then if so. You are the one who chooses who you want to see in your own home, sure ywbu to stop her visiting to see her son and dgcs but to just keep visiting when only you are around, just to upset you? No sod that, if you're not comfortable just declining a visit just say you are going out /are in the bath/whatever (please tell me she's not got a key!!) Your dh can't insist /expect you see her on her own if she can't be nice to you. If she asks him why you don't ever seem want see her anymore then he should man up and tell her.

Please love, put yourself first in this, don’t let her in. Just ignore the door unless you’re expecting anyone and if it’s her, say you’re on your way out. IF she starts texting beforehand, just reply that you’re not able to make it and tell her to contact dh to arrange a time when he’s in.

She does fuck all to help and piles in with the bitchfest? Nah... ftfo mil and then ftfo some more .

OP far from being a failure, you could actually start a blog and give tips and hints!

When I had small children I could have done with you as a friend. I bet instead of feeling overwhelmed and then putting it off like I did, you could have shown me how to break it down into manageable pieces and feel more in control.

Good on you, OP. MIL is just jealous because you are showing her up. I like the head tilt suggestion or the ''thanks! It's so nice having a lovely clean house compared to some you see".

Every. Single. Time she makes a sarky comment.

She sounds like a cow and not worth listening to! Honestly, OP, I wish my house was clean and tidy all the time like yours...it's usually acceptable, but only just.

On a different subject, have you sought help for your anxiety? I have GAD but have had counselling and am on medication. It's really helped me cope with life, including unpleasant people like your MIL, more effectively. I used to feel very judged but now if someone's nasty, I'm able to brush it off.

Some people enjoy making other people feel small because they themselves have issues. That's what's going on here, it's really nothing to do with you.

It souds like you work very hard lookign after your home and your children,makig her feel bad about her home would be the wrong way to deal with it though. Do not stoop to her level whatever anyone says. Just please tell your husband to back you up whe you ask her to stop having a go at her.

I’d be inclined to tell her that if she spent less time in other people’s houses making bitchy comments then she’d have plenty of time to clean her own.

You are not a failure you sound very lovely. Even if you were cleaning when the kids come home from school (which I know you're not) it's nobody's business. You are clearly a very thoughtful mum and I think if you can have a rational conversation with your OH and tell him how much it is upsetting you it might help. He might not realise just how bad things are. If he is not willing to back you up then you don't need to be willing to have so many visits from her. You could try with lighthearted 'oh I thought you'd come round to see me and the children' comments when she does it again and if that doesn't work I'd have a serious word with her. Good luck. xxx

Just ignore! She is just projecting.

I work full time and have a house thats in need of a good clean so I would be envious walking into your home knowing you had hours each day to clean it. That would be my issue though not yours

I would have to tell her that if she has nothing nice to say, please don’t say anything at all. I know it’s hard, but you have to say something if your OH is being a wet lettuce. Tbh I wish I was a little more houseproud (though we’re clean rather than always tidy). Sod her and be proud of your nice house x