Mil always commenting on my clean house.

[Bumblebee1115]

Bit of an odd one.. I am pretty house proud. It’s by no means a show home. But the dishes are usually done and put away, it’s nearly always vacuumed (I have a cordless takes me no time at all), floor mopped, bathroom cleaned there’s no laundry lying around and it’s tidy as it can be with kids etc etc. I have ocd, anxiety and depression. I wish I could relax more around mess but I cannot and I would never judge anybody else’s home though.

I am fortunate enough to be a SAHM so I generally clean when DC are at school so the weekends with DC are for fun things as a family. I do plan to go back to work but both Dc have additional needs, DD only started school last month so I’m having some me time for now as I have raised them with very little support or help from family and Oh is always at work.

Anyway, every time mil comes over she comments on my clean home. Not in a well done, nice house house kind of way but a way she’s either jealous or making a dig because I have more time on my hands than her and I’m sick of it.

Things like ‘oh your house is so clean, but you have all the time in the world don’t you’ ‘my house is never clean because we both work’ ‘come clean my house because you have more time than me’ ‘you need to spend more time with the children rather than cleaning’ (again bullshit I clean when they are at school and don’t clean constantly) ‘must be so nice to have all the time in the world’. She says it all in such a bitchy way.

I just think you’re either house proud or your not. I’m aware if I worked I’d have less time but I would still want a clean house. I would never go over there and judge her house and truthfully it’s not be cleanest.

Every single time she comes over... But yet there’s been the odd time she’s turned up, usually unannounced and it’s been a mess and she’s judging me that way. I can’t bloody win!!

She’s also very intrusive. Looking through my stuff. Looking in a box (a parcel I had delivered yesterday), telling me how to re arrange my house. Telling me this and that, I should stop using my tumble dryer so much.

It’s just constant digs that I don’t work. Me and Oh agreed I’d have some time at home before finding a job. It’s hard. Both Dc have additional needs, we’ve had no family support raising them (literally didn’t have any time to myself before DC were both at school). I could be needed to pick them up at any time, school meetings, hospital appointments.

My life isn’t as easy as she thinks it is being a stay at home mum!

OH tells me to ignore her but he doesn’t stick up me for it all!!

Aibu to expect him to say something to her? I dread her visits! I feel like a failure most days as it is and she just tops it off!

It’s nothing to do with anything you’re doing, she’s just in love with the sound of her own voice, and she’s got you to broadcast too.
Your DH can stop this.

It's insecurity on her behalf so she's trying to tear you down. I think your husband is right, try to ignore this OP. Like PPs have suggested - put on a big smile and have a stock answer ready "yes I do love a tidy home" and literally repeat that same sentence every time she repeats her nonesense. She'll soon see she's not getting anywhere and will stop.

Also, you don't need to justify your family setup. It's no ones business why you work or don't work. Don't feel bad about that or feel you need to explain - own it!

My DCs go to a childminder twice a week for no reason other than I want a break from them, I'm sure my husband's family have thoughts about this but it's been great for our family/my sanity so I really don't care.

Well if you are shattered OP. If the want is keep your house spotless is from anxiety then it doesn't come naturally, maybe your need to see your GP.
Is MIL aware of your anxiety, is she trying to acknowledge it in a backward manner.
I like a clean house, it isn't always clean DP finishes the last in the evenings, it doesn't cause me anxiety.
I do what I can. I could do more my attention span is shit

If she is always commenting on your clean house and the fact that you have more time to keep it so, I suggest you tell her, politely, to play another tune. She probably doesn't realise how predictable and irritating she is but if nobody tells her, she'll carry on doing it. Just say something like you wish she wouldn't always say that, it gets on your nerves and is hurtful.

Haha yeah I've had similar. When my house is a mess I must be depressed, when my house is spotless I must be a fun sponge sucking the life out of my kids

When it's a mess people find the need to find ways for my to tidy it ("have you heard of the Marie kondo method," "don't you think you should donate some of these books/clothes/toys") when it's clean they find ways for me to make it less clinical or make value judgements ("maybe you should make a play area for the kids," "do they never get the finger paints/ play dough out?")

Funny what two child free hours can do, too. Because that's what it takes to go from one whole set of value judgements to another. I mostly just go "mmm hmm" a lot because I'm happy with my system, and when it works it's because I've had enough time to implement it properly, and when it doesn't it's because I haven't!

OH tells me to ignore her but he doesn’t stick up me for it all!!
Well, he needs to. Tell him he has one chance to tell her to stop being rude to you, and if she doesn't you will start being rude back.

If/when she continues, follow through. e.g. ‘oh your house is so clean, but you have all the time in the world don’t you’ I'I beg your pardon?'

'come clean my house because you have more time than me’ 'what on earth are you talking about?'
‘you need to spend more time with the children rather than cleaning’ 'How do you dare say that about me and my children?'
Say all these firmly but calmly. She'll probably back down, because bullies usually can't stand to have the tables turned.

Tell her that if she looks through your stuff again you will require her to leave your house.

"I just can’t win with her."

Stop trying to.

I know that isn't easy because of your anxiety but perhaps have a few stock answers for when she starts.

You know it's the right decision for your family for you to be a SAHM.

Challenge what she says. I put up with this crap when i was a SAHM and it did me no good. Why should anyone be able to put your choices or your children's needs down?

Shut her down, even if you end up telling her straight. Why does she get to have a go at you?

Presumably it was clean when your DC were preschoolers so make that point to her i.e. it doesn't matter how busy you are as you prefer a clean house. She is probably being nasty about the fact that you haven't gone back to work as she perhaps feels it is unfair on her DS. She needs to butt out though as it is none of her business.

Every time you go round to hers comment on how dirty and messy her place is. Say that you feel sorry for her not having enough time to keep a clean house and that it must feel awful living like pigs but you understand that they both need to work so you're not judging the shit tip she lives in.

I think after a few visits she'll get the message.

My MIL is exactly the same as yours! And it really annoys me! My situation is different as I have to older DS, DH and I work full time, often travelling abroad. But I've organised the house so it's minimalist and everything has a place so it looks tidy but more important (for us) it's easy to keep clean. Her house on the other hand is very cluttered so you can't even walk across the living room without stepping over something and all sides in the kitchen are chockablock with "stuff" which is fair enough if that's how she likes it.

I get fed up with her comments though, but I think the only thing I can do is ignore them. I live in fear of snapping at her one day, saying something like "Well, if you did a basic tidy up rather than having every surface pilled high with stuff you could clean your house quickly too!" So it didn't help you - but I do understand.

Oh just read you have a children with additional needs and are feeling very worn down by this.

Sorry to hear. Honestly it is practice being more assertive you will get better. I wouldn’t count on your DH to make much of a difference.

Start with the easy

• avoidance. Be so so unavailable. If she calls around say sorry you are just going out / or do some housework while she is there! I did this with annoying MIL. She complained so much to DH about how rude I was. So what.

Also, does she ever offer help if you have kids with additional needs? Like anything?

If not, she is a real bitch I’m sorry to say. My MIL also never offered help even once with out child with special needs, despite living very close, being retired but active. Hell she even knew I was struggling with the buses and she was sat at home with her car! I think that some ILs are almost threatened if a woman, like yourself, has come into the family and coping with a kid with high needs. So they throw you to the dogs and it’s all about me me me. It’s awful actually.

So see your MiL as the nasty person she is for a while. That should help you disengage a bit and stand up for yourself. Maybe then give her an opportunity to help. Like do an errand for you. If she does it, there is hope that she might start easing up on the selfishness. Is she doesn’t, distance her as much as you can she will drain you and you need your energy for your own kids.

She sound like she’s coming round waaaay too often.

“Mil, why ARE you here? To visit us? Or to offload a ton of toxic bitch waste?, because if it’s the latter then perhaps you ought to wait for an invitation to my home in future”

You’re I gotta nothing wrong at all. It’s her who’s being unreasonable and rude. She sounds like a bully. I bet she’s only saying these things because she knows you’re too nice to answer back. She sounds very domineering.

First - can you cut down her visits? That would reduce the stress.

Secondly, stand up to her. You don’t have to be rude or have a go. A short, polite but curt answer might stop her doing this so much.

“You have all the time in the world” No, I don’t.
“My house is never clean because we both work”. You could clean on your days off.
“You need to spend more time with the children”. I clean when they’re at school: I’m not sure their teachers would want me sitting in the classroom with them.

Actually, writing out what she’s said, made me annoyed on your behalf

As for nosing through your things, I think you’re just going to have to be direct. How dare she!

Should be “You’ve done nothing wrong....”

OH tells me to ignore her but he doesn’t stick up me for it all!!

Well he’s a peach isn’t he?!

If he won’t stand up for you OP then you will have to or put up with her meddling ways.

What’ve you got to lose? I would just say very calmly that her constant put downs is very wearing and that you’re doing your best.

It takes courage to speak up but I’m sure you’d feel better for doing so and you never know, she might just take on board what you’ve said and zip it in future.

I think the best way to deal with passive aggressive people like this is to meet it head on. Eg You seem very bothered I have time to keep the house clean and tidy. Frankly, I'm tired of it. Do you want to talk through, clear the air? Nothing terrifies people like that more than having the rug pulled out from under them.

Why do you let her in? There is. O need if your Dh is not there , you don't need to

Suggest she gets a cleaner if she can't manage her own cleaning.

I agree with that. And you need to tell your DH how bad you feel, he should stick up for you!

We all have the same hours in the day, we just organise them differently. I hate mess and wasting my time with boring chores, so my house is always tidy and "visitor ready". It's a lot easier when you are at work because there's no one there to mess it up!
It's also a hell of lot quicker to keep a tidy and clean house than letting it go to a mess and have to catch up. Coming home to a dirty and messy house would piss me off, so what. I don't care if people judge, don't they have better to do?

Sounds like you are doing a great job, your MIL is an idiot.

I agree with a PP. Don't let her in. Either stand up to her and tell her to sod off or hide from her. It sounds like she is really affecting you. All that constant snideness would me. Block her out and then when she complains to your husband see if he is able to explain to her (although probably not from the sounds of it, in which case she was no doubt a cow all through his upbringing).

My advice would be to hide behind the curtains when she calls, or in a more grown up way, ask her to text before she comes round and then invent an excuse (it is easier to be assertive by sms).

Do it repeatedly. I have done it with my own mother, who I have told in no uncertain terms that she is rude, but doesn't get the message in person. But she is slowly learning that rudeness = loss of contact with grandchild.

Don't have her round unless her son is there.

She's not your problem

Is your DH stressed? Does he enjoy his job?
Maybe she is worried about the pressures on him, supporting all of you.

Ditto, to not having her round unless dh is there. She isn't anything to you really, she's his mum.
I suppose in a way we should be grateful she isn't like the mil of the past who'd have a go at the mum for working.
Now the default seems to be everyone working, but you do what you want to, it's your life not hers.
As for a clean house we all have our own standards and yours are high, which is commendable.
I'm sorry if your OCD and anxiety make you struggle, that's enough to contend with, without the mil.
Just ignore her and keep your distance.

Your dh is a weasel, how do you find that attractive.
If he cared for you more than his mother he'd stand up for you.
Please tell him if he doesn't sort it out and pronto then she isn't welcome in your home unless he his there, and you'll go out.
It's the only way to treat these people.

Is she lower middle class trying to escape?

In all seriousness if your MIL is being mean to you ask your DH to speak to her. It is very much his job to manage his parents.

Practice some replies like:

• yes, I do like it clean.
• yes, isn't it nice when the house is tidy!
• of course I can't come clean your house instead of spending time with my children! But here's a leaflet for cleaning services that was put through the door. You both work so you have the money.