Help me deal with my FIL - he's driving me crazy

[loosingmymind90]

Please can anyone give me any tips to deal with this situation?

My DPs dad is staying with us, has been for the last 2 weeks as he’s not well. Hes late 50s. Hes been diagnosed with an illness which he can treat himself. He’s fine now and has been for the last week, but ended up in hospital before staying with us and he lives abroad. He usually does stay with us around three times a year for a couple of days. Never really any issues beforehand.

It’s now 2 weeks. I’m going mental. I’m currently on maternity leave. He’s the laziest, messiest, arrogant, unpleasant, selfish man I’ve ever met! I always knew he was abit arrogant but spending all this time with him has opened my eyes right up! I’m constantly cleaning up, blankets all over, bits of food everywhere, everything left out, food containers never in the recycling or bin, toilet seat up, plates on the side (despite a dish washer being underneath!!), tripping over his shoes / slippers sprawled out everywhere, finger nails on the sofa 🤢 on top of this, he has whinged the entire time he’s been here about wanting to be home (yet not being proactive in phoning the doctors I.e calling at 8.30am to get an appointment, as he wakes up at 11am) and complaining about the NHS (a serious pet peeve of mine alone)

He takes no interest in getting to know me or what me and daughter get up to. It’s always a one sided conversation. He never hears what I say it’s always “EHH” or blanks me completely. You can just tell he's not interested in what I've got to say. Whenever I’m (rarely!) watching TV he talks all the way through. He doesn’t go out unless he needs to go to the doctor, doesn’t go see his friends apart from 1 he stayed with. Is literally sat on sofa all day watching TV. He cooks meals despite me telling him what I’m making for tea that night but if I’m not in - he’s done it anyway (usually something I don’t like and tbh isn’t nice he’s not a good cook) never cleans up after cooking. Claims he doesn’t know how to along with using a washing machine. Has just learnt to occasionally empty the dish washer. He dumped his clothes in front of me and asked me to wash them, I said can you put them in the washing machine? His response “ oh I don’t know how to” and walks off. I’ve known this man for 8 years and he’s only just realised I don’t like my name shortened (it’s short anyway!) despite me telling me I fucking hate it every time he’s home. Every. Single. Time. His wife does look after him so I appreciate she probably does a lot of this for him, but is not just common fucking curtsy to clean up after yourself when at someone else's house?! Am I living in a different world?

I’ve cracked up and burst into tears with my DP, despite having two other discussions about this. My DP thinks I’m being very unreasonable and that he can’t just kick his dad out. His dad is trying to be more tidy.

Firstly - he should have gone ages ago! He has other family who don’t want him because of all the issues I’ve stated above. He stayed with his mate for 2 nights and came home early because they were at their wits end too. My partner is at work all day and is refusing to believe how miserable I am. Secondly I’m now sat upstairs in a dark room crying, with my daughter asleep whilst them two are sat together watching more shit on the TV which I don’t like. His dad definitely has an opinion of women I.s he praises my DP massive amounts when he cleans up after himself or hoovers ups. Tells me I've got a good one and an amazing dad to my LG (which he is) but in his mind because he's changed a shitty nappy or played with her when he's home from work...

I’ve tried soo hard to think he’s not been well and calm down but I can’t do it anymore. Am I just being awful and should I suck it up? I’ve told my DP he needs to be gone by Thursday (he should be booking a flight home tomorrow) as I don’t even want to be “home” anymore. I don’t even want to be in my home anymore. I’m soo pissed off with my DP, I’d be mortified if my mum treated him like this.

I think I just needed a bloody rant too, on top of alll this! I’m a FTM mum too, which I love but with about 6 hours sleep combined for the past week I’m loosing the plot.

You could take off to a hotel and the fucker still there when you want to go back. It's your house as much as dp's and if either one of you wants a guest who's over stayed their welcome to leave, that's what should happen. You have to stick up for yourself here or you will have problems with your dp and ILs for the rest of your life

Hmmm, Thailand, where women are expected to submissively serve their menfolk and treat them like gods.

There's a reason he feels at home there, even if it's not his home culture!

Your DP needs to be reminded that this is not about HIM at all; it's about your health and peace of mind and his DC's safety and well-being. Baby needs to be in a clean, well-ordered, calm home and sadly DP's DF has turned into a dirty, booby-trapped, toxic chaos by being such an anti-social slob.

He doesn't have to choose between you and DF; he can have both: just not in the same space at the same time!

I would stay at your mums for a few days. Let your husband deal with it.

Every morning and every time you come into a room say “ oh so you are still here then” / “Have you found your suitcase yet?” There’s no need to move out but presumably you can go and eat out with your baby so you are not around to wait on him. Retreat to your tidy bedroom whenever you can and just rest.

Is it your house OP?

You've said DP rather than DH, so presumably you're not married (so don't automatically own half). Is your name on the deeds?

If so, book a hotel, take your DP's father there and drop him off. You can tell whoever you like to leave YOUR home.

If not, you can go to a hotel yourself, but what if your DP decides he actually prefers living with his Dad? You have no rights to move back in if the house is his.

I just wanted to point that out as moving out as a temporary solution may not work if the house isn't owned (at least in part) by you.

It's in my DPs name however, we are due to be married in December. We were looking to have two separate houses so we could rent one out, I have savings but with my LG here now - we've decided to get married instead (we were gonna do this at a later date). I want to have the same last name as her etc and Im really looking forward to our wedding. I kept thinking he'd never propose so was over the moon when he popped the question.

That's my issue he has out stayed his welcome! DP thinks because he's family we can't turf him out. He's feeling a lot better and that's what he's waiting for now a fit to fly note. He is and could have got this at his last appointment. Having saying this he's up and has an appointment this afternoon, thank fuck. I've already checked flights and there is one tomorrow and one Friday. I've already offered to personally drive him to the airport which ever flight he gets. So he can't use the excuse of no flights or unable to get there. I have a sneaky feeling he doesn't want to go home or something, it's been the most dragged out 2 weeks ever.

It may be how I've worded it but I'm not pregnant at the moment, my baby is already here.

I do reply to FIL with sarcastic comments to anything he says but it goes over his head. Or as I've mention it's "EHHH" or just doesn't respond. I think this is a huge issue alone, I'm quite an outgoing person and no matter how I tried to start conversations it went no where. He'd rather sit in silence until it's time to talk about how shit the NHS is / how shit UK weather is / any other negative bullshit which comes out. It's so draining. When I think back he was much better when he'd have a drink, I.e we would all be out having drinks / food and he'd be fine. He's not allowed to drink anymore and hasn't since he's been here. I have ran out of patience today though. I can't even look at him. I'm getting my LG and self ready and I'm out all day with friends. I'm sure they are sick of me ranting about him though so it's nice to get it out on here!

I've never came across this problem before even with ex partners. I get on really well with all my DPs family, none have any traits like his father. It's all new to me.

Forgot to add can't see FIL staying and living in the UK permanently. He loves living in Thailand, no way would he give up living there

If he lives abroad he is not entitled to NHS care - he should pay for it. How dare he complain about the NHS when he's defrauding the UK taxpayer?!

Also, YANBU - you also have a DP problem.

Unless your dp has your back, then I wouldn't rush into getting married. Did you pay anything towards this house, that's just in dp's name?
I might be inclined in your position to buy the second property in my own name, so at least you have assets which are legally yours and if you do get married, don't spend your savings on it. Because it seems to me that your dp will spend all your money on a wedding and keep his own assets in his name. I'm not certain but I don't believe tha getting married makes the current house 50% yours - it's the marital home so you do have a claim but I don't think it's an automatic ownership of half the property.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt you to talk to a solicitor or financial advisor and get some advice as to what your rights are and what would be the best use of your money.
And tell your dp that under no circumstances is his father to stay with you ever again. If he does not agree to that,then you know where his priorities lie and they aren't with you. You must protect your own financial future.

@loosingmymind90 how are things?