Help me deal with my FIL - he's driving me crazy

[loosingmymind90]

Please can anyone give me any tips to deal with this situation?

My DPs dad is staying with us, has been for the last 2 weeks as he’s not well. Hes late 50s. Hes been diagnosed with an illness which he can treat himself. He’s fine now and has been for the last week, but ended up in hospital before staying with us and he lives abroad. He usually does stay with us around three times a year for a couple of days. Never really any issues beforehand.

It’s now 2 weeks. I’m going mental. I’m currently on maternity leave. He’s the laziest, messiest, arrogant, unpleasant, selfish man I’ve ever met! I always knew he was abit arrogant but spending all this time with him has opened my eyes right up! I’m constantly cleaning up, blankets all over, bits of food everywhere, everything left out, food containers never in the recycling or bin, toilet seat up, plates on the side (despite a dish washer being underneath!!), tripping over his shoes / slippers sprawled out everywhere, finger nails on the sofa 🤢 on top of this, he has whinged the entire time he’s been here about wanting to be home (yet not being proactive in phoning the doctors I.e calling at 8.30am to get an appointment, as he wakes up at 11am) and complaining about the NHS (a serious pet peeve of mine alone)

He takes no interest in getting to know me or what me and daughter get up to. It’s always a one sided conversation. He never hears what I say it’s always “EHH” or blanks me completely. You can just tell he's not interested in what I've got to say. Whenever I’m (rarely!) watching TV he talks all the way through. He doesn’t go out unless he needs to go to the doctor, doesn’t go see his friends apart from 1 he stayed with. Is literally sat on sofa all day watching TV. He cooks meals despite me telling him what I’m making for tea that night but if I’m not in - he’s done it anyway (usually something I don’t like and tbh isn’t nice he’s not a good cook) never cleans up after cooking. Claims he doesn’t know how to along with using a washing machine. Has just learnt to occasionally empty the dish washer. He dumped his clothes in front of me and asked me to wash them, I said can you put them in the washing machine? His response “ oh I don’t know how to” and walks off. I’ve known this man for 8 years and he’s only just realised I don’t like my name shortened (it’s short anyway!) despite me telling me I fucking hate it every time he’s home. Every. Single. Time. His wife does look after him so I appreciate she probably does a lot of this for him, but is not just common fucking curtsy to clean up after yourself when at someone else's house?! Am I living in a different world?

I’ve cracked up and burst into tears with my DP, despite having two other discussions about this. My DP thinks I’m being very unreasonable and that he can’t just kick his dad out. His dad is trying to be more tidy.

Firstly - he should have gone ages ago! He has other family who don’t want him because of all the issues I’ve stated above. He stayed with his mate for 2 nights and came home early because they were at their wits end too. My partner is at work all day and is refusing to believe how miserable I am. Secondly I’m now sat upstairs in a dark room crying, with my daughter asleep whilst them two are sat together watching more shit on the TV which I don’t like. His dad definitely has an opinion of women I.s he praises my DP massive amounts when he cleans up after himself or hoovers ups. Tells me I've got a good one and an amazing dad to my LG (which he is) but in his mind because he's changed a shitty nappy or played with her when he's home from work...

I’ve tried soo hard to think he’s not been well and calm down but I can’t do it anymore. Am I just being awful and should I suck it up? I’ve told my DP he needs to be gone by Thursday (he should be booking a flight home tomorrow) as I don’t even want to be “home” anymore. I don’t even want to be in my home anymore. I’m soo pissed off with my DP, I’d be mortified if my mum treated him like this.

I think I just needed a bloody rant too, on top of alll this! I’m a FTM mum too, which I love but with about 6 hours sleep combined for the past week I’m loosing the plot.

He needs to help his dad book a flight.

Go to the hotel!

Call his bluff. Go to the hotel. Have a minibreak with your daughter! Enjoy yourself.

Your partner will soon wise up when he gets home and it's a state & his Mrs and daughter are missing!

Don't whatever you do show your partner this thread.

That just feeds the narrative that your opinion that the situation is difficult is open to debate or that it needs to be proved and approved by an independent jury before your partner can accept it

It's unacceptable to you. THAT IS THE POINT.

And if you stopped tidying up after this man, your partner would see the mess. But you're clearing up so quick he can't see it and can't fathom the inconvenience.

I agree with the suggestion to check in to a premier inn. Not because mners say you're not being Unreasonable, but because the Situation Is Not Tolerable for you. So you are not going to tolerate it. Do not draft in the opinion of strangers to get your DP 'on side'.

If you deserve more, don't accept more. Don't appeal to your partner to believe that you deserve more.

Don't accept less I mean obviously.

He sounds like a bloody nightmare. Your dh needs to step up

Get a premier inn near your family and have a nice break.

It’s quite scary hearing of someone not hugely older than I am acting like someone a good deal older (ie of another, less enlightened, generation). Your FIL sounds as though he has some very unfortunate entrenched behaviours and beliefs (especially about women). Yes, another vote for booking yourself into an hotel and leaving them to it!

Where does this man live OP? I'm sensing some cultural differences here

Consider checking AirBnb. You may find a whole nice apartment for the same price as a hotel room, or cheaper.

YANBU, but it sounds like absolutely nothing will change unless your DP stands up to his father, and right now, he’s more scared of displeasing his father than he’s scared of displeasing you, which is a really shit feeling, I’m sure.

You need to write down a few rules. Tell him. Dishes go in the dish washer, washing goes in machine, you do not cook tea when I have told you I am unless only for yourself in which case you clean up the mess. If you do not like my rules you leave my house.

I would be doing the following

1 advising your fil you are not going to tidy up after him anymore, I might continue to do the washing, but he puts it in the machine

1. I would be advising your DP that he is now responsible for his father and can clear up after him

3 I would be out visiting family and friends each and every day while he stays. I would put up with the sofa for at least one night to make the point. If that does it work then it’s off to a hotel, at dp expense 4 I would be having a conversation with your dp for a set date he returns home, you say your fil has a wife, where is she?

1. If he says anything I don’t like I would just say I don’t like that comment, please don’t repeat it again and walk away

I wouldn't shove my phone in his face telling him that because most people have agreed with me I'm right. That thread comment was just me being annoyed. It's been a relief to know that I've been more than reasonable in my own mind (as I thought!). I don't even think he knows I'm on MN.

I do think he would be shocked at the responses though. He really does think I'm bang out of order for telling him to get rid of his dad. It's an awkward conversation to have with him. As someone else had said he's more scared of displeasing his dad than how I feel. Which is very shit. I can't sleep at all.

As I say I think a hotel/air b&b is the best option as I need to get away from them both. I never even thought of it.

Yes there is a cultural difference he lives in Thailand, however hasn't lived there his whole life.

FIL does have some awful views on women, I really feel for his wife. He's a womaniser too. He says some disgusting things and has actually asked me if any of my fit friends are coming round. Im cringing inside just typing that. I know my DP will say he was joking, he probably was but it still makes me shudder. His wife is really lovely and deserves a lot better than him.

The rule thing is a good idea too but if I'm honest I'm not sure I ever want him staying in my house again. In future with other guests, that's something I will remember!

The washing clothes part doesn't bother me, I'm washing my daughters all the time. It was the principle of just dropping them in-front of me and 'unable' to put them in it's just so rude and unnecessary. I don't want to do anything for him, ever again.

I am out every day visiting family / friends / baby groups. However, there are times you just want to be lazy, in your PJs, no bra on just chilling with your baby. I can't do that when he's around.

I've tried asking about return dates to my DP but he just says I don't know. It's so frustrating. But I agree there should be a be a return date, I'll push that tomorrow. My DP (even if he doesn't agree) is acknowledging I'm fuming. FIL's wife is back at home in Thailand, I can't really go into much more detail as this is very outing! But being in England when FIL become poorly was fortunate (as he has easy access to the NHS and family here)

If he says anything I don’t like I would just say I don’t like that comment, please don’t repeat it again and walk away

Also like that idea too. I'm just going to have to be more blunt with FIL going forward. He's quite openly taking the piss out of me.

Move out for a few days. Your dp will soon tire of coming home from work to a filthy kitchen, disgusting food and rank fingernails on the sofa.
And if there’s no-one doing the shopping or waiting on your FIL he’ll hopefully move on to someone else.

Time to put all your FIL’s dirty shit in his room and start telling him to his face “This isn’t a fucking hotel and I am not your fucking maid.”

Does he need a doctor to sign off on him being able to fly home?

That man is way too young to be that old. Good for you for telling him to put his own clothes in the washer. He also needs to be told to clean up his mess.

It is your house and the FIL is taking the mickey, supported by your DP. I would not have let it get this far. You do not have to leave your own house. Kick the FIL out and say that the DP can leave too if he supports his awful FIL over his DP and his DC.

And never, ever let the FIL back. He did this to himself.

That is a horrible situation, loosingmymind. I'm so pleased you are going off on a little jaunt with your daughter and leaving the two men to their own devices for a few days. Hopefully your father in law will jet off on Thursday (?tomorrow).

Relax, enjoy yourself and eat well, you're growing a baby and need all your strength.

I can't offer you as you're pregnant but you can have , [cuppa] & .

As people always say on here you have a DP problem not a FIL problem. I would go nato on his arse, tell DH what you’ve done and then leave for a hotel. I had to do this to my DHs Aunty who was basically a mega bitch. I screamed at her to get out of my house. Funny enough since that day she has been meek and mild and a totally different person. Others in the family thanked me and said she had it coming. Stand up to him and your husband. Grow a pair!!

Even if they book a flight, the next available one might not be for a few days.

@loosingmymind90 - what is your "plan" if that's the case? I think I'd still leave for the hotel and let your DP deal with him and the mess.

Are there any friends who live a little way away that you could go and stay nearby so you can enjoy yourself?

you need to tell your DP that he makes his father get in line or you will, and follow thru, when he dumps clothes at your feet very clearly tell him im not your fucken maid, pick your fucken clothes up and put them in the machine yourself... when there is a mess in the kitchen you need to say oi asshole get in here and clean up after your self IM NOT YOUR FUCKEN MAID! and do it with everything, if he makes comments like your fit friends coming over? tell him i asked but they dont want to come look at some dirty old man, when he makes comments about your DP changing a nappy, tell him no hes not being so good he just being a parent, thats what good parents do etc etc, make it so unpleasant that he wants to leave asap... and remind your husband that he could have dealt with him