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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS wants us all to get along?

28 replies

TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 20:41

DSS 13, has never known his parents together. DH and I have a difficult relationship with DSS's mum. Abusive towards us, false claims of bullying etc. When DSS was younger, we all tried to do family things together Christmas, birthday dinners. But the abuse got too much and I withdrew from contact with DSS's mum. Always civil, but generally avoided her. Never nasty or malicious back. We had a tough 12 month period when DSS withdrew from us. But seemed out the other side for the past 8. Now DSS is withdrawing again, siting one of the reasons that he is angry we don't get along better like a proper family.
AIBU to think that DSS needs to accept that we've tried hard, but just can't make it work that the blame isn't always at DH and my door. But maybe with his mother? Or do I need to try to make the relationship work for his sake.
(DH thinks we need to find a way to get along better, but isn't sure what that looks like)

OP posts:
Courtney555 · 15/10/2019 20:44

When he says "you don't get along better like a normal family" can you expand on that?

At 13, and never knowing his parents together, he's got a very clear understanding of who everybody is and their role/place in the family. So what is it particularly that he feels isn't normal and could be improved upon?

mankyfourthtoe · 15/10/2019 20:46

Have you specifically asked dss what that would look like?
Does he understand why his parents broke up and that sometimes people just don't agree on things but everyone loves him?

Jollitwiglet · 15/10/2019 20:48

Please don't try and tell him that some of the blame lies with his mother, it will damage your relationship further. Even if all of the blame lied at her feet, telling the child that will push him away further. Don't play the blame game.

What is it exactly that is upsetting him? That you no longer all do things together? Or is he aware of arguments happening?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2019 20:52

That’s an interesting one. I think you need to dig into what he means.

ChicCroissant · 15/10/2019 20:55

Agree with the PP that you need to ask your DSS what he is expecting there. Is he comparing himself to friends who have separated parents or someone else in the family? Or is it his own idea of what his life should be like? Unless you know, you're not going to stand a chance of matching his ideal (whatever it may be!).

Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 21:07

We think he knows when his DM is pissed with us. He is very protective and won't say a cross word against her.
He was upset last week that DH couldn't take him to football, Ddog just had surgery, or when DH couldn't pick him up unexpectedly from school due to work - feels that DH doesn't put him first, care about him.
He liked it when we all used to do fun things like dinner/family Christmas etc. would like to do those things again. Wants us all to go on holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 21:07

Wants me and his mum to be friends again.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2019 21:09

All of you go on holiday, eg all adults?

Apart from that, it sounds like he’s upset with his dad not doing everything he wants rather than the parents not getting on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2019 21:11

I think 13 is well old enough to be told, and understand, that not everyone can be friends. It’s a bit weird to be honest. Not everyone gets on, he’s not best buds with everyone in his class at school is he, so just explain that while his mum and dad love him they’re not friends and that’s fine.

mankyfourthtoe · 15/10/2019 21:14

He needs to understand that a lot has gone on and everyone is working on getting on better but will never all be one big family.
People don't do a big family holiday.
He has two Christmases and birthdays.
That sometimes grownups have commitments that they can't break, that dh loves him and does the best he can.

Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 21:18

As an only child he's used to a pretty intense relationship with his mum.
Our family dynamic is different and he needs to share attention. He sometimes struggles with that.
DH takes him for a boys trip once a year. We have always invited him on our overseas holiday. But he's never come. Either he hasn't wanted or mum has stopped him, intentionally or not.
We are all going to go away for his birthday LY, but the relationship was at an all time low. So DH took him away instead. I think he feels the only way he'll get a holiday is if we all went.
I think he needs to understand that it's ok for us not to be friends. For my own MH, I need her at a distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 21:24

I feel (and know from the dialogue I have witnessed) that his mum does stuff to 'test DH'
radio silence all week when DH has been trying to contact DSS then message at 2pm .... Can you pick up DSS from school ? (45 mins away) (no emergency her side) knowing fine that DH is at work minimum of 45 mins away. When he says no, it's met with fine I'll find someone who cares. This must filter down to DSS.
Rather than texting in the morning or day prior, then of course someone - me or DH could have arranged something.

OP posts:
Maltay · 15/10/2019 21:50

Sounds really tough, you are not alone dealing with this type of thing. I try and explain it as 'if me and your mum aren't friends that means we cant fall out'. They seem to understand, it's totally appropriate to keep your distance from ex wife. As long as you can talk civilly about the children, and they can see you being amicable and don't bad mouth each other that is the best you can do. It is very frustrating when you suspect the ex wife is bad mouthing you to the step children!

ChicCroissant · 15/10/2019 22:04

Our family dynamic is different and he needs to share attention. He sometimes struggles with that.

Who does he need to share the attention with? Do you have children?

mankyfourthtoe · 15/10/2019 22:12

Does dss have a phone?
Things might be better if he was more independent.
And things need explaining without blame to him.
Ie I was at work today, I can't leave til o'clock, I got a text at 2:45, so had no chance to get you. If I get notice I can work extra another day or ask for a holiday.

Re holidays. I would be upfront with him first. We'd like you to come to Spain with us in July, what do you think, it'll be 7 days etc and in our contact time, so he has all the details. Then ask him what he thinks his mum will say, does he want dh to talk to her or does he want to tell her himself. Explain mum will miss him and he will miss her but that's ok as he'll have fun and buy her a present etc.

He sounds quite immature tbh, I think everything needs pulling apart.

Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 22:36

He has a phone (paid for by us) often will go radio silent. DH tries to mostly communicate directly, but sometimes needs to go via her to get a response.
It's only DSS and his mum, very little contact with friends or close family. They share a bed until recently and still may do, if I'm honest. Same bed time etc.
No children in our house, but lots of family and I'm there (+ puppy) so the focus isn't 100% on him.
Tried that tactic re holiday, got him excited, told him he could talk to mum daily. But he got cold feet. It's pretty much the same this year. Holiday planned, but now he is refusing to even come at access times and we are trying to get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 22:40

@mankyfourthtoe DH does try to explain but he sees that his mum 'drops everything for him' and DH doesn't however the reality it his mum works from home (MLM) 5/10 from school. DH is minimum of 45 away in corporate/client facing role.
But in his eyes mum and dad both work. Mum drops work for me, dad doesn't.
Mum works through the night so she can spend time with me. Dad's work takes him out of the country so he can't take me to practice.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 15/10/2019 22:48

Honestly putting a dog at equal standing to a child / a child needing to share his dad’s time with ‘other family’ is shit. I think the focus needs to be your DH rebuilding his relationship with DS - spending time with him, putting him first for a bit, and you will probably fix all the issues.

Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 22:51

@GrumpyHoonMain the dog isn't put first. But sometimes the dog needs attention!
So how would you suggest DH puts DSS first?

OP posts:
Original poster
TooslowTooquick · 15/10/2019 22:55

@GrumpyHoonMain to use an example....
DH and DSS playing xbox. 'Right come on one more game then the dog needs walking'
DSS doesn't want to walk dog. So what should DH do? Upset DSS, by interrupting play or walk dog?
Both require attention, of course dog isn't a child. But that in my eyes is a usual family situation and normal life ......

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/10/2019 22:59

So he couldn’t take him to football because the dog just had surgery

It sounds like he isn’t as much the focus as he should be tbh of your DH time
Whose family is often there

Drpeppered · 15/10/2019 23:06

They’re not getting on, and then there is openly disliking each other. You say he doesn’t like hearing a bad word said against his mother, are you talking about her negatively in front of him? Sounds like he’s finding all the hatred (from both sides) exhausting and confusing.

ChevalierTialys · 15/10/2019 23:08

Sadly, you're not going to get a lot of support here OP. Stepmums just don't on MN.

Mishfit0819 · 15/10/2019 23:16

He still shares his bed with his mum?! That's mental.

Sorry but I think the mum is (inadvertently?) causing some issues here.

My 'D' M totally influenced how we felt about spending time with our dad once they split and although wouldn't specifically say anything bad about him, she would always talk about how much she done for us etc, it's only as an adult looking back at it that I realise how much she poisoned us against him without actually talking bad about him. Made us feel guilty for the time away with dad by saying how much she missed us and how lonely she'd been etc.

Could something similar be happening here?

Drabarni · 15/10/2019 23:21

Well there's your answer your dh needs to put his son before the bloody dog.
Poor kid, he probably sees normal families with mum and dad together and thinks wtf did I do to deserve this.
Parents need to know what happens to kids when they happen to divorce, it's fucking awful enough without parents not getting on.
I'm not having a go at you OP, you aren't his parent, but they've done a shit job between them.

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