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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do? Job/ life/ baby

30 replies

LemonsLemonsLemonsLemons · 15/10/2019 18:33

Stick or twist? Any opinions welcome. I’m feeling pretty lost. I’m 29, and have a ‘good’ job. I teach at an independent prep school, I walk to work, get #werkperks like free lunch, gym etc. I’m currently earning more than I probably could in another career given my degree and general inclinations - never wanted a corporate job really. (My salary will flatline in a couple of years though, as I don’t want to be a school leader).

And yet...I’m really, really miserable at work. I love the children I teach, but I really don’t like my colleagues and don’t feel like I fit in. I think they’re mean and narrow minded. I take lots of comments personally to the extent I feel I have no resilience left, and one comment can make me feel tearful for the rest of the day. I try to go to work social events and leave feeling hollow and lonely. Everyone irritates me. I feel on edge in the staff room, and any attempt at chit chat always leaves me feeling paranoid about what I’ve said. I don’t have this problem in my personal life at all, and haven’t felt like this in other jobs.

My dilemma: I really want to have a baby with my DP sooner rather than later. The school I’m at has a good maternity package, and I’d be able to go back part time.

But I hate it there. I hate my colleagues. I hate feeling shit and demeaned constantly. I never thought I’d stay in teaching this long. Do I cut my losses and leave at the end of the year, and then try to make it in another career? But then only have a couple of years before TTC? And then what? Go back to that fledgling career with a tiny baby and not really ever give it my all?

Or: stay where I am, TTC within the next year or so, and go on mat leave etc and then return to a comfortable but miserable job? And then probably never be able to change career?

I feel like time’s running out. I’m so unhappy at work despite how it seems like a good place on the surface. I hate having no allies amongst my colleagues. I hate feeling so tired all the time. I do love the children, but the relentlessness of teaching is grinding me down and I really don’t see myself doing it forever.

AIBU to ask: what would you do? I am desperate. Thank you.

OP posts:

PooWillyBumBum · 15/10/2019 18:37

Why do you think you’ll never be able to change career if you go back?

I would TTC, take mat leave, come back and see what it’s like (cultures change/new blood might come in) and if you still hate it leave after the minimum time required for you to not pay back mat pay. You may also find it less miserable when PT and when you have more going on elsewhere so aren’t thinking all day about one comment.

That said, if it’s destroying you, walk now. It’s hard to gauge from a post how much this is affecting you.

KatnissMellark · 15/10/2019 18:38

TTC first if I were you. Hopefully it'll happen quickly then you'll be out of there on mat leave by next academic year. If not you can reassess I'm a few months.

Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2019 18:38

What would I do? I'd TTC now or in the not too distant future, and go on mat leave. Then you've got time off with the baby, and you can think about the future. You might go back for a short while or you might decide at the end of your matleave NOT to go back at all. Look for another job where you'll be happier, or be a SAHM for a while.

ILoveAnOwl · 15/10/2019 18:41

Personally, since having my two work is just a place to go and earn money so we can have a nice life. I teach 3 days a week in a school and it's fine. I go in, do my job, come home again and enjoy the holidays off with my family.

Pre children work was so important to me. I was climbing the SLT ladder, worked really hard etc. Now it's a means to an end.

So I would stay, get your mat leave and see how you feel part time. If you still really hate it, you can look for something else then.

Original poster

LemonsLemonsLemonsLemons · 15/10/2019 18:41

In terms of changing career after, I suppose I’m worried I should be making the most of not having a child at the moment, and so being able to ‘give it my all’ at work/ in a new career now - which I assume will change after having a baby? Or maybe I’m wrong there. Opinions welcome!

OP posts:

Witchinaditch · 15/10/2019 18:45

I’d stay and have a baby and see what it’s like part time. State schools do not have a good maternity package.

steff13 · 15/10/2019 18:46

I personally wouldn't have a baby unless I was married, if I was planning to go back to work part time or not at all. Is that in the cards for you at all?

I think I'd be inclined to look for a new job.

Jesse70 · 15/10/2019 18:53

I would start my family now at least you have a job to pay maternity and a job if you decide to go back or use some of your maternity leave to get another job
To be honest u might want to take some time out after starting a family and then go back to work they do change everything
I planned on going back to work after 6 months and I'm now a SAHM and will be until my DD goes to school
Well that's the plan at the moment
Another thing is once I had a baby I stopped caring what people thought of me it really was all about DD after that so you might find going back to that job no problem

breakfastpizza · 15/10/2019 18:55

How much interaction do you actually have with your colleagues? I'd stop trying to socialise with them full stop. Otherwise it sounds like an ideal job.

In terms of the break room, can you bombard them with inane questions before they start in on you? Then just nod along.

Agree with PP that your perspective may change post-baby.

Springfern · 15/10/2019 18:59

I personally wouldn't have a baby unless I was married -unsolicited

LittleTopic · 15/10/2019 19:00

Could you cope with work whilst, possibly, feeling sick, hormonal or generally rubbish from the pregnancy as well? My workplace and coworkers are fantastic but I spent a lot of time taking things to heart when I was pregnant because of overactive hormones. If you can I’d be inclined to TTC and work out your long term plans whilst on mat leave on a decent package!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2019 19:03

I agree about getting married, especially given certain circumstances. Do you rent, or does only one of you own the home? You need to make sure you are protected financially.

Crabbitstick · 15/10/2019 19:15

Would you teach in the state sector as opposed to complete career change. I teach in a state school and the atmosphere, comaradery sound nothing like your experience. Maybe it's a change of school you need rather than new career.
Maybe that's long term though and now is time for TTC while you have good mat package.

Kiki275 · 15/10/2019 19:15

I hated my job prior to conceiving DS, it just paid the bills. I took the full year off and in that time there was a restructure and a huge turnover in staff. I've gone back p/t and love it now. I'm happy staying and TTC #2 currently. As soon as you get that BFP it's like a switch changes, you look at the job differently and you literally have an internal countdown x

braw · 15/10/2019 19:18

Stay, get the good maternity package, go back for a bit and see where you are. I decided to retrain when I was on mat leave with DD1, I found my priorities changed and I grew up a bit and re-evaluated what was important to me career wise. In the end I retrained when she was a toddler. I still gave my new career my all.

SprinkleDash · 15/10/2019 19:22

The baby might make you more miserable than the job!

Perch · 15/10/2019 19:23

stay in job
Consider marriage
Have baby
Re-evaluate, could you not move schools? The fees discount and school hols with your children is very attractive, or move to a state school? Different prep? Specialist school?

Fuckoffmice · 15/10/2019 19:29

I was TTC in a job I really hated but had a good maternity package.

It took me a while to fall pregnant and I’d switched jobs by then (I hated it that much). I only got SMP at the new job but I am so much happier. Not being able to fall pregnant as quickly as I’d liked and being in a shitty job made me feel extremely unhappy. I fell pregnant within 6 months of starting my new job (whoops).

You don’t know how long it’ll take for you to fall pregnant (hopefully it’ll happen quickly!) but do bear that in mind with whatever decision you make. Good luck!

TheFurminator · 15/10/2019 19:45

I think you need to chill out a little. You aren't even thirty, you have s partner who (presumably) wants to have a baby with you, you have a respectable, reasonably secure well paid job with great benefits, you have a qualification which gives you loads of options - you're a very long way from "desperate"!

Re the other staff,just avoid them all as much as you can and when forced to interact keep it strictly professional. If you do your job well that gives them little chance to put you down.

I would make sure your financial position is such that if your DP took off into s blue smoke the minute the baby was born, you could still manage. All these old duffers saying "make sure you're married first!" Men run off, they die, they wiggle out of their responsibilities one way or another if they're determined to do so. Beyond procreation, best bet is always to keep them in the "nice to have" category, not try and bolt their bank account to your baby.

TheFurminator · 15/10/2019 19:45

Ooh pressed send too soon!

Woodlandwitch · 15/10/2019 19:48

I coped a lot better a job I didn’t love when I worked part time

It’s actually not that bad at all and I do enjoy it which is far better than before

I’m glad I stayed when TTC

I may not be here forever but I can still move jobs if I decide to

behindthescenes · 15/10/2019 19:48

Try a different school? I’ve never taught in the independent sector but I’ve taught in a few secondary schools and have never found my colleagues as a group mean and narrow minded. The working conditions might not be so comfortable in the state sector but I don’t think the maternity pay is too bad in most schools (varies in academies of course). Maybe have the baby and then move if the maternity pay is really good. Teaching varies so much depending on the school. Sounds like you hate your school.

TheFurminator · 15/10/2019 19:49

If you have a baby, you'll give much less of a fuck what your colleagues think of you. I guarantee it. Or anyone else for that matter. You have bigger things to bother about. For some who spent their whole life sensitive and insecure, it's been very liberating for me!! So you may well find going back to work part time post baby is a much more manageable proposition.

The only reason beyond finance I would hesitate to TTC is if you have a particular alternative career in mind which it will be hard or impossible to do with young children if you were on your own. And even then only if you think it would make you happier, long term, than a child.

However, at 29 you could mull this over for another year or two. No mad rush.

PrincessLouis · 15/10/2019 19:49

I wouldn’t change careers from teaching when you want to have a baby as you are about to get into the life stage where the holidays really matter. Same with fee discount if relevant for you. I agree with everyone else, get married, TTC, take the great mat package, see how it is when you come back, if you’re still unhappy move jobs then or TTC #2

Bucatini · 15/10/2019 19:54

I agree with the posters saying TTC first, go on mat leave and then see what happens. Also don't become a SAHM unless you get married first or you will be financially very vulnerable.

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