Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be crying because they don't accept me as a gay woman

46 replies

BigFatTears · 15/10/2019 18:20

Old family friend. I spent so much time in their house growing up, they were like extended family.

My mum is dead (years) and she never met my wife. This person was so close to my mum and seemed to be very fond of us both, the kind of person I thought would always like me.

It doesn't make sense to me because if someone doesn't accept me and my wife then really they are not someone I am interested in anyway. It's not a big deal because I don't live in the place I grew up in anyway so it's not like I see this person. But it really hurts very much just now, I can't even say why, but it's made me feel sick, and has reminded me of family members who became very frosty after I came out to them

OP posts:

Original poster

BigFatTears · 15/10/2019 18:22

I need a (relatively gentle) slap, and to remember that nobody has to like me and it's perfectly ok. It doesn't matter really.

OP posts:

Stuckinanutshell · 15/10/2019 18:24

It isn’t ok. It’s disgusting and outrageous behaviour. It’s cruel, unjust and out of date.

It’s ok that you’re hurt and it’s ok you need to vent about it.

You have a wife and you have moved forward in life. You’re happy and that’s all you need. You don’t need people like this. But I totally understand why you’re hurt and I would be too.

It’s not ok but YOU will be. X

Goawayquickly · 15/10/2019 18:25

You need a hug not a gentle slap, very hurtful for you and I'm sorry.

Sexnotgender · 15/10/2019 18:25

That’s really shit

I’d be upset too

Rockbird · 15/10/2019 18:26

Of course it matters to you. This person is a link to your mum and to your childhood. It's only natural that you'd want their approval. Alas, some people are ignorant. They may change, they may not. Bollocks to them if they don't. But it's totally understandable for you to be upset, don't be hard on yourself.

AgentProvocateur · 15/10/2019 18:26

I’m not going to slap you, gently or otherwise. It DOES matter and it must be horrible to be rejected by someone you care about deeply just because of who you’ve fallen in love with. I suppose you could put it down to an older generation thing, but that’s me being generous. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Applesanbananas · 15/10/2019 18:26

oh that's hurtful. sorry op. What did they say? Are you sure that they are not accepting instead of being awkward as not being familiar with the situation?

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 15/10/2019 18:27

Of course it matters. It's not something that you can help no more than you can help which hand you write with or what colour eyes you have.

I'm sorry that this persons reaction has hurt you. I hear your bravado, but it's alright to feel disappointed and sad and a million other things.

Gentle cwtches.

picklemepopcorn · 15/10/2019 18:30

It says a lot about them, and absolutely nothing about you and your wife.

You know there are ignorant people in the world, it's surprised you that people you thought well of are bigoted. You've moved away from them though, and it really doesn't matter. They may even feel differently if they knew her. People are often different in fact from in their beliefs.

lostonadustyrock · 15/10/2019 18:30

But it is a problem.
I’m not surprised you feel that way. This family friend is putting their ‘principles’ way ahead of their love for you and your partner.

Sorry this person is treating you badly. Homophobia is a shit thing.

messolini9 · 15/10/2019 18:32

These people don't "dislike" you, they dislike your orientation, & are homophobic bigots.
Disappointing & upsetting for you, but a sad reflection on them.

If you had not known them prior to coming out & then met them & their nasty small minded attitudes, you would not want to have anything to do with them. So try to put them from your mind & be glad that you don't have to associate with people who enjoy discriminating & judging their fellow humans like this.

I am so sorry you have been hurt by their ignorance. Keep looking forward, & hug your wife hard tonight xx

mbosnz · 15/10/2019 18:33

You poor love. No slaps from me, just sadness alongside you, and anger that you and your wife face this bigotry. Pity them, for they know not what they do. It's their loss.

Hugs from a Mum of a gay girl who's only sadness when she came out (at the grand old age of 10!) was that I knew she's so likely to face this kind of ignorance and cruelty.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 15/10/2019 18:35

I’m not going to say it’s a generation thing - because it’s just not.

A cousin was gay and his dad was an arse about it but I have a other gay relatives and they haven’t had any problems with family and friends.

They will have other relatives and family friends who are gay - odds on anyway. I wonder if they are dickish about them too. Is it being gay or the gay marriage thing, do you think?

Just as you have have right to feel how you do, I guess they do too - even though it’s wrong and plain daft. You can’t make them accept you - and it’s sad that you have to shut the door on that relationship. But focus on what is important on your life and who/what makes you happy.

There will always be people who don’t approve of any aspect of your life but hey, their loss.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 15/10/2019 18:38

That is horrible OP :(

My cousin is gay and he and his now DH had the most amazing wedding I have ever been too . Lovely people, as are their friends.
None of my DC are gay but I wouldn't care if they were . I would just want them to be happy and safe , and that is it, same as I would wish for a straight child.
for you

pointythings · 15/10/2019 18:43

You don't need a slap and you are allowed to feel hurt. You thought these people were decent and kind and it turns out they're not. They don't deserve you in their lives.

Mentounasc · 15/10/2019 18:50

Of course you're justified in feeling hurt by this - it is hurtful when people you care for reject you,and doubly so when it shows them up to be such pathetic bigots. I think you need to allow yourself a bit of time to grieve for the loss of what you thought you had.

Both my DDs are gay and I know they really appreciate the fact that we accept their partners as much as we would if they were male. Why wouldn't we? Of all the factors to care about, that particular one is just so unimportant. DD1's girlfriend is from a culture where it's not acceptable to be gay/out and there's huge pressure to be (hetero) married, so they're relieved at least one of their families is cool about it. Is your wife's family at least a positive force? It's about creating a substitute family that will support you as you are.

HeyNotInMyName · 15/10/2019 19:01

You don’t need a slap, you need a hug.

That person, and the frosty family members, are twats sorry.
And no you don’t need them in your life but in the other side, she is someone who was/is important to you, someone you love and trusted. And it fucking hurts when someone breaks that trust and shatters that love.
Look after yourself. It sounds like you are grieving that relationship (with good reasons) and it’s always hard.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/10/2019 19:08

I AM going to slap you. After all that ^^ lovely stuff I want to set you off again... with no part of you reliant on the opinion of such bigotted twonks.

SLAP get the out from every corner of your mind. They cannot affect your sense of self worth. Sod 'em

Mummyshark2019 · 15/10/2019 19:12

Sending you hugs.

Choice4567 · 15/10/2019 19:15

It does matter. You matter

They are being a little bit of a plonker.

theoriginalmadambee · 15/10/2019 19:16

Support from me 💐.

Hope they eventually learn to be broadminded. The world don't need bigots.

Breathlessness · 15/10/2019 19:19

I’m sorry. It’s shit. Some people are only nice as long as you stay within the narrow lines of what they consider acceptable.

B00kworm86 · 15/10/2019 19:26

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman, after being married to a man for 10 years. I have faced a bit of upset with certain family members, including my own mum. I understand it's a very big change for them, and I'm happy to give them time to make sense of it, however I do sometimes feel quite upset that my girlfriend hasn't been ’accepted’ as of yet. Once my Mum gets to know her, she will absolutely adore her, she's wonderful and treats me like a Princess, however I do think it might be quite sometime before that happens.
It's not okay that this still happens, it's wrong and I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.

Slappadabass · 15/10/2019 19:29

You have every right to be upset, how they feel is ridiculous, stupid and outdated and says nothing about you and everything about them. I can see why you are so upset, I would be too.
I hope you have lots of other people around you that are accepting and loving to you and your wife.

EssentialHummus · 15/10/2019 19:30

It says a lot about them, and absolutely nothing about you and your wife.

This. I'm sorry OP and wish you and your wife all the best .

Flip

1 2