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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be crying because they don't accept me as a gay woman

46 replies

BigFatTears · 15/10/2019 18:20

Old family friend. I spent so much time in their house growing up, they were like extended family.

My mum is dead (years) and she never met my wife. This person was so close to my mum and seemed to be very fond of us both, the kind of person I thought would always like me.

It doesn't make sense to me because if someone doesn't accept me and my wife then really they are not someone I am interested in anyway. It's not a big deal because I don't live in the place I grew up in anyway so it's not like I see this person. But it really hurts very much just now, I can't even say why, but it's made me feel sick, and has reminded me of family members who became very frosty after I came out to them

OP posts:

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 15/10/2019 19:30

And now I am crying because that might have happened to my lovely daughter, if I had died and not been there to care about her. Thank god none of my friends has slapped her in the face like that, as far as I know, but oh I do feel for you.

It is definitely understandable to feel desolate and disappointed, but please, please, don't ever feel that you are in any way wrong or of any less worth just because someone else is a fool. Cry as you would for any bereavement, and then go on with your own life and let the sorrow fade.

BlackSwan · 15/10/2019 19:34

It's sheer ignorance. I personally think it would be cathartic to tell them you're disappointed they're so small minded and bigoted.

stucknoue · 15/10/2019 19:35

Of course it hurts. We can make excuses like it's generational but it's homophobic and wrong. You need a big hug and to know that you deserve to be loved unconditionally. We proudly flew the rainbow flag for the first time this year for pride from our church - the proposer was a lady of 82 who came out in the meeting a few weeks prior - she had lived her own and never admitted her feelings before. I feel sad that she didn't have the happiness we deserve but proud that we live in an age where people are free (in this country) to love whoever they want.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 15/10/2019 19:36

A hug. That is indeed what you need.

Not everyone likes us, nor do they need to. Nor do they need to accept who we are or how we live our lives. But it surely hurts when they actively do neither of the former.

We can but hope that the example we lead by will create better outcomes for those coming up now.

and best wishes to be happy. That's all there is, really.

Elbowedout · 15/10/2019 19:37

I am sorry you are going through this. You are not being unreasonable but they are. It is horrid when someone you care about treats you badly, especially when you have a lot of shared history and the link to your mum must make it especially hard.
Their behaviour reflects badly on them, not you of course. I am sure that intellectually you know that, but it doesn't stop your emotional response. It is very easy to tell you that they aren't worth it and not to let it bother you but I am sure it is not at all easy for you to do that. It is terribly sad when people turn against someone in this way. You are still the same person that you have always been and your sexuality should have no bearing on your relationship with them. I hope they come to realise that one day.

Bamboo15 · 15/10/2019 19:42

A terrible situation OP, and this is definitely about them not you..... but on that.

Maybe try and identify where their behaviour comes from. They are probably someone watching you grow up imagining the wedding to a Prince Charming never considering it would be a princess. They probably don’t know, or mix with any gay people and do not know how to process the fact that you’re gay, or how to manage the feelings they have about, what is for them, really unexpected and confusing life choices. They may (given the age I’m guessing them to be) have lived through a time when being gay was actually an imprisonable act, which seems ludicrous to us now. They love you, no doubt about that, so try not to see it as a rejection of you, more that they are really struggling to handle this so they are shutting it out and being unable to engage.

Of course none of this is on you, this reaction and the adjustment needed is for them to own and manage. Would you feel brave enough to suggest a lunch to talk about it with them, how happy you are, how it’s something you feel is natural and right and ask why they are feeling so negative about it? Sometimes giving them a chance to talk about how they’re feeling might help you to get a handle on the root cause of the behaviour from their side and fine a way to move on?

JudefromJersey · 15/10/2019 19:44

I’ll give you a gentle slap to remind you that you don’t need assholes like that in your life. I imagine from your perspective it’s disappointment as much as anything else, that people who you thought loved you like family in fact have shown themselves to be people you essentially don’t know at all. I’m sorry for your loss, OP, because in someways that’s what it is. But you’ve got your wife and this merely reflects them and their beliefs, not you.

impossible · 15/10/2019 19:47

It does matter and it's not ok. It's sad and disappointing and you are right to have a good cry. It's hard to understand why someone would behave in this way but I'm afraid it speaks volumes about your old friend's lack of empathy and good sense. You will have to let them go, at least for the time being.

You are making your own family now and and your wife and friends are the ones who will carry you forward (as you will carry them forward). Keep the possibility of communication with this old friend open but don't make any concessions. They may reconsider but if not it's their loss. They will just be a little more isolated.

Sometimes we lose people along the way because we find we are just too different to get on. Let this friend go if you need to and cherish your relationships you have with people who accept you for yourself.

nobigotsallowed · 15/10/2019 19:53

I'm sorry, OP. Unfortunately I can relate. It hurts like hell when you're not accepted by someone you care for and you look up to.

We can all say it's their problem, not yours, it exposes them for who they really are etc, but it doesn't stop you feeling absolutely horrible.

I don't really have advice. I'm just posting to say that I understand

HermioneWeasley · 15/10/2019 20:04

Hugs.

It hurts

NationMcKinley · 15/10/2019 20:20

My granny never met my fab DH but she would Not Have Approved in the slightest as he’s not white and she was a right old racist (even bigger).

I know it’s completely irrational but it bugs the hell out of me even though she’s been dead for over 35 years. He’s bloody ACE to me and our DC but I still find myself cross about the fact she’d have blatantly pretended he didn’t exist.

I suppose my point is that we cannot always expect people to behave as they should. I feel for you OP, really I do. I won’t slap you, but I will pour or make you and your wife the drink of your choice and listen to you both. It’s really not fair or acceptable to act the way your “friend” did

(I’m really really tired so this post may be a load of old bollocks!)

Troilusworks · 15/10/2019 20:21

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. . We really want our loved ones to accept us for who we are. Unfortunately, some people just aren't willing or able to do that. It says everything about them and nothing at all about you. You sound like a good person in a loving relationship. I'd be so happy for my friends/children/family to have that. Someone who can't think that way has something wrong with them.

CakeAndGin · 15/10/2019 20:22

Of course nobody has to like you but they shouldn’t use who you love as a reason to dislike you.

Of course it’s a big deal. You want your relationship recognised and acknowledged the same as any other relationship and that is more than fair.

I’m sorry they’re a dick.

81Byerley · 15/10/2019 20:23

I'm so, so sorry. This is very hurtful, and you definitely need a hug .

mrwalkensir · 15/10/2019 20:27

it hurts because she's forgetting everything that she knows about you (ie the lovely girl that she saw grow up) and is treating you as a label/object. ie she's being completely illogical. Sending love too xxxxx

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2019 20:28

There are plenty of fantastic reasons not to like someone. Maybe they slurp their tea, or don't use properly boiling water to make it. Maybe they say "irregardless" or don't know the difference between their, there and they're. Maybe, heaven forfend, they wear crocs.

But sexuality isn't a reason to dislike someone. So bollocks to them. You don't need them.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/10/2019 20:56

Absolutely no slap forthcoming. It's not OK and you have every right to feel the way you do.

It must be so very disappointing to have had this reaction from someone you held in high esteem. I hope that in time they come to see that love is love but whatever happens hold your head high and be proud of who you are

RhubarbTea · 15/10/2019 21:06

I've been there, it's horrible. They are a link to your past, to your family and you must so want to feel accepted and cherished by them. To feel that grating dissonance and shock of knowing they are not 'on your side' with this is very saddening and you are completely normal to feel upset and hurt. I'm so sorry that some people are like this. It's depressing. Massive hugs from me.

FeeLock28 · 15/10/2019 21:08

BigFatTears
Like all the others say, you don't need a slap, you need a hug and a reminder that this isn't going to be the only time you encounter this. It's why so many LGBT+ people move away from small towns to cities and, often, Brighton. Unfortunately, even there there's the inevitable Clutching At Pearls Brigade.

As you've found your soulmate, you are so lucky. Love her, build your life with her, and, most importantly, be happy.

IloveCuke · 15/10/2019 21:40

Dear OP

This is a huge loss for you, I'm sending you lots of hugs and definitely no slaps. When someone is very important to you in this way and where you share so much history with them, it is not easy to just let go and move on.

I think you need to allow yourself to grieve. If it becomes overwhelming then ask for help - from your wife, your friends and if need be an LGBT helpline or counselling service. Of course, there is also the possibility your old family friend may come round in time. If so, only you can decide whether you can forgive them and allow them back into your life.

I am also a gay woman and feel that it's important to recognise that despite many positive changes in LGBT rights in recent years there still is discrimination and it still impacts our lives. It's ok to acknowledge that. I'm so sorry you're going through this...

take care xx

SleepingStandingUp · 16/10/2019 19:30

It isn't ok OP and whislt no one has to like you, to base that decision on you loving / having sex with a woman is shitty x

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