If my ex partner pays child maintenance does it mean that he never has to buy anything for our child?

[childmaintenance]

Just a question really...

I receive child maintenance for our DC. I have DC full time. My ex sees our DC when he can but because of work it's quite sporadic. Our split is amicable.

On the occasions he does have our DC they often go shopping for him. I sometimes ask... can you pick DC a new book / crayons / socks if you pass any or DC is really into building at the moment you could pick up some more Lego if you want etc. He generally doesn't object. Sometimes he comes back with items sometimes he doesn't. And what I ask for is generally low value and I don't mind if he doesn't get them.

DC stays with me not dad so all possessions live at our house.

I wonder whether I AIBU asking this? I buy all of DCs essentials (clothes, toys, wrap around school care) and beyond ... swimming, dance and music lessons with no additional contribution.

I get the feeling that if you are receiving child maintenance your ex is absolved of buying anything for DC? Am I right?

Don't know any other single parents so would be gratefully for everyone's thoughts.

By shopping I mean for ex not DC. Ex likes going to eateries and browsing the shops.

Nobody has to buy things for a child.

Maintenance is his contribution to her living costs, I think it's a bit cheeky to ask him to buy stuff for her 'if he fancies it' but if he is doing it then carry on.

It probably seems cheeky to me because my DCs dad and my own Dad would tell me to fuck off if I asked them to buy a nice thing just 'because I/they would like to have it'

It's up to each individual adult what they do.

If he's happy doing it then don't abuse it.

I think every arrangement is different but with dd aged 16 (who’s dad and I have been separated since she was 6 months old) I generally only ask for “big” stuff contributions that are out of ten ordinary. So stuff like half prom expenses, half the cost of a laptop she needed for college, half the travel costs for an event she wanted to go to etc etc. Day to day stuff I don’t ask him for, and if she goes to see him he might treat her to a few things maybe. We are quite relaxed about it. I don’t feel bad asking for extra money for one off stuff as to be honest he should really be paying a lot more in maintenance but that’s another thread entirely! (Own company, cash in hand, living overseas etc).

Thanks for the honest response. I felt I was being cheeky!

I should add though you haven't mentioned him complaining so maybe he doesn't see it as cheeky and allegedly some men enjoy spending on their kids.....I think I heard that somewhere

My sister is no longer with her DDs dad and he pays maintenance and nothing else ever He never treats her to anything , he never offers to help with additional costs that crop up like birthday parties. He never takes her on holiday although he seems to manage a summer holiday for himself and his girlfriend. My sister asked him once to buy some vests but he declined and said “ that’s what I pay maintenance for”. Why would you want to be that parent who would see your child go without? Personally I think he’s a prick

I get the feeling that if you are receiving child maintenance your ex is absolved of buying anything for DC? Am I right?

Nah I don’t think that generally the case. I would say whoever receives maintenance should buy most things yes especially when they also receive the child benefit etc too. But that doesn’t mean to say the parent who is paying maintenance should never buy anything else.

My stbx pays maintenance but also pays half towards all extras, so his ex doesn’t get a bad deal really. He also gives dsc monthly spending money. He doesn’t like being told what treats to buy though because that’s optional especially when dsc gets spending money (14 year old).

Child maintenance is the minimum legal obligation to contribute towards a child. If he is happy to pay for additional bits and pieces, I don't think you are cheeky to ask. He doesn't have to, but if he's happy to, less financial burden for you and your child gets what they want/need. Good result all around.

We definitely have an odd situation. He pays full maintenance always has so can't complain. I love having DC all the time wouldn't want it any other way. He sees DC when possible. I am probably being a little grabby because he's essentially outsourcing all the responsibility and occasionally I get mad about that (keep it to myself though).

Also navigating what is reasonable extras. For example I pay all extra activity costs.. I never even thought of asking for a contribution. We're not at the stage of big extras yet.

I am conflicted.. I am definitely not perfect. As an ex it's sometimes hard to figure out if you're behaving good or badly because of the emotions involved!

It is the legal minimum contribution and dads often think it absolves them of further costs. My XH flat out refuses to contribute to anything else, I don't provide anything for the kids on his weekends as it never comes back/ends up ruined so he has to provide a whole weekend and holiday wardrobe. I hardly think asking a dad to buy socks is anything out of the ordinary, my DP - not the kids dad will pick up odds and sods like this and I don't pay him back.

I get the feeling that if you are receiving child maintenance your ex is absolved of buying anything for DC? Am I right?

Depends on what he actually pays. In most cases, maintenance is only enough for basic living costs, often not even that. Unless he's complaining or refusing, I'd leave it alone!

In a man's world yes, unless forced to do otherwise.
My BIL's ex brought him to court, she now gets half the school expenses and half Christmas expenses with proof of receipts.
Dsis and BIL get proof backed up for each receipt before any payment is made. Awful behaviour.

BIL hasn't seen his DC in 15 years so no extra costs for visitation.
Dont know if it makes a difference to paying extra expenses.

Maintenance is supposed to cover all living costs, it obviously definitely doesn’t but that’s the general consensus. It is nice when they buy additional things on top of maintenance but sadly not mandatory.

My ex sees our three DC for around eight hours a week so not even over night and he pays £220 a month. He’s never bought anything extra. Their birthday and Christmas gifts stay at his house so they can only use them for his eight hours a week slot. Ridiculous but I can’t do anything about it.

Would the maintenance actually cover his half of all the kids expenses, sports, hobbies, etc etc on top of basic living expenses clothes shoes etc? Probably not unless he's paying a fortune

@raspberryk I'm really sorry to read your post. That must be awful to deal with.

@AryaStarkWolf I haven't actually added all the costs up. But I'd say it was reasonably fair. I am probably entitled to more maintenance but some of his income is hidden.. and I agreed not to take that into account when sorting out child maintenance if I received I larger portion of our asset split to enable me to put a deposit down on a house.

I think like some of the other posters have said.. he buys DC nothing or something unsuitable.. so I try and direct him to areas he can contribute if he would like. Small toys, items of clothing maybe a suggested trip (petting zoo, soft play etc)

My ex pays me £500 a month for one DC and still buys DS extras when he is with him (toys and clothes to keep at his house etc). I pay for all DS's extra curriculars and DS lives with me 85% of the time.

Legally, maintenance is the only obligation.

But that doesn’t mean it’s fair, of course co-parents can make their own decisions.

You can’t state a black and white rule. If maintenance literally is only enough to cover food and lodging and both parents would like their child to do swimming lessons - then it’s fine to suggest sharing that cost. If one parent wants to sign the child up for multiple expensive hobbies that the other parent isn’t bothered about - that’s not fair. Relative income matters too - if you’re asking a higher earning parent to pay for an extra, there is nothing wrong with that. Legally they can say no, but if they can afford it and it’s a reasonable request - they should say yes, and it’s fine to ask. A good example would be a school residential trip at £300. Legally no obligation, but any decent parent would pay half or pay proportionately to income.

Just carry on making your own decisions. You are the best judge of what is fair in your particular situation.

I think he is lucky you didn't take him for more maintenance and I think you have him over a barrel in this case, no wonder he doesn't begrudge small items.
I would collar him for half of extra curricular and trips if you can.

Thanks @Ellisandra that is good advice.

Thank you mumsnetters for the sanity check.

As I said in the previous post sometimes I worry about whether I am thinking clearly due to all the emotions involved. I really appreciate all your honest advice 😘

I let my ex know if DD has a fancy for certain things. He can choose to buy or not buy and he knows that. He likes to buy things for DD and as she lives predominantly with me I tend to know what she wants / needs. I don't expect him to buy boring stuff for her and provide clothes / shoes / etc.. However he often gets her new clothes or toyes - he is her Dad. He treats her like his kid. That involves buying her little gifts or treating her to nice days out and such-like.

I think if he's paying the CSA minimum then he ought to buy 'extras'. If he was giving you lots of additional money then you would have no moral right to expect him to buy more, although most parents do like to treat their kids to nice things when they can. I expect you buy your DC more than the necessary basics because that's what good parents do!
You had a greater share of assets because you are housing the child and he isn't. Already you are doing the bulk of the parenting and I doubt he is meeting the bulk of the costs. Even if he was paying 50% he's not doing 50% of the work involved. So I don't consider your request to be unreasonable.

Your ex doesn’t have to buy anything for the children if he pays maintenance but most dads would. I mean, if you were still together he would be spending out a lot more raising the kids, the non resident parent has it easy. My partner (DS’s stepdad spends out a more raising DS Than his dad does). So I think dads should buy their children odd things.

My ex gives me maintenance but literally doesn’t have to spend much else on DS. He lives with me, I buy all clothes, shoes, uniform etc etc. He barely has him so doesn’t have to feed him or anything.