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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP a CF or AIBU? Money

29 replies

MeOrDP · 14/10/2019 18:24

I live in rented accommodation with my DP and our two DC. I work PT as our youngest is just 6months and DP worked full time until he got the sack a few weeks ago. He had an argument with a colleague, both raised their voices and foul language was used. Disciplinary - dismissed.

The way we did things would be for DP to pay the rent and I would pay the bills, food, kids stuff, sky, gas, electric - everything else.

We always kept our finances separate, no joint account. Both happy with that.

No savings unfortunately, living quite close to the breadline. His wages were NMW and mine are just above.

DP received his final payment from work after being dismissed and it was £200 short of the rent. I offered to add the £200 but said I need it back as soon as he gets work because it had come from living expenses needed for utilities etc.

Meanwhile he gets a job interview then trial day and it all looks positive, just waiting to hear back.

He got some cash in hand work from a friend today, gets given a sum in cash (don't know how much yet as he's not home but at least £100 - three separate jobs with his friend in a day so he's been busy) and he texts me to say he's been tipped £30 and the £30 is all mine.

So basically he's wanting to keep the cash in hand money to himself for god knows what despite owing me £200 that i need to spend on utilities groceries etc, whilst I continue to carry him and pay for everything - but I can have the £30 tip.

AIBU or is he being a CF

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/10/2019 18:25

Yanbu

He's irresponsible as well for getting sacked in the first place.

Original poster
MeOrDP · 14/10/2019 18:29

Yes I agree, we've had rows where I have said the same. His conduct has put us in the red so I have little patience for additional CFery

OP posts:
RedskyLastNight · 14/10/2019 18:32

Has he actually said he's keeping the cash in hand money? Could he be meaning he's giving you all the tip as well?

Original poster
MeOrDP · 14/10/2019 18:33

I would be very surprised if he meant he was giving me the whole lot, I really don't think so knowing him but i will update when he's home and see what he says.

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 14/10/2019 18:34

Could he mean that the £30 is to spend on yourself whereas the other Money will be for the bills

june2007 · 14/10/2019 18:34

I would wait to here how much he has gotbecause you don't know what other work he has to soe and may need more to pay the resnt. Take the thirty and say you have you have not forgotten the rest.Or can he give you half and he keep half?

Lex234 · 14/10/2019 18:35

He has got it a bit backward if he does just mean the tip, I would have thought wahes would go into bill pot and the tip is for him to keep!

Lulualla · 14/10/2019 18:38

Maybe he's keeping the money for the next rent payment?
He could give it to you, but then need to borrow it again when rent is due.

Ask him if it's going into the "paying rent" pot before you get angry. He can pay you back when he gets a job but the rent will need paying no matter what.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/10/2019 18:39

The entire wage plus tip needs to go into the family pot- it’s rent money - as before- he always paid rent. Except he didn’t have enough so borrowed it from you until he earns more. Now he’s earned more he needs to hand it over. What exactly is he planning to do with it otherwise whisky unemployed and his family living on the breadline? Confused does he see this as “extra” money just for him?

Original poster
MeOrDP · 14/10/2019 18:47

The reason I'm sceptical he plans to give me the lot is because two years ago when he was underpaid I leant him 200 or 250 for his side of the rent (we split the rent between us then as I worked full time at that point) and I only ever saw £100 of that back.

Never a mention of the remaining 100 or 150.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/10/2019 18:50

Never a mention of the remaining 100 or 150.

Why didn’t you keep asking him for it until it was repaid?

Troilusworks · 14/10/2019 18:59

He seems to have turned you into the 'responsible' one who makes sure everything gets paid while he behaves like a child, trying to get out of doing his share. An adult should make themselves equally responsible.

I have been a SAHM in the past but even then I have always made sure I am equally responsible for budgeting as well as doing most of the parenting and the housework. When I was left money it went into the family pot. If my dh had lost his job, I would have gone out to get work myself. Because that is what adults do. I'd be very frustrated with your husband, giving you all the mental load.

TheMustressMhor · 14/10/2019 19:08

So despite the fact that he form for this kind of thing, you failed to get married and actually had another child with him?

That was as irresponsible as his behaviour (the behaviour which got him sacked in the first place.)

RedskyLastNight · 14/10/2019 19:10

I think your automatic assumption that he will do the "wrong" thing speaks volumes. Why are you with him?

Juells · 14/10/2019 19:22

Getting sacked when you're living week to week :( I'd be royally pissed off.

So despite the fact that he form for this kind of thing, you failed to get married and actually had another child with him?

That's a bit mean. Seems to me it's just as well she didn't marry him.

KarmaStar · 14/10/2019 19:30

@themustressMhor,there was no need for that comment!
The op has enough to worry about without spiteful remarks.

Travis1 · 14/10/2019 19:38

What is he bringing to your life at the moment? I’m
Not saying LTB as such but you need to set your standards. He should be handing the full £130 to you. It’s not like he needs it for shopping or travel to work. I hope he’s applied for UC in the meantime?!

DriftingLeaves · 14/10/2019 19:38

I'd pack for him. What pleasure does he bring to your life?

HeyNotInMyName · 14/10/2019 19:41

He is a CF.
And you need much stronger boundaries. Otherwise you are going to be left with nothing

Original poster
MeOrDP · 14/10/2019 19:41

I knew the "why did you have children with this man" brigade would be out. So very helpful. I have no inclination to derail the thread with uppity judgement. As if there isn't enough shit in the world people feel the need to stick the knife in Confused

I digress, he's back.

I asked how much he was paid and he said he doesn't know yet, I asked how could that be and he said because the boss pays everybody on Fridays and he wasn't on the same job as the boss so hasn't seen him.

I said so have you got work for the rest of the week and he said he doesn't know yet because he hasn't heard from the boss. He'll probably get a call from him later.

He last worked with the bloke last week, just the one job and came back with £50 cash in hand on the day. I presume the boss was on the same job that day.

Quite confusing why he would have to wait until Friday to be paid with the rest of the men when it's a one-off thing.

Without being specific it's a labouring type role.

He's given me the £30 which he got from the client in cash as a tip

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 14/10/2019 19:46

Doesn't seem fair that you are paying all that in the first place as you are PT and presumably just had mat leave? I dont understand separate finances when you have kids. Every penny you both earn goes towards your family eventually surely? If you are lucky enough to have some disposable income left over you split it equally. The only reason to hold onto cash for yourself is if you want your own luxuries for yourself and people who can't pay their rent shouldn't have luxuries

RedskyLastNight · 14/10/2019 19:48

So from your last post - he's given you all the money he actually has?
Which is surely a good thing? But you clearly don't trust him to give you the rest - which is a worry for your relationship.

Original poster
MeOrDP · 14/10/2019 19:49

Yes just come off mat leave.

If I were able to work FT then I would be doing, I'm recovering from a life threatening illness so I'm immunosuppressed and weak. I can just about manage PT not that I have a choice now.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/10/2019 19:50

One problem is (beside all the above) that the bills fluctuate - ie go up - whereas rent tends to stay the same. A fixed bill is always easier to deal with than a bunch of fluctuating bills.

He sounds very immature and selfish, tbh.

Original poster
MeOrDP · 14/10/2019 19:52

The reason I was concerned is because he's bad with money, something that didn't show itself until we lived together.

In a relationship for 4 years before living together, never showed any signs of being bad with money, no debt etc, moved in together when we conceived DC1 (planned) then it became apparent he can't manage money well.

I however am not bad with money, nor could i predict things turning out the way they have, so there was no reason for me to doubt having our second.

OP posts:
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