To think if she wants to play top trumps with surgery I bloody win!!!

[Thinkingoutloud13]

So back history DH ex is constantly asking us to have kids more, help her out with drop off, childcare for last minute weekends away (currently away on 3rd holiday this year with out children). We have kids 50/50- 3 nights one week and 4 the next in holidays exactly the same with 9.00am drop off either way so it’s split exactly. Ex claims all child benefit and tax credits for both even when away.
I have major surgery in Nov which will need at least 8 weeks off work the weekend after my surgery my children are going to there dads as due to the day of surgery I will more than likely if everything goes well be home the Friday. We are scheduled to have DH children that week and take them to school the Friday morning with EX collecting (normal routine) which is fine. Ex now has day surgery for haemorrhoid banding the Thursday so has stated we HAVE to have the kids the Friday, the weekend and the days that are not ours that following week as she needs a week off work so can not have her children- they are 7 and 11 if that helps!
DH has told her I am having a major operation which is why my children are staying an extra weekend at there dads and he is taking the weekend off work to care for me. She is now creating all sorts of drama and stress (phoned from abroad 10 times to DH today alone) how he will be fit and well and her surgery is also major so he HAS to have the kids. On our set days I have no problem with the kids coming but feeling her ‘major’ surgery isn’t actually major surgery and on her days she needs to sort her own childcare problems.
Last time we had this she turned up at our house and saw we were in and sent the kids in and drive of 5 hours early so we had to cancel our afternoon plans. This is really stressing me out and causing me huge anxiety as I am scared enough about this operation and now feel I won’t even get a few days rest at home. DH takes to ignoring her constant calls and texts but then she just does it like the dropping off 5 hours early. Not sure if I am venting or asking for advice how to handle?

[Thinkingoutloud13]

She didn’t actually ask us to have them she said you HAVE to have them. DH told her she needs to ask her family as there school is 40 mins to an hour away from hospital depending on traffic and discharge could be anytime.
She is constantly difficult we were given 5 days notice for this holiday of 2 weeks so 1 week of her time which has really messed with his work schedule- I work shifts and they are at a different school to mine so I can’t get them if I am off.

[slipperywhensparticus]

No the childrens father is not having surgery he is looking after his partner who is having major surgery just as her partner can look after her actually she can rearrange her minor op and try to help out for once

[Billben]

Sorry, but she is taking the piss.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

But the children's father isn't available. This isn't some EOW arrangement and it's unfair on OP's DH to be judges as though that's all the access he has.

[Thinkingoutloud13]

Her partner is not having his children that weekend which is his weekend (he has them EOW) so he can look after her and she can rest So to me that sounds double standards as he isn’t having an operation either

[Troilusworks]

The children's father isn't having an operation but he's looking after someone with PTSD who is having major surgery. And that trumps someone with day surgery. Stop projecting your situation onto the OP's.
Her DH is not some feckless git who couldn't care less and isn't involved with the kids.

[Thinkingoutloud13]

I will add when i am in hospital on the days we have his children we have sorted child care and collections as required - that person is away the weekend so can not help further and I would never expect my DH not to have the kids on the days they are due here due to my operation it’s only her days that we haven’t sorted I have issue with

[TragicallyUnbeyachted]

It's not about whose surgery is more severe. The point is your dhs children are his responsibility. If their mum can't have them then he has to.

Sure. But their mum can have them. She's having day surgery on the Thursday and will be perfectly capable of looking after two KS2/3 children by Friday evening. She just doesn't want to.

[GPatz]

'Stop projecting your situation onto the OP's'.

And what situation is that then? I'm not having surgery and am married. It was my initial opinion. I am now reconsidering it in light of what others are now saying.

[Wheresthebeach]

She's demanding, rather than asking and frankly hassling you as well with constant calls so she's a right pain.

Its her job to sort, your DH needs to stick to his guns here and tell her to make other arrangements. She just sounds like she enjoys creating drama. 8 weeks recovery is major, her's is minor.

[CharityConundrum]

I hope the kids don't realise all this is going on, nobody wanting them.

That's a bit unfair. If I have a chance to go out and my husband already has plans so I ask my regular babysitter who says that they can't do that night, nobody would say 'poor kids, nobody wants them'.

[Smelborp]

I would make it clear she needs to find alternative childcare and your DH will not be at home as he’ll potentially be at the hospital so it won’t be possible to leave the children at all. Get it in writing.

[HigherFurtherFasterBaby]

She’s taking the piss.

[simplekindoflife]

YANBU.Tell her the same as she told your DH last year. Your days, your responsibility.

"CF Ex, the kids obviously come first and I always try to help out over and above the scheduled arrangements but this time I really really can't. OP is having really major surgery and the doctors have said she will have a long recovery time. I have no idea how long we'll be in hospital, all depends how the op goes. Obviously this will be a very stressful and worrying time for both of us, so we've made childcare arrangements for her dc to incorporate this. I've heard your op is quite routine and treated as a day patient so you might actually be ok! My friend got the bus home and looked after her dc afterwards, so it might not be as bad as you think. But if you're worried about it and you really can't find childcare, I'd suggest rearranging your appointment. I'd be happy to help out any other time with this, out of my set days if necessary. But on this date, I really can't help. I'm sure you understand."

[Thinkingoutloud13]

That is an amazing reply I really think a copy and paste is needed

[EKGEMS]

You can talk hypothetically all you want AmIThough but the reality is she's having major surgery after a traumatic postoperative event in her life and she shouldn't have to deal with additional stress

[AmIThough]

@EKGEMS unfortunately that's just what happens when you marry a man with other children.

It is shit and I do feel for OP in the sense that the ExW is apparently taking the piss, although we don't know if she is without knowing her side.

But I would be pissed off if DP prioritised me over our child, or if we split I'd be pissed off if he prioritised anybody else.
I just think it's really sad that the adults all seem to feel that they're more important than the children.

[MulticolourMophead]

AmIThough there are times when it's right to prioritise an adult.

[Userzzzzz]

I think she’s taking the piss. She wasn’t unreasonable to ask but knowing you have major surgery, she is unreasonable to insist on it. If she doesn’t work, she can reschedule her day case for any time if she can’t do childcare on her days. Also why is her partner not stepping up to look after the kids during their contact time?

[JassyRadlett]

But I would be pissed off if DP prioritised me over our child, or if we split I'd be pissed off if he prioritised anybody else.

Gosh. Must tell DH he shouldn’t have dropped our eldest at a friend’s to stay with me in labour with our youngest.

And going out for our anniversary and getting a babysitter was clearly a terrible, terrible mistake.

God forbid our kids learn empathy, eh?

[ChilledBee]

She needs to arrange her own childcare for that time.

[AmIThough]

@JassyRadlett clearly you're allowed to get a babysitter ffs
My point is the kids should come first.

[Vulpine]

Agree with amithough. Surely adults should be able to work out a reasonable compromise that suits all

[JassyRadlett]

clearly you're allowed to get a babysitter ffs hmm
My point is the kids should come first.”

But that is exactly your point. There is no benefit to my kids from us going out to dinner. They’d vastly prefer it if I stayed home. We are putting us first, for a much poorer reason than ‘major surgery, potentially unpredictable recovery, may still be in hospital or being discharged’.

Similarly there was no benefit to my four year old to staying with friends for 24 hours while I was giving birth. He found it stressful and upsetting. I could have given birth alone or with a friend, but we made the decision that in that scenario, I came first.

You do your kids a massive disservice if they aren’t taught at an appropriate age that sometimes other people’s needs and wants come first.

[MrsSpenserGregson]

OP, YANBU at all. Good luck with your surgery.