To think if she wants to play top trumps with surgery I bloody win!!!

[Thinkingoutloud13]

So back history DH ex is constantly asking us to have kids more, help her out with drop off, childcare for last minute weekends away (currently away on 3rd holiday this year with out children). We have kids 50/50- 3 nights one week and 4 the next in holidays exactly the same with 9.00am drop off either way so it’s split exactly. Ex claims all child benefit and tax credits for both even when away.
I have major surgery in Nov which will need at least 8 weeks off work the weekend after my surgery my children are going to there dads as due to the day of surgery I will more than likely if everything goes well be home the Friday. We are scheduled to have DH children that week and take them to school the Friday morning with EX collecting (normal routine) which is fine. Ex now has day surgery for haemorrhoid banding the Thursday so has stated we HAVE to have the kids the Friday, the weekend and the days that are not ours that following week as she needs a week off work so can not have her children- they are 7 and 11 if that helps!
DH has told her I am having a major operation which is why my children are staying an extra weekend at there dads and he is taking the weekend off work to care for me. She is now creating all sorts of drama and stress (phoned from abroad 10 times to DH today alone) how he will be fit and well and her surgery is also major so he HAS to have the kids. On our set days I have no problem with the kids coming but feeling her ‘major’ surgery isn’t actually major surgery and on her days she needs to sort her own childcare problems.
Last time we had this she turned up at our house and saw we were in and sent the kids in and drive of 5 hours early so we had to cancel our afternoon plans. This is really stressing me out and causing me huge anxiety as I am scared enough about this operation and now feel I won’t even get a few days rest at home. DH takes to ignoring her constant calls and texts but then she just does it like the dropping off 5 hours early. Not sure if I am venting or asking for advice how to handle?

[Binglebong]

It might be an idea to tell all the kids together that the surgery is going to make things difficult and you will need a few days of just the two of you to recover. She sounds like she would play the "Dad doesn't want you card" to his kids so if you've told them your kids the same at the same time it should be clearer to them that it's not he doesn't want them, it's that you can't manage any children.

[Troilusworks]

What a ridiculous notion AmIThough. Firstly a day or two being looked after by someone other than their mother or father does not adversely affect children. What happens when they go to school for goodness sake? But in this case why should the father put the children first but not the mother? Your logic is all twisted. She is not having a long planned major operation. She also has a partner who can help out. And she is demanding her exH changes their contact time to suit her. It is quite clear who is being unreasonable.

OP is having a MAJOR operation and needs someone present.

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

She’s being unreasonable.

She should be able to rely on the access arrangement going forward and it will be up to your dh to arrange childcare or help so he can help you then.

She’s entitled to ask can he help above and beyond that- he’s entitled to say no.

Her dp forgoing access to his own kids is completely irrelevant to you, that’s up to them and whilst common sense would say he either keeps them occupied or minds them whilst she’s resting, I wouldn’t say that to her, I’d just leave them get on with it.

[Suze1621]

She is being unreasonable. Surely any reasonable person would reschedule their relatively minor procedure in such circumstances.

[mbosnz]

I absolutely think that OP's DH is correctly prioritising supporting his wife having extensive and serious surgery, already suffering PTSD from a related issue in this instance.

The children's mother does have alternatives for childcare that are available to her, and her reasons for not wishing to utilise them seem somewhat suspect.

Given that she has made her stance 'your time, you sort out childcare' when the boot was on the other foot quite clear, she really does not have any right or reason to say that it is different when it comes to OP's DH.

[AmIThough]

@Troilusworks we don't know that she hasn't asked everyone else first. We don't know that her ExH is the last resort.

We don't know that her op isn't more important than OP believes it to be (she might not even be having the op she's told OP she's having).

Both ladies are unfortunately having to have surgery.
Why can't OP's DP ask HIS parents to have the kids?

[Oakandlove]

It sounds crazy, everyone trying to get rid of their kids for rest time. How bad are these kids.

[NearlyGranny]

YANBU. I wonder whether your DP has any sort of relationship with the grandparents, aunts and uncles of his DC with his ex? Could he go over ex's head and appeal on behalf of the children, as in, he doesn't want to fail to pick them up but it could happen because of the uncertainty around when you are discharged; they will not have the usual attention because he will be nursing you, they will have a quiet time of it because nobody will be going anywhere and you will be resting? He can explain that ex is just not understanding the situation.

Perhaps she's a CF from a long line of CF s and all of them are like it, but it only wants one decent human being to step up for their family!

It might be worth a try!

I think her 'dump and run' tactic is abominable and the DC are old enough to feel abandoned and used at the same time.

Can I ask why, if care is 50:50, ex is claiming all the benefit and tax credits? Once this issue is sorted, it might be a good time to review this and share things fairly! In fact, if she gets wind of this possibility she might become more reasonable quite quickly; your DP will know best whether this might be a solution or just exacerbate the situation!

I hope the op goes well.

[Windydaysuponus]

I would be putting a counter claim in the cb and tc.
I hope he doesn't pay her Cms....
She is a cf indeed.

[aSofaNearYou]

You are very obviously not being unreasonable - it is in her contact time so her responsibility to sort childcare, she can ASK him but he can say no and she cannot demand it.

It's even more problematic that people are saying this is fine for her to do because there is clearly an ongoing issue with her thinking it's ok to demand childcare at the last minute, show up with the kids leaving you with no choice but to cancel whatever you were doing. There could be absolutely any reason why you are not able or fit to look after the children at an arranged time and to send them over without asking is massively irresponsible of her, not to mention cheeky.

[LannisterLion1]

Dcs needs come first. In this case they need to be with a parent and have mum and her partner at hand. Mums op is minor, her 'wants' dont come into it.

[Troilusworks]

AmIThough but you're just making up scenarios. Anyway it's her contact time so she has to deal with it, not the OP's DH.

But crack on with your idea that it's all the OPs problem and her DH as you're so wedded to it.

[Digitalash]

YANBU and I honestly can't believe the responses on here. Think this thread must be full of scorned women with shit ex's which your husband from what you have said is obviously not. She sounds like a drama llama who just loves causing a fuss. Is there no grandparents or anything that can have the children for the weekend? Hope your op goes well.

[AmIThough]

@Troilusworks I don't think the OP is solely to blame. I think all the adults in the situation are to blame.


And for those posters saying we're blaming OP because she's the step mom, not true.
I grew up with my step mom and she's the most fantastic lady. My own mother was always incredibly selfish.
My step mom had a collapsed lung when I was 6/7 and was in hospital for a week. We never got sent to my moms. When I was 13 she had a mastectomy (and about 18 months of chemo) and we never got sent away.

She looked after us as much as she could and we looked after her as much as we could.

I think at 7 & 11 the children are old enough to stay out of the way/help out whichever parent they're with. And I think it's sad that everyone's just trying to push them onto the other.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

AmIThough this situation has come about entirely because their mum is "trying to push them onto the other" during her own contact time. So how are all the adults to blame for this?

[AmIThough]

@MyCatHatesEverybody because OP and her DH don't want the kids either.

Just because each parent has contact time it doesn't mean the other parent has no responsibility as a parent during that time.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

But you've already said " at 7 & 11 the children are old enough to stay out of the way/help out whichever parent they're with."

You might have a valid point if this was a usual weekend for OP and her DH. But OP needs DH this particular weekend and has indeed arranged alternative childcare for her own DC. It's nothing about not wanting her DSCs around - it's about her needing her husband there for her in the immediate aftermath of her operation. If you can't differentiate between that genuine need and them "not wanting the kids" then you're in the minority.

[ChardonnaysDistantCousin]

She is being unreasonable. Surely any reasonable person would reschedule their relatively minor procedure in such circumstances.

You are aware of the waiting time’s for minor procedures?

[AmIThough]

@MyCatHatesEverybody just to clarify, I think their mom is a dick, especially if her op is as minor as people are saying it is.

[blackcat86]

Ideally the two of them would have a more common sense approach but as ex wants to play top trumps I certainly wouldn't be accommodating additional days in future. She will need to make alternative and appropriate childcare arrangements. Is there someone else who can take care of you? Could you to and stay with family?

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

Just to say I do agree that in principle it would be nice to help out when possible. We offered (we weren't asked) to have my DSCs an extra couple of days when their mum's partner who she didn't even live with had an operation, just so she could be there with them. We had almost 50/50 access so it wasn't about us wanting more. My DSCs didn't feel palmed off at all by their mother, they totally understood that sometimes adults have needs too.

In this case the mum is that worried about the aftermath of her minor surgery she needs to ask her own DP or family to step in as OP's DH already has another commitment.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

Why should OP not be in the comfort of her own home and bed for her initial recovery just so her DSC's mum who's been totally inflexible before now can have her house to herself during her contact time?

[SpiderCharlotte]

It’s his responsibility on his days

Lost me at this.