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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to slut-shame myself for something I did more than a decade ago?

34 replies

BWaldorf · 14/10/2019 14:20

11 years ago, I engaged in a risque sexual behaviour with a guy I met on the internet.

The first date, we made out and the guy suddenly grabbed my hand and masturbated himself with my hand. I froze and I didn't know what to do.

It escalated to several more meetups which never ended in PV sex because he was insisting that we do it without a condom and I was not that stupid to agree. But oral, yes.

I have never forgotten it, became obsessed with him despite leaving the country and not seeing him again. I have deluded myself that we were friends. I think towards the last few years, we were sort of friends. But he has always had this hold on me.

We were still talking occasionally until a few months ago when I blocked him because I found out he's getting married and I cannot handle it.

I have been slut-shaming myself thinking if I did not behave like that, things would probably be different.

I know I sound like a lunatic right now, but this is killing me.

I don't know what I need right now. Maybe a hug, or a slap in the face. It's been 11 years and I'm still this much affected.

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/10/2019 14:23

You don't need a slap, you definitely need a hug. Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 14/10/2019 14:27

He was a nasty slimeball and you were manipulated by him. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He is a predator.

Forgive yourself. And well-done for blocking him!

NamechangeWhatFor · 14/10/2019 14:27

I hope you have had an STI check since then, he sounds dodgy.

And no, don't be ridiculous to yourself. If you'd refused even a peck on the cheek, or snagged him, it would have made no difference to whether you became a couple or not because it sounds like he didn't want that.
Don't torment yourself but consider yourself lucky, because any man who insists on sex without a condom so early on is up to something, and any man who insists at all has no respect for you.

NamechangeWhatFor · 14/10/2019 14:28

*shagged

BananaBooBoo · 14/10/2019 14:32

Honestly he sounds like the problem not you. Forgive yourself, block him and move on .

Original poster
BWaldorf · 14/10/2019 14:49

I hope you have had an STI check since then, he sounds dodgy.

Yes, I've had. All clear, thankfully.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 14/10/2019 15:04

Look. A lot of people have done things in their lives (sexually) which they look back on and can't make too much sense of....perhaps it was out of character, perhaps they allowed themselves to be demeaned a little (then regretted afterwards). This was clearly an unhealthy relationship and the main thing is that you can clearly see that and don't want any further contact. To me it sounds like you have a compulsive side to your personality whereby you do things without thinking or because it feels good at the time, but then afterwards you are left feeling shit about yourself. Buy a book online about compulsiveness and try and understand a little more about why you might be wired this way. It doesn't mean your doomed in any way, it just means you probably ought to steer well clear of people like this guy that have the power to hurt your self esteem.

Tinkobell · 14/10/2019 15:09

He sounds very self-serving sexually. I'd feel a bit sorry for anyone who signed up for a lifetime of that ...yuk. You've had a lucky escape surely.

DarlingBuds19 · 14/10/2019 15:16

Holy cow uih have a low bar for "sluttiness" - I was expecting you to have had like 20 one now that stands on the trot, or done two guys at the same time or something.

What's the problem with the above, other than the hat he sounds a bit coercive/manipulative etc.?
Unfortunately many of us have had interactions with men like him. I really wouldn't worry about it - but he doesn't sound particularly decent/nice and he's not single now so .. good riddance.

DarlingBuds19 · 14/10/2019 15:16

*one night stands

Original poster
BWaldorf · 14/10/2019 15:19

I know it sounds irrational but sometimes I catch myself thinking if I didn't make out with him etc, he would have taken me seriously and I'd have been his girlfriend.

OP posts:
Coralfish · 14/10/2019 15:22

I know it sounds irrational but sometimes I catch myself thinking if I didn't make out with him etc, he would have taken me seriously and I'd have been his girlfriend.

Think about it this way: a guy who didn't want a woman to be his girlfriend because she made out with him, would not be a guy you would want as a boyfriend...

KUGA · 14/10/2019 15:23

We all make mistakes sweetie.
Stop beating yourself up.
He was and still is a manipulative scumbag who pretty much groomed you.
Go to bed tonight and start telling yourself to switch off.
If you don`t, seriously he will be doing it to you all over again.
Picture him in your head and say out loud
YOUR DEAD TO ME SO FUCK STRAIGHT OFF.

SamBeckettslastleap · 14/10/2019 15:26

Please don't use the term slut shamed or have a 'bar for sluttiness' I mean wtf.
If you feel he was abusing you then you should not be ashamed and not use that vile insult to women.
If you enjoyed having this sexual relationship then you equally should not be ashamed.
If you willing had '20 one night stands on the trot' that does not make you a slut. Women have the same right as men to enjoy sex and we shouldn't be using a horrid outdated misogynistic term.

Flowers if you are feeling messed up by what happened but don't be ashamed

Paddington68 · 14/10/2019 15:27

The past is another country.
You do not live there any more.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 14/10/2019 15:27

Honestly a consenting adult should never be shamed for sex, you can suck whatever cock you like, shag who you like. There really is no shame in anything sexual.

Your bar is low for a slut, the stories about being a rep in Ibiza I could tell you would make you blush. You sucked a man off 🤷🏻‍♀️

RogueV · 14/10/2019 15:33

What’s so bad about what you did?!

You’ve done nothing wrong!

Househunt1 · 14/10/2019 15:36

Have you been brought if with a strict religion or be made to feel that sex is bad? So what we've all done stuff that we are not proud of! Would he have stayed with you had you not done stuff with him then yes maybe but who knows it was so long ago and we don't all marry the person we do stuff with! But why have anxiety over something that happened so long ago, stop beating yourself up! Let it go, it seems you have an anxiety and compulsive thinking over it which you may need to address. Put the thought in a box and chuck it out

GoodGriefSunshine · 14/10/2019 15:38

Why would you want to have been his girlfriend?

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 14/10/2019 15:40

And don’t keep torturing yourself with “if I hadn’t done that on the first date I would be his wife now” Honestly not true, it wouldn’t matter if it was meant to be.

My husband was a one night stand that turned into a long term relationship (and yes I did ask him what his name was in the morning!)

Branster · 14/10/2019 15:51

No OP, you certainly wouldn’t want to have been the girlfriend of a man like this. He is the way he is even if you took it slower. I bet you are not the only one he’s used in this way. You are lucky to be out of it. Well done for blocking him. Just forget about him, he’s very sleazy. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and he’s got a hold on you probably because you were intimate with him and assume he puts value on intimacy. Clearly he doesn’t.

FavouriteSong · 14/10/2019 15:52

Stop being so hard on yourself, don't beat yourself up for something like this. Forget the past, forgive yourself, create a fulfilling future for yourself.

formerbabe · 14/10/2019 15:56

I'm confused. It doesn't sound anything to be ashamed about or particularly shocking. I'm sure numerous posters on here have got up to way more than that without looking back and giving it a second thought.

Is it because you felt pressurised by him? ..he sounds a bit predatory from what you've said. Is that the part that's bothering you?

supersop60 · 14/10/2019 15:57

His poor wife - marrying a sleazeball.
OP - you had a lucky escape.
No judgement here.

Crinkle77 · 14/10/2019 16:09

You didn't do anything wrong. He was a sleaze ball and you wouldn't want him as a partner.