to slut-shame myself for something I did more than a decade ago?

[BWaldorf]

11 years ago, I engaged in a risque sexual behaviour with a guy I met on the internet.

The first date, we made out and the guy suddenly grabbed my hand and masturbated himself with my hand. I froze and I didn't know what to do.

It escalated to several more meetups which never ended in PV sex because he was insisting that we do it without a condom and I was not that stupid to agree. But oral, yes.

I have never forgotten it, became obsessed with him despite leaving the country and not seeing him again. I have deluded myself that we were friends. I think towards the last few years, we were sort of friends. But he has always had this hold on me.

We were still talking occasionally until a few months ago when I blocked him because I found out he's getting married and I cannot handle it.

I have been slut-shaming myself thinking if I did not behave like that, things would probably be different.

I know I sound like a lunatic right now, but this is killing me.

I don't know what I need right now. Maybe a hug, or a slap in the face. It's been 11 years and I'm still this much affected.

Why would you value yourself so low that you would even entertain being married to such a horrible man.

He wasn't at all respectful of you and it sounds like it traumatised you, which is maybe why you feel bonded towards him but can't quite understand why.

He was definitely never your friend. Friends don't make people feel bad.

Sending you a big hug and be kind to yourself. And I agree, please don't use the word slut. It's only women that are called that and so it's misogynistic double standards.

All of the behaviour, on your side, is very normal and nothing to be ashamed of at all.

It wasn't your fault that he lied about being married. You didn't do anything wrong by having sex with him and nothing that you did drove him away.

His behaviour towards yourself and his wife is abhorrent. He lied to both of you. It sounds like he was a very insecure and sad person, who couldn't control his sexual desires and have honest relationships.

Was there really any chance that you were going to be his girlfriend? Would you really want to? His wife would have thought that he was committed to her and he wasn't so why would he commit to you? It sounds as if he wasn't going to commit to anyone ever.

Move on, you can do better, everyone can and forgive yourself for being tricked by a very sad person.

Also, I once woke up with a transexual in Berlin, that's the kind of sex you should be ashamed of.

But he has always had this hold on me

You've been carrying a torch for him all these years and been fantasising about the relationship you might have had.

It wasn't to be, and you need to let go now.

Hang on... From what you posted it seems like he was pressuring you into certain things you weren't ready for/actively and enthusiastically consenting to. It sounds like he forced you to do things to him. So I don't know where you get the "you being slutty" idea from. Tbh it sounds like he was potentially / actually abusive and it's a good thing your relationship didn't go any further

I'm glad everything was OK on the STI front, BWaldorf.

I am really sympathetic to you because,when young (a long time ago :-) ), I got into all sorts of situations and occasionally look back with horror, wishing I hadn't. If I had my time over again, I wouldn't - I'd know how to extricate myself and have boundaries. However, that's hindsight and we never can go back in time so it's futile even thinking about it.

You haven't done anything really dreadful and, as others have said, need to forgive yourself. Try to see yourself as you would see another person who felt awful about things and confided in you; that often helps. We're all harder on ourselves than on others.

Lots of love to you .

@BWaldorf

You poor thing. He sounds fucking vile.

Please don't blame yourself or think you 'asked for it.'

You did not. And you are most certainly not a slut! Please don't call yourself that!

I have been slut-shaming myself thinking if I did not behave like that, things would probably be different.

How exactly, OP? You think if you had resisted his (pretty gross) hand-on-the-cock trick, he would have said “Aha! That was a test, and you’ve passed! I’m actually a really nice, respectful guy who doesn’t treat women I’ve just met like wank receptacles, and someday I’m going to make you a fantastic husband.”

No, OP. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you had a lucky escape.

It wasn't your fault that he lied about being married*

He wasn't married then.

He's getting married soon. And I hate that I am so heart broken because of it.

Oh I see, sorry I had misunderstood. The point still stands though, as many people have said, he is possibly guilty of sexual assault, dishonest and sounds like an all-round loser, so I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about him.

I feel for you and I feel for his soon to be wife.