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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU About BF Behaviour?

26 replies

ILoveFlumps · 14/10/2019 12:48

Will try not to drip-feed & NC in case I’m outed.

It was a ‘large’ birthday for me at the weekend, I had hired a venue with a DJ, and invited a lot of people & their families. My family were there including children (teens and DS 5).

My ‘best’ friend also came with her 2 DD’s (12 & 15). BF is recently divorced, and going through a tough time (may be relevant?)
Anyhow. I had arranged for my EXH to collect DS 5 from the party at 10pm (knowing he would be shattered at this point). We have a great co-parenting relationship. He arrived. As he was walking over to me, BF (who had consumed way too much alcohol) threw herself at him and kissed him. EXH almost fell over and managed to free himself from her grip and pick up DS. As he was walking out, BF then stopped him again to put sweets down his trousers and in his pockets (she had stolen all of the sweets from kids table I had set out). EXH had DS in his arms and repeatedly kept telling her to stop. Eventually she did and he left.

Later on in the evening BF was incredibly rude to my cousin, and he told her that what she did was out of order. She then proceeded to slap him and deny doing anything to EXH. At which point she called her children out of the party and stormed out. I tried asking her to stay, but she left anyway. Her eldest child re-appeared 5 mins later, and said she was sorry, her mum is very drunk and unreasonable and she doesn’t know what to do. I told her to take her home and she will be ok in the morning. Her daughter then said that BF said she is not going to message me tomorrow, and if I want to talk to her and apologise I can message her.

BF does have a problem with alcohol. She likes to binge drink, to the point where she has no recollection of events. That evening she was incredibly drunk, loud, rude and aggressive. She was throwing herself at everyone and generally made a lot of people feel uncomfortable.

How on earth do I handle this? Should I contact her? If so, what do I say? I’ve never been in a situation like this…..

OP posts:
BlastEndedSkrewt · 14/10/2019 12:54

I would tell her she isn't invited to things anymore if she is drinking & remind her of what she did & what her child said to you

gwackywacky · 14/10/2019 12:54

Dump her. Shes not your friend

Oldraver · 14/10/2019 12:55

she was incredibly drunk, loud, rude and aggressive. She was throwing herself at everyone and generally made a lot of people feel uncomfortable.

When she contacts you tell her this. That her behaviour was innapropraite and if anyone needs to apologise it's her

Ronia · 14/10/2019 12:56

I would cut her off entirely but for her kids, who shouldn't be out in a position of apologising to adults for her poor behaviour. Sounds like they're all too used to it.
She obviously has a problem with alcohol. Is this something you can talk to her about some time when she's calm and sober?

cuppycakey · 14/10/2019 12:57

Why did you want her to stay when she was behaving like this?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 14/10/2019 12:58

Her poor daughter having to apologise for her Sad

If you value the friendship you could make future invites conditional on not drinking, but it might actually be time just to walk away completely

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/10/2019 12:59

My DM is a recovering alcoholic, she'd sometimes behave similar to your BF.

It was horrible and embarrassing to see that as a child. I'd always remind her what she did and how it made me and others feel. I'd then leave her to stew on it. I don't know whether it did any good or not but I didn't feel like she should just get away with it, she needed to know how she made others feel.

joyfullittlehippo · 14/10/2019 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/10/2019 13:01

Also, making future invites conditional on not having a drink won't work with someone who has an alcohol problem. They're promise the world but will still drink and act the same way.

billy1966 · 14/10/2019 13:01

Clearly she has form and you still invited her.

You shouldn't be surprised then that she behaves so badly.

I think it's poor form of you to invite her, knowing she has no idea how to conduct herself in company and has upset your other guests.

Perhaps you should be thinking a bit more of them.

I wouldn't be contacting her.

Original poster
ILoveFlumps · 14/10/2019 13:02

It's so difficult. She's been my BF for over 8 years. I rarely drink (this was the first time this year for me), and when we socialise it's never a drinking event, more of a meal/come over with the children kind of thing. So the likelihood of me having to endure this from her again is minimal (until the next big party I suppose!)
I do feel for her in a silly kind of way. She's going through a lot, and I've helped her with everything. I even bought her daughter an outfit for the party because BF couldn't afford to.
I'd love to talk to her about what happened, but I fear she's going to be in complete denial and be very defensive. How do you get around that?

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveFlumps · 14/10/2019 13:04

billy1966 I never go out drinking with her, I only ever hear her stories the next day. I couldn't not invite my BF to my party, I perhaps had too high expectations in her though. I genuinely thought that as it was a family event, people would take this into account when consuming alcohol and adjust their behaviour accordingly.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 14/10/2019 13:05

She likes to binge drink, to the point where she has no recollection of events

How does she normally respond when people fill her in on what she doesn't recollect?

Personally, I'd talk to her and see how she reacts.

I have a friend who does similarly and unfortunately she refuses to believe any of her bad drunken behaviour. Or at least doesn't believe it was that bad. Or believes other people must have been doing it too/started it. It's why I no longer socialise with her where drink is involved - and I have been clear with her about this. Though of course she thinks I'm over-reacting because she doesn't believe her drunken behaviour is that bad.

Original poster
ILoveFlumps · 14/10/2019 13:07

cuppycakey To be honest, I felt awful that night. I had a banging headache and the start of (what I now know to be) a very horrible cold. As it was my party, I spent time talking with every guest that came (some came from 400 miles away), so wasn't witness to everything.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2019 13:09

You tell her straight and then leave her alone.

‘BF - your behaviour last night was entirely unacceptable: you groped my EXH, you slapped a relative and you were so drunk you embarrassed yourself. I’m here for you but I’m not at home to this shit anymore. If you want to talk and get through it then great. If you still want to deny the issues then I can’t help you and this is the end of the road for us’

I have had this conversation with a friend recently. She’s in denial and our friendship is over and frankly I’m relieved.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2019 13:10

I have no tolerance for vile, stumbling drunks. Not a shred of tolerance. I wouldn't be contacting her, ever.

Hadalifeonce · 14/10/2019 13:16

I had a friend do something similar at a 'big' birthday of mine. I left it a couple of days and told her I was worried about her and her drinking; I mentioned some of the things that had happened, and told her I was worried that if it had happened somewhere else where she wasn't known so well, the consequences could have been devastating for her.
I felt I had to word is as concern rather that the anger that I was really feeling to maintain the friendship.

Celebelly · 14/10/2019 13:20

Ugh. Getting that drunk in front of her poor kids Sad

Original poster
ILoveFlumps · 14/10/2019 13:20

Hadalifeonce I think that's a good idea, and perhaps what I need to do. I don't want to lose our friendship. She has been a great friend, and she does need support right now. I may wait a couple of days and see if she contacts me (doubtful) and then maybe send her a similar message.

OP posts:
DrJackDaniels · 14/10/2019 13:22

People end up getting away with kind of behaviour because a lot of the time, people daren't pull them up on it, or will feel awkward mentioning it to them.

You need to calmly tell her that she embarrassed herself and you, on your birthday by throwing herself at your ex, kissing him and behaving inappropriately around him, slapping another guest and getting so drunk her daughter had to apologise on her behalf.

If she can't see that she is the one that needs to apologise (and if she's a good friend to you she will see this) then she's not worth having and I would seriously withdraw from the friendship. If I had done that at anyone's party, let alone a best friend, I would be round there with flowers, chocolates and a grovelling apology the next day.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 14/10/2019 13:23

Her poor children

Original poster
ILoveFlumps · 14/10/2019 13:23

Celebelly I think her children are used to it. Only one of them lives with her, as the other chose to live with their dad when they separated. The drinking was one of the reasons for this. She doesn't drink every night, but when she does drink, it's to excess. They're not usually there when it happens, but see the aftermath of the hangovers the next day.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/10/2019 13:27

May be if she didn't drink so much she could have bought her DD an outfit herself...

HollowTalk · 14/10/2019 13:32

May be if she didn't drink so much she could have bought her DD an outfit herself

Just what I was going to say!

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 14/10/2019 13:34

her mum is very drunk and unreasonable and she doesn’t know what to do. I told her to take her home and she will be ok in the morning

As someone who was often left to deal with a drunk parent, I could never leave a 15 year old in charge of getting there mum home.
Ywnbu to cut contact with the friend though.

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