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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice for male in relationship please.

37 replies

Razorlightsrazor · 14/10/2019 12:32

We are happy. I am 32 in a relationship with a younger woman for 18 months or thereabouts. My issue is that she lives on the breadline and just pays her rent, bills and car expenditure and has little spare money left over.She would like us to move in together but I am not ready for that step as I need plenty of space and she would like more contact. She does not have the means either as I have a mortgage currently serviced by my tenants and I . I enjoy my life with her , my family and friendship groups. I am generous but where does it stop? She has low paid work and does not seem ambitious enough to improve her lot. I feel
Guilty, yet I feel correct in my assumption that life would be hard for us to move in together as I do not have the means to support us both. I still like to travel and partake in hobbies and eventing.
She has few friends and has little contact with her family which I find difficult as she can be quite demanding and complains of loneliness and wants more of my time.thank you.

OP posts:

gwackywacky · 14/10/2019 12:34

How often do you see each other? In what way are you generous? You say her work is low paid, so is yours high paid then or is this just about the mortgage?

Also........what's eventing?

Andysbestadventure · 14/10/2019 12:35

She wont progress unless she wants to. If she doesn't want to then things wont change.

Walk away.

If you genuinely loved her it wouldn't even be an issue. But it is. So she is not the right fit for you.

CAG12 · 14/10/2019 12:37

Have you spoken to her about these issues?

It seems like they're pretty big things that need to be addressed if the relationship is to move forward

IncrediblySadToo · 14/10/2019 12:37

Read your own post. The answer is there. This isn’t what you want. Find someone better suited (and she can find another mug)

Original poster

Razorlightsrazor · 14/10/2019 12:38

Triathlon. we meet a couple of times per week and at weekends when we can. I am not always free but she has more free time than I . I am not a very high earner but comfortable .I am involved in hobbies at weekends too. I pay for meals out, cinema, do the driving when we drive , I am generous with birthday and Christmas presents .

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2019 12:39

What kind of advice are you looking for? You don't want to move in with her, I agree you shouldn't because from reading your post you would certainly resent her if you did. My advice would be either just tell her you don't want to move into together and let her decide if she wants to carry on with the relationship that way or just move on. You two don't seem very compatible

Slappadabass · 14/10/2019 12:42

Doesn't sound like you want a relationship to me, just a bit of fun. If she wants more then you aren't compatible, so end it and let her find someone who is willing to give her the proper commited relationship she wants.

Original poster

Razorlightsrazor · 14/10/2019 12:43

I love her but in practical terms I’m not sure if it can work.Would life with kids be tough? I can possibly get extra work but I also enjoy the small luxuries in my life which I know I would have to forfeit.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2019 12:44

It does all sound very one-sided. She shouldn't be expecting you to pay for all meals out/cinema etc; does she not offer to pay half?

I would be extremely wary about moving in with her as it sounds like she has a lot more to gain than you.

You don't have to move in with each other... she also sounds quite needy whereas you are more independent and have your triathlon stuff. I don't think you're both on the same page going forwards at all. Sorry.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2019 12:44

I wouldn't be happy having to pay for everything either, everytime we went out. How young is she?

NearlyGranny · 14/10/2019 12:48

You're either not ready for a committed relationship or she's not the one for you. If she were, you would be going all out to make it work by now and dreaming of your future together.

Either way you both need to let go and move on. If who she really wants is a committed partner, you're wasting her time.

Swinningforza · 14/10/2019 12:48

I think you are being very sensible and posters are being too harsh - of course you should be thinking in terms of future finances and compatibility.

Deal breakers for me personally as I am comfortable earner and do not mind being generous, is does a potential partner show motivation to improve their lot or will they be looking at me to improve it for them? And I would never ever progress in a relationship ie become financially linked with someone who shows no motivation to be independently advancing themselves.

Swinningforza · 14/10/2019 12:50

Dreaming of a future etc what utter tosh - the kind of tripe divorces are made of. If she shows no motivation to get a better job or to develop her own social life, hobbies and friendships I would say that's enough red flags for me and I would seriously consider ending the relationship.

Pumperthepumper · 14/10/2019 12:52

How much younger is she?

gwackywacky · 14/10/2019 12:52

YABU for being a BTL landlord complaining that your girlfriend cant afford a mortgage

AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2019 12:53

I think you are being very sensible and posters are being too harsh.

Who was harsh?

YobaOljazUwaque · 14/10/2019 12:56

I think you are right to be cautious. You don't seem to have the same outlook on life generally and a partnership would be tricky to forge. If you do stay together, it would be unreasonable to expect her to click into your way of doing things - you would need to meet each other half way and it sounds to me like you wouldn't be willing to do that. If she is happy with her low-affluence lifestyle and isn't ambitious to upgrade by her own efforts then she should probably be seeking a partner with a similar level of aspiration.

Therefore, if you will forgive the crudeness, it is vitally important that you are 100% certain that there is no chance whatsoever of any of your sperm getting anywhere near any of her eggs while this relationship runs its course. No method of contraception is 100% effective so you need to be double or tripling up with multiple methods. If you don't, then you are risking being financially shackled together for many many years after the relationship itself dies away.

savingshoes · 14/10/2019 12:56

You make it sound like your planning a business deal.
This is not the sort of "wow I can't wait to start my life with this woman" I would want.

Adversecamber22 · 14/10/2019 13:05

Love is sadly not always enough once a relationship gets to the living together stage. My friends are both married to low earners, they are women. One has become deeply resentful and is on the road to divorce, the other subs her low paid DH and has a standard of living that’s quite crap considering how much she earns, he is also wasteful and a total cocklodger. These are older women and no chance of dc.

Once a relationship is established anyone can have peaks and troughs in income such as redundancy or ill health, that’s when real love and support come through. But similar levels of ambition suit a couple really. Money is one of the biggest causes of strife and break ups.

I only considered people who earned a similar amount to me and had clear ambition. I was brought up in poverty, not enough to eat sometimes so have strong feelings.

Chunkers · 14/10/2019 13:05

Coincidentally, the GF side of this scenario was posted here only 2 months ago. I think the advice to her was that you weren’t compatible/in the same place and best to move on.

raspberryk · 14/10/2019 13:20

Hmmm looks like the EXACT reverse of a recent ish thread...

AnneKipanki · 14/10/2019 13:22

I agree @raspberryk

AnneKipanki · 14/10/2019 13:25

Split up .
I don't think 'we are happy' .

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 14/10/2019 13:29

I was thinking reverse as well. There were a few threads from the same poster asking the same question.

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2019 13:40

You aren’t compatible.

Some people in your position would be happy to sub the other person.

Some wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.

The issue for me more than lack of money is lack of ambition.

My DH and I are not high-flyers but have always earned similar amounts and progressed similarly. We would BOTH find it tricky in your circumstances.

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