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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice for male in relationship please.

37 replies

Razorlightsrazor · 14/10/2019 12:32

We are happy. I am 32 in a relationship with a younger woman for 18 months or thereabouts. My issue is that she lives on the breadline and just pays her rent, bills and car expenditure and has little spare money left over.She would like us to move in together but I am not ready for that step as I need plenty of space and she would like more contact. She does not have the means either as I have a mortgage currently serviced by my tenants and I . I enjoy my life with her , my family and friendship groups. I am generous but where does it stop? She has low paid work and does not seem ambitious enough to improve her lot. I feel
Guilty, yet I feel correct in my assumption that life would be hard for us to move in together as I do not have the means to support us both. I still like to travel and partake in hobbies and eventing.
She has few friends and has little contact with her family which I find difficult as she can be quite demanding and complains of loneliness and wants more of my time.thank you.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2019 14:03

I have a feeling she's looking for a meal ticket, and that would be you. I would end it immediately, and whatever you do, don't get her pregnant,

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/10/2019 14:16

You say you don't want to live with her regardless of the finances issue OP- because you want your space and life on the side-so don't, that solves that. Be honest with her though, it's unfair to insinuate you are in a serious and committed relationship if you effectively are only dating her pretty casually with no intentions or desire to currently move that forward at all. She needs to have the option to decide whether that is something she wants the same as you have the right to, and are doing. It doesn't sound like you are in love with her or that you view her as an equal and i'd not want my DP speaking about me the way you are her, as though she is a sum of her finances and earning potential and a burden. Why not just be single rather than treat her like a bit on the side that you will enjoy the perks of but won't ever actually have a full relationship with her. She presumably had this job when you met and it was good enough then?

Is there more to the story re: her earnings- illness or disability or anxiety say (you say she doesn'tsee many friends),or does she lack qualifications to progress or the means the pay for them- or does she just outright not want to.

At the end of the day you are correct to be cautious with your own finances but a bit more caution over her feelings and your behaviour might not go amiss.

Densol999 · 14/10/2019 14:17

My fella had two children with a woman exactly like this, who expects a meal ticket for her as well as the children forever

KUGA · 14/10/2019 14:26

You sound like a snobbish spoilt brat to me.

FeckOffGraham · 14/10/2019 14:29

Life with kids is tough and expensive. It seems like you're really asking whether you should move in with anyone and settle down, have dcs etc?

My advice would be no, don't do it! If you like your luxuries and hobbies etc and want to maintain those without interruption, do not move in with a partner and have dcs. No, no, no.

Definitive enough ?

Grumpymcgrumperson · 14/10/2019 15:12

Am I the only one who calls reverse? There is a female OP who regularly posts about her relationship which sounds exactly like this relationship. She’s posted several times now and mostly got the same responses.

AnneKipanki · 14/10/2019 15:20

No , you are not @Grumpymcgrumperson

ColaFreezePop · 14/10/2019 15:29

Whether this is a reverse or not you aren't compatible.

Partnerships amongst myself and my siblings aren't equal in terms of earnings but they are equal in terms of outlook. You don't sound like you have an equal outlook on life regardless of your age difference.

This means if you get stay together long term and have children then you are going to have problems as she isn't independent enough for you.

AmIThough · 14/10/2019 15:43

Moving in with someone you love should enhance your life.
She needs more than you can give emotionally. You need more than she can give financially (and rightly so - she needs to pay her way).
I don't think you're compatible.

And posters calling you selfish etc are being ridiculous. If you were a woman and a man was expecting you to forfeit things to support them, they'd call him a cocklodger.

Thatagain · 15/10/2019 16:35

You are being selfish. You say you have a mortgage, hobbies, friends,space ect do you value your gf and her needs. It sounds to me you have not got the time for someone who brings in less financial resources. Hope she sees sense and leaves you. Money is not always the big deal to women. Lot's of women like stability and security the best. Have you got children? Lot's of posts are supporting you like she will be a financial drain ect. I have my own home a big house. I would not be put of lf a man earns less then me or has no friends that would be sad. I would be put of if he was an idiot and selfish.

SpamChaudFroid · 25/10/2019 14:24

Why don't you move into her place and keep your place on as fully rented out? See, it's doable, but as you said, you value your own space.

Barbie222 · 25/10/2019 14:57

You don't sound like you're really enjoying things. Be honest, is she just the "good enough for now" partner? I think if the right person came along, you'd want to be more of a couple and not a single man with a partner when he feels the need.

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